They're ba-a-a-a-ack!

I had to be mean to someone in email this morning. The thing about this "sex" writing gig I get the periodic would-be-stalker type. Nice guys who get attached to my persona and start trying to email me and stuff like that, proposals for long-distance trysts. It fortunately doesn't happen often, and it was nice when I was in relationship that it all seemed to die down for awhile, but now that I'm single again, it seems to be starting up again.

I should do a posting on the Cunt sometime and just make it clear I'm not that type, but I don't want to come off all weird.

I had a long distance thing with a guy from Oregon once. We'd met briefly once and he flew into town and we had a couple weeks of incredible fun and have never spoken since. His name was Eric and he has a fond place in the back of my mind, but that's about it. But we met hostelling and had one of those all-night conversations while he had a girlfriend back home. Stayed in touch by email from time to time, heard he was single, and the sordid started thereafter.

Would I do it again? Maybe. Certain situations. There's something nice about knowing you've got some hot sex on the horizon for a couple weeks and then no strings beyond that, but what if the strings are what you're wanting? It's easy enough for me to get laid. "Hi. I write about sex. I know things. Wanna see?"

But I'm completely uninterested in that. Casual sex holds no appeal. And right now, I'm a bit of a mental state. Sex without an intellectual and emotional connection just doesn't work for me at this point. Maybe soon I'll be into a cheap fling or casual dating with someone. Today is not your day.

As far as hooking up with a reader goes, I think it's unlikely. In some ways, it would rock. They'd be into my writing, they'd care about it, etc. I don't know. I sort of hate it. One of the things I hated in my recent relationship was the disparity between what he knew about me and what I knew about him. He got to read EVERYTHING of mine, and his stuff was never nearly as revealing as mine. I just felt like I never, ever caught up when it came to getting to know him, and even now, I still don't feel on the same page that way. Still, I feel like I know him very well and I trust him implicitly, but... there's that disparity. Always is. And he wasn't a reader before we hooked up. So. Imagine how much weirder it'd be with someone who deliberately was reading me and following me in their private worlds for countless weeks or months.

I guess I don't mind a guy flirting once or twice or joking around with me a little through all these things I write, and I honestly rather enjoy it, but I dislike strangers who repeatedly make attempts to meet me or something. It's pressure, and right now, it's the last thing I need when my life's filled with pressure from top to bottom.

So, let it be known -- now's not a good time to try and get your fantasies coming true, 'cos it ain't gonna fucking happen. This chick's dealing with herself, and if that means self-love and all that, then so be it.

____________________

Depress-o-meter: I'm a solid six, maybe moving up to a 6.5 as the reality of work gets closer. I've worked at this place for most of the last six and a bit years, and to be back there now is strange. To be working there before going to my new job makes me so appreciative of the slow, easy pace of the new place. This week I know I'll be watching my clock constantly. Am I working fast enough? Did I meet deadline? Do I need to plan ahead? Is this show going to be cut this densely throughout? Every single action in a day, there, requires deliberation. I don't know how I did it for six years. I'm so glad I'm leaving. Love them, love the people, hate the environment now. Thursday, I go on the meds. Thursday, things begin to change. I need to decide today how much tutoring to do this week, because, truth be told, I'm still worn to the fucking nub. I don't know if I can handle it. I think there's one student I'll cancel, and the rest I can teach, so that's only 4.5, not six hours this week. The other is a pair of boys who I can't stand teaching, and I don't want to put myself through that if I don't need to. I could just work two more hours at the company and make it up there. Hmm. So, those decisions need to be made today, and anytime I need to make decisions, I get really stressed out and worried. It's lame. On the upside, I think I'm doing a documentary today. And docs rock.