Is This a Shift I'm Seeing?

Don't look now, but I think things are turning around for me. Small things, you know? And one or two big things. I think I'm at the end of my seemingly endless pile of crap that has defined my life for the last six months or a year. (I've had some good times in there, but it's largely been fraught with problems.) Finally, adversities seem to be bowing and getting the fuck out of my way.

I have swallowed my pride and admitted I don't have the things I want, the means to get them, or the smarts to execute them. I have asked for help from more people in the last month than I've probably asked in my life. Suddenly, help is coming my way from everywhere.

(I've had this belief for a long time that two things I'm in this life to learn are patience and pride. Having patience when I need it, demanding what I want when patience is exhausted, and pride: having it when I ought to, and getting over it when I need to. Pride's an important thing to have but it really fucks with us, too. I've been fucked over alot by pride in my time, and I'm sick of it.)

I have always despised asking for help, and learning to do so has been a repeated theme for five years. Every injury I had meant asking for help. Nowadays, I'm not injured, I just don't know how to proceed, and don't have the means to buy what I need. Asking is taking me to whole new places. I'm SO happy about it! People are chipping in to help get my new blog up, my podcast done, and more. I'm even getting scads of new clothes from my office manager, who's the same size as me and heard me talking about how I had no cash to get my wardrobe up and running -- just bills from a long while back, et al, that all need to get sorted. Suddenly I have new clothes.

The thing is, small shit like this is what's enabling me to focus more on what NEEDS to get done. It's giving me a little control back over my life, and I'm sleeping better, I'm almost content and at peace. I don't need to work two jobs now. I have what I need to just live my life and put my energies onto my loves. My loves, not my obligations. I'm so happy about that I could cry!

Yesterday, just walking around, for the first time in months, if not a year, I really, really felt like the me I wanna be. It rocked. I had a silly grin on my face the whole day. Guys must've thought I was flirting or something, or maybe I just looked cute (entirely possible, you know) because I was getting smiles shot my way everywhere I went. Even from chicks, though, so I think I was just emanating that kind of vibe people like to be around. People laughed at things I said, winked, everything. Love it!

God, it feels good to be back, you know? A month off those pills now, and I feel like I'm finally getting back to me. And now I'll even have some cute new clothes to pull a look together, too. AND PERSONALITY! I have one! Really, I do! Yippee!

It's been a long time since I've seen things begin slipping into place like it now seems to be doing for me. I'm getting excited about what's around the corner. Now I just need to rediscover some faith in myself, and then, who knows. I might just pick up some speed and get somewhere, you know? After all, I wrote my goals out about a month or so ago -- "Total World Domination: The PLAN OF ATTACK," was what I called it, using a font with skulls and such in it. Quite vicious, really.

But the plan's under way, and everything's coming together to make it happen. I fucking love it when a plan comes together, like Hannibal always says.