ADHD Chronicles: 07/12/05

All right, clearly, I have trouble stringing more than a couple of syllables together at one time, but I like to think I've still got a few brain cells firing. "Whitening toothpaste." Why do we suddenly have to choose whether we want white teeth? "Nah, Bob, I know I could go after the white teeth, but this week, it's cavities that have me concerned." Jesus, and they wonder why we think life is getting more complicated?

Been to hospitals in the States lately? They’ve got automated teller machines (ATMs) dispensing pharmaceuticals now. Oh, this is just fucking brilliant. Y’all done got a war on drugs, but now you’ve got machines dispensing the “legal” ones? Way to keep an eye on those addictions, FDA. Nice work, George! Why not just do a photo op with the pharmaceutical industry blowing you? While they're down there, they might as well.

I can’t wait for dope to become legal. I’m gonna start a chain of pot-dispensing vending machines called “Bud Banks.” I don’t know if the rest of the world has them, but we’ve got “Green Machines” up here. My Bud Banks would have the slogan, “The real Green Machines.”

Have you ever noticed how no one ever pays at fast food restaurants in commercials? Next time I hit up Mickey D’s, I’m ordering one of those free “Smiles”, a side of fries, saying “I’m lovin’ it,” giving the lowly worker a thumbs-up, and walking out without paying.

I knew a guy in high school who’d gone to a McDonald’s with some friends and there was this big Ronald McDonald statue-thingie sitting on this park bench as in-store “art.” And if you've clicked, you've noticed how Ron's sitting there with his leg crossed, kinda like nature’s cradle, right?

So, buddy leans in and nestles his face down into Ronny’s lap. There’s the clown, beaming like it’s the best b.j. he’s ever been dealt. Snap. Perfect shot. I so wish I had a copy of that photo the dude had on his fridge. Sigh.

The best thing about The Daily Show’s new format is how Jon Stewart can now do hand gestures in front of the onscreen inset card you see while he’s reading off the day’s stories, like last night’s feature on Judge Ticklegown. “Tickle, tickle...”

Vancouver is home to the infamous Harry Potter leak. A local shop put the books on sale a week in advance. The operation was shut down quickly and most of the customers have already returned the books. A court order has issued a gag on the purchasers of the advance copies, and they've been ordered to return the books to the publisher. However, taking the book back is netting these lucky bastards an autographed copy from JK Rowling and an "exclusive gift set".

Hell, I’d turn it back in. I’m dying for the new book and secretly am happy to be returning to work this week -- Harry Potter AND Willy Wonka. The child in me is so giddy it’s about to barf. I was a bookseller when Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (the REAL title, America... they thought y’all wouldn’t know what a Philosopher’s Stone was) was unleashed upon the world.

I read it the very first week it was in existence. I have a Harry Potter cap (pictured here) that is my lucky writing hat. You thought it was skill? Talent? Nay, just magic.

Richard Dawkins, a noted cosmologist (no, not make-up, the study of space, silly) was talking about the universe and says it is “queer.” Far too queer, it seems, for us to ever understand. GayBoy will be pleased.

I live in a strangely diverse neighbourhood. Something I’ve noticed, though, is that my local Safeway, in that bin they have at the back with items that are marked down for some reason, always has double-extra large condoms priced down. Is it because the local demand is higher? Or there is no local demand? My flings have not been with geographical conveniences, so I can't attest either way to the "local stock."

Roses are red
Violets are blue
When they’re this hot
I'd like to take two

GayBoy and I saw a football game Friday night and it was almost as much about the hotties and their asses as it was about the ass-whuppin’ we laid on Ottawa. This was one of the guys. GayBoy is supposed to post the photos of the asses.

The perfect life for me, if it were a math equation:

cabin on waterfront + boat (x sail)
__________________________________
friends (x nth) + self-employed - bullshit