ReThought

I had a pretty social weekend planned, but the reality is that I'm having to change that landscape of fun to something more work-ish. I won't be going on a photography excursion tomorrow, nor will I be cycling around the park after my expensive/cheap hair-styling today. I'll keep Luminares in my plans, the annual lantern festival at Trout Lake, because that means hanging with my brother and his kid.

I need to buckle down tomorrow and work on some podcasting. I'm procrastinating not only because I hate troubleshooting and learning technical shit, but because I'm just flat-out scared. I'm scared of trying, scared of failing, scared of caring about it.

But I need to do it. If I can actually accomplish something on that front, then I'll be immeasurably happy.

Speaking of happy...

Taking the pills now, and I'm sleeping well for the first time in months. How do ya like that, huh?

I got an actual eight+ hours last night and actually feel rested this morning. I've already got a load of laundry in, have taken a monster pile of garbage out, have sorted through some clothes to toss out for the needy, and will now quickly do dishes, make a good breakfast, then go teach for an hour.*

Now, speaking of money...

My world was living and dying with every buck I found or lost for a while there. I was in tears, I was a nervous fucking wreck. I was in one of the darkest places I've ever known -- for a few weeks in a row. Now, everywhere I fucking turn, I'm either getting shit for free, or I have money opportunities arising. What the fuck?

I've been asked if there's any way I can work at my old job as well as my new job next week. I'm having a really hard time deciding, too. The money would be great, but there's so much I need to accomplish, and this is part of why I'm ditching my plans in favour of working on podcasting. If I can actually accomplish something, that means I can go and make myself an additional $150 or more next weekend, right? Sigh.

And then there's the dilemma of this still being summer, and my feeling like my summer's been robbed from me, and here I am with one month left, and now I have to decide whether to become complicit in the hijacking of my summer, or whether to stand my ground and say I have enough to live on, that I need to protect my mental health for now.

I honestly don't know what to do.

Working for additional money's great, and it's so easy to do, but the price we pay is often far higher than the money's worth. I've seen it dismantle me in the past.

I don't know. I might do it just this coming weekend, and then protect my ass and dial back for a bit. I don't know. I hate indecision. I hate feeling this. Weird.

Anyhow. Some good, some bad, some weird, some undecided. I'm scattered, but in a good emotional place, I think. I think.

(*That's one of the reasons I'm glad to be on Happy Pills. Not only do they balance mood, but they eliminate anxiety and slow things down enough to help overcome the feelings of being overwhelmed by challenges. I freak out at times like this, I worry too much. I need that element of eliminating all the bullshit so I can focus on the important tasks -- and get them done. I hate the weight of obligation, and it's been squashing me for awhile now. I think these pills will pull me out from under that. I can accomplish a lot when I set my mind to it, but in the face of fear, I always pull back. I already feel like that's beginning to change, and I suspect it'll change a bit over the next week -- or, I hope it does.)