the reticent posting

i wasn't gonna post. nope. just too tired. and now that's why i'm posting. i feel like i need to unload my brain. defrag, as it were.

sigh. long, long day. long, long week. and it's going to get longer. i get no days off until next weekend, and i'm tired.

barcamp starts at nine but they ain't fucking seeing me till about 11.

it's been a pretty accomplished week, all in all.

1) figured out how to edit podcasts.
2) came up with a game plan and began writing a script.
3) figured out how to apply the "theme" i've thought of (it'll be worth a good chuckle if/when y'all hear it, by yours truly).
4) eked out the beginnings of a template that just needs tweaks.
5) set up the new blog site and have enlisted help for figuring out the FTP feed.
6) got the company i work for about 90% caught up in accounting, after FuckHead's incompetent "but paper's just fine!" accounting methodology nearly caused me to have an aneurysm.
7) had a good XXXXX in which they asked me for a second XXXXX but after thinking about it have decided it's not right for me.
8) have networked with some very promising leads at barcamp.
9) designed some temp business cards that'll do the trick for barcamp.
10) had a promising session with my counsellor that has helped me sort of see why i've been failing to do what i know i have the potential to do.

fuck, man. lots has gone down. busy fucking week. rewarding, too, so don't get me wrong there, but i'm just tired. if there wasn't so much to gain from going to barcamp, i wouldn't go, but there is, so i'll sleep in and not give myself too much grief 'bout it.

my goals were:

1) to meet some people with good ideas on how to have a good podcast.
2) to get some ingenuity in how to pursue monetary leads in blogging.
3) to make connections for possible job upgrading.
4) to make connections for possible pro blogging.
5) to learn about advertising potential.
6) to meet cool new people.
7) to understand a little more about the world of computers.

and i've met and exceeded all those goals.

then i came home and ate honey garlic chicken wings and garlic bread before doing two loads of laundry, half my dishes, and cleaning my floors -- plus, i made the business cards i mentioned above.

i plan to spend the remainder of this week getting my blog up and running, figuring out the posting, and scripting the podcast. next weekend: sleep, cycling, eating good food, and podcasting. NO PEOPLE.

YOU HEAR THAT, FRIENDS? STAY AWAY! DON'T INVITE ME OUT! DON'T COME VISIT! I HAVE NO WILLPOWER! I BEG OF YOU! MAKE ME WORK! THINK OF IT AS SOLITARY CONFINEMENT -- A LA SHAWSHANK, ME AND AN ARIA AND DARKNESS, MAN!

heh. think they'll notice? heh. snicker.

i'm thinking the podcast air date is september 7th. i need to think about it for a couple more days, and then commit firmly. even if it's just 10-15 minutes long, just having that first one out the door, my god... i bet you i feel like cryin' i'll be so relieved to have it done with. shrug. it'll be a good thing.

i get scared of trying new things. real, real scared sometimes, but i'm normally not dumb enough to be public about what i'm trying, so i've heaped ALL this pressure upon myself by being open about the whole process, and i'm just dying to be done with it now. i think i made it public 'cos i knew i'd turtle and duck from it if i'd kept the goal secret. by being public i forced myself to honour my words. dumb, but not.

i don't have massive expectations. i just wanna be true to myself and have my personality come through. that's all the success i need right now, and it's something i'd be mighty proud of accomplishing.

and it's something i feel i'm on the verge of actualizing.

i had my scooter towed today. sigh. $82. fuck, man. until then, i was having an awesome day. after that, an okay day. i'm cool with it now, still a little mad both at the bullshit of towing a scooter and also at myself for making the erroneous parking judgment, but whatever. even at $82 for that, $40 for the ticket, and $20 for barcamp, this still might be an insanely lucrative weekend for me. i'm hoping the towing is a Big Finish to the Recent Bullshit i've endured. i think i'm done for bad stuff, and i think i'm on the verge of getting my due.

you know, i just need to remember that i've always been able to sell just about anything to anyone. back when i worked managing a toy store, i once was about to process a $9 toy sale, and by just chatting the customer up managed to turn it into a $2300 toy sale. she owned a preschool in Korea, and by just investigating a bit, i sold her everything her little heart desired. i can always sell something i believe in. so why don't i sell myself? don't i believe in myself? maybe i didn't. now i'm starting to.

i wrote this set of goals last week, which i had fun writing, called:

Total World Domination: The Plan of Attack.

on the left are all the goals, about 17 of them, almost all about podcasting right now, and on the right were three "ad" boxes in which i did credos to live by, among which was the Richard Ford quote in my sidebar, as well as: "I must see myself as I am seen."

and that's true. we so seldom look at ourselves as others see us. instead, we judge ourselves harshly in the cold light of cynicism and low self-esteem. i know i do it, all the time. i'm trying to listen to what others say, though, and really start looking at my accomplishments through their eyes. it's hard, but i'm working on it.

oh, and a last point before i recklessly hurtle myself at my bed: i always enjoyed saying the name of my sex blog, "cunting linguist," to new folks. they always grinned and such. but you know what? the new name gets AWESOME reactions. "smut and steff" keeps getting me these gut-busting laughs and big lip-cracking smirks like i never would've thought. i just love seeing people's faces when they hear the name. i'm getting a little more jazzed as time passes.*

but what i'm really getting is tired. so, without ado... adieu.

*y'know, i still remember the night i thought of it. it was warm and i was lying there naked, pretty much as i always do, with just a sheet over me, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. suddenly, "SMUT AND STEFF" flashed in front of me and i laughed loudly, snickered, jumped out of bed, and grabbed the first pen i could find, which turned out to be a Sharpie marker, and scrawled it down. i crawled into bed, just elated, and fell sound asleep within five minutes, confident it was a winner. what a great feeling that was. doesn't come often, you know?