it's friday, and i'm drained. this week has been bizarre. some sad times, some hard fucking times, some moments of joy, a couple decent moments of writing, no exercise, no outlets beyond the dope and the writing, a couple visits with people, and so forth. chaos from start to finish, but i'm glad i'm at the finish.

i still feel like i have no idea where my life is going. i don't, yet. nothing's solid.

i have to get the podcasting going. i'm glad i'll be working my old job next week; it's always been good creatively, and i need a kickstart with the podcasting.

the podcasting scares the crap out of me, but i know it's something that, if i put my mind to it, i can do really well. i need to write the first program, and then i think i'll leave two weeks in between broadcasts at the beginning, so i can assess what worked and didn't. i kind of have this little fantasy of being the spoken-word lovechild of Oprah meets Howard Stern and Jon Stewart in a dirty dark alley. a girl can hope, can't she?

it doesn't help that this comes on the heels of all these less-than-good happenings in my life, because my confidence is low right now, as is my self-esteem. i'm not sure what i can do to beef that up, but it's part of why i'm trying to get social and stuff again. i need the support of friends and others these days, i guess, in order to sort of come back to myself a little. it's been a hard six weeks, this job shit.

podcasting... i need to set my bedroom up so it can double as a studio. i need to learn about sound clips -- the how-to and the law. i need to start reading the news more, so i know what to be angry about. i'm so fucking ignorant right now. sigh.

it's going to take some drastic changes, this podcasting thing. i need to be more world-minded if i'm to pull this off. i'm fortunate... i'll have two audiences to pull from, the technical prowess of a major company out of LA behind me in the post-prod stage, and the ability to have two podcasts, thanks to a live Q&A in real-time with my listeners on the RLC website.

they tell you that every major personality or actor or radio star or whatever, that everyone gets a leg up from someone who believes in them. right now, i can think of two people who could possibly fit that bill in my life -- the guy that's fronted all this equipment to me, and the guy from Monday about the film opportunity. it's strange when you meet someone new who sees SOMETHING you offer, and is blown away by it. to have that belief in you not be coming from a friend, lover, or family member is just a huge experience.

oh, fingers crossed. god, i'm nervous. well, no, i'm just scattered. real, real scattered.

but this pisses me off. jesus, like we need an actual reason to plunk children down in front of the TV even earlier, for longer periods? brilliant. just brilliant.