It's a Weird World After All: Volume Two

Tired of your little girls trying to live up to a standard of excellence they'll never reach? Get rid of those Barbies! Get rid of those societal pressures we're putting on our kids! Let's get back to reality.

Yes, it's time for Trailer Trash Doll!

Now she can have fun being who she'll one day be: A bloated, tired old hag with ill-fitting clothes and plastic style. Perfect! Aww, cute!

* * *

In Toronto, Canada, they've got a new standard for profiling sex offenders. They're looking for Trekkies. Apparently, sex offenders are all about going where no man has gone before. Detective Constable Warren Bulmer reasons that like sex crimes, Star Trek is a fantasy where monsters and mutants have power.

That's pushing it a tad, isn't it? Don't (hardcore) Trekkies just need to get out a little more?

But if this is really true and any dudes get schwacked for being pervs and bastards, and they use the line "Resistance is futile" in commission of their crime, let's give 'em an extra 5 years on principal. Freaks.

* * *

A 28-year-old Swedish snake expert living in Australia was found dead after an attack by one of his constrictors. The 17-foot beast suffocated the expert -- wait, I guess "expert" is too strong a word, huh?

Fucking amateur. And this is what happens when you lie on your resume.

* * *

A couple chicks in Titusville, Pennsylvania got all hopped up on methampetamines and decided to have sex with their dog (and videotaped it).

I wonder how that transpired. "Yo, Tanya, I'm getting sick of paying this pooch's way. He never cleans, he never listens to me. All he does is eat, sleep, and chase his fucking tail."

"Hey, let's put him to work, then. Let him put the "massive" in Mastiff.""

The chicks were found guilty (on drugs and bestiality) with up to two years in the slammer and $5K in punitive fines.

You know, I think a vibrator would offer less complications. Ain't nothing like multispeeding, honey.

* * *

Some Cleveland drug entrepreneurs thought they were being smart by using a guard animal for their premises. Wait, no, not an animal. A reptile.

A four-foot alligator, in fact. Way to go, boys. That's how you operate inconspicuously. You chain an alligator up in your yard. You might as well send animal control an invitation to your wine and cheese party.

Fucking amateurs.

* * *

A dude in West Virginia has been going by the name of Jesus Christ for 15 years now. There's a hiccup, though. It seems the Son of Man can't get a driver's license.

I can see why. I mean, what are the odds he's gonna be cruising along an interstate and pull that water-into-wine morphing trick we've all heard about him doing? Imagine this. He's pulled over, swilling wine in one hand, and noshing on Pringles in the other.

"Oh, come on, officer. Eat my body, drink my blood, and we'll go see some girls down at the Pussy Parade. Just wait'll I show you my parting-the-Red-Sea trick, dude. Moses ain't got nothin' on me, man."

* * *

It's a world of laughter
And a world of freaks
It's a world of weirdness
And a world of creeps
There's so much that we share
That we oughtta be scared
'Cause it's a weird world after all