Coming Soon to an Army Near You: Film Geeks!

Heh, heh, heh.

It seems The US Army has given up on the underprivileged turning out en masse to fight wars that maybe oughtn't be fought. Now they're turning to a whole new source:

They're advertising on the front page of Rotten Tomatoes. You know, that "please visit our sponsor, clicking on the above ad won't interrupt the loading of Rotten Tomatoes" ad. Ahh, Rotten Tomatoes, the bastion of all mainstream movie lovers... has sold out and run an Army ad.

Go Army! Go strong! Army strong! Built Ford tough!

In between nightly bouts of "don't ask, don't tell" in the barracks, you can have your fabulous Kubrick marathon! The memorable lines from Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket will seem like private jokes and you'll all get to chortle mirthfully as you relate so wholeheartedly to that fantastic Ode de Service. Lines such as, "These are great days we're living, bros. We are jolly green giants, walking the Earth with guns. These people we wasted here today are the finest human beings we will ever know. After we rotate back to the world, we're gonna miss not having anyone around that's worth shooting."

Why, if you're lucky, Uncle Sam might even be in cahoots with Orville Redenbacher and be able to fill those pesky carb cravings with buttery goodness. After all, it's not about getting the bad guy, it's about getting enough money for a college education... that you might not be alive for anyhow. Or maybe you'll be down a limb or two.

But just think! You'll at least get to travel the world! Well, the Middle East, anyhow. Okay, Iraq and Afghanistan, and maybe a pit stop at that big base in Germany, and, well, maybe Iran, if the travel agents -- err, boys in Washington -- have their way.

And, hey! There's even film-making opportunities! There's a fabulous facility in a place called Abu Ghraib that offers nothing but photogenic moments just waiting to be captured by your brilliant eye!

Go Army! Go strong! Army strong! Like a rock!