Heartbroke a Stranger

days come, days go by
so it matters, so you say
but it's all coming back in a new way
and nothing will ever change

Some days, I can’t help but live in my past. These days, though, I’m being forced to.

Although I’m loving the experience of this course I’m taking, which delves into the pathology of artists and the mental roadblocks they face in pursuing their dreams, here I am, lost in this world that mingles my past with my dreams of the future, and I can’t tell you when I last felt so many emotions washing over me.

the words exchanged for revenge inside
you know these things take time
now and then, these words
make me laugh, so powerful

I have known a lot of people in my time, and I have been a lot of people in my time.

In six weeks, I’m 32. I know I’m supposed to lie and say I’m 20-something ‘cos I’m female and somehow my age should be an anathema, but I don’t subscribe to that bullshit.

I’m proud I’m alive after one hell of a decade that ended with two coulda-been-fatal accidents two years in a row. I’m proud I’ve been through all the things I have, and instead of being older than my years, I’m having the time of my life on a journey of self-discovery like none I’ve ever known.

I’m proud I’m still hip. I’m proud I look younger now than I did three years ago. I’m proud my health is getting better. I’m proud I’m as wise as I’ve become. And I’m proud I know as much as I do about heartache and loss and I’m still down with falling in love.

going through several lies
they've never been so true
i know that I'm used to time
you know what it is, don't you?
some words make us all cry
it's so talented

But all these remembrances of places I’ve been, people I’ve known, dreams I’ve had, loves I’ve lost, and lies I’ve told are stoking my psyche into overdrive these days, and I feel like I’m growing a troubled but good mile a day.

This song, Heartbreak a Stranger by Bob Mould, makes me want to weep. I’ve got in on repeat and though I’m typing furiously, my eyes are closed and I’m belting out the vocals, my neighbour’s sleep be damned.

if anybody could read my mind
and share with me these thoughts
of all the enemies left behind
and friends that time forgot

So much of this song calls to mind all the events that shaped me in my early 20s. Back then, I was a different person. I was more selfish, less aware, less smart, less witty, and far less grounded.

I had a lot of friends. A lot. I was busy constantly and never, ever stayed home. I didn’t really write, didn’t really try to push my envelope. I was in and out of love on a daily basis, enmeshed in a torrid on-again-off-again relationship with a poet that lasted the better part of seven years, punctuated with an assortment of artsy guys with great smiles and minds to match.

There aren’t a lot of people I miss in my past, but some break my heart every time I realize they’re not around. Somehow, if they were, it wouldn’t be the same. And this I know.

But what if it was? What if I had been more humble? If I had been more open to people’s imperfections? If I had seen my own more clearly? What if I saw past the surface hurt and saw into what was really transpiring within them? What if I understood others’ pain then like I do now? What if I could’ve been a bigger person? What if I could’ve had more faith? What if?

pretending nothing could ever faze you
well, some things never change
tell me why do these words ring home
how can you heartbreak a stranger?

I’ve loved and lost a lot of friends over the years. Not that I’ve been out there shattering friendships like pinatas, but I’ve been very judgmental. When my old friends fucked up, I usually judged them harshly. I tried not to, but I definitely failed. I suspect that I was right to do so at least 70% of the time. But a few of them... man. I wish.

days come, days go by
so it matters, so you say
but it's all coming back in a new way

And so here I am again, remembering things that can never be, that never will be, and wondering if, in the grand scheme of it all, that pain and frustration, those betrayals and forgettings were all so very worth it.

Sometimes, I’m sure they were.

and everyone knows a way
and everybody runs away
from somebody who cries

Sometimes, I wish they weren’t. And sometimes, I know they weren’t. Yet here I am.

and if anybody could read my mind
and share with me these thoughts
of all the enemies left behind
and friends that time forgot
how can you heartbreak a stranger?