The Trouble With All That...

(see post below this)

...is that, come daytime, I need to be nice and good and not smoke dope. Sadly, there's three more days of working at this office, and I tutor tonight. I'm gonna switch tomorrow's and Friday's classes to Saturday, though, 'cos I can't handle these long days.

It's raining today, and it suits my mood: Despondency, depression, denial. I'm just angry. I can't believe I've gotten a job and the fuckheads didn't see a major client walking before it happened. That's all. I'm bitter. Angry, angry. I can't even spend a cent to go on a bender.

I'm single again, too. Not like the relationship was all that good for the last couple of months, but, y'know, it becomes a crutch, too. You start taking those crutches away and things get harder for a while.

I just hate knowing that I feel THIS way inside, and I have an hour to pull it together, hop on my scooter, and try to arrive safe and alive.

A good but bad thing later is that I have to get to the post office and pick up all my podcast recording gear. I get to unwrap that and have a little Christmas tonight. But first I need to get a cab to take that shit home. It's good, 'cos it'll be cool opening it. It's bad, 'cos now I need to start learning how to podcast... as if I didn't have enough on my plate.

I know sweet fuck all about recording, so this is now becoming yet another stress I don't want to deal with right now.

The writing, I don't know if it's helping me to get all this locked-up emotional crap out, or if it's perpetuating it. Shit, I doubt it's perpetuating it, I guess. I think anyone who wouldn't be fucked up about the week I'm having is probably some fucking robot.

I just remembered -- at 8:30, I have to phone a recruiter that I set things up with while working yesterday. (If you're gonna lay someone off in their first week, they get to look for work during their shift, all right? Fuck, man.) I wrote myself a resume / ad for craigslist, saying how cool I am and my skills and the kinds of jobs I'd be good for, and had my first response within about five hours. It's a recruiter specifically looking for my skill set for an executive assistant with strong editorial and graphics skills. I might fit the bill. We'll see. Still, it's a lead.

I'm just tired of being worried, that's all. I thought I got to move on, and deal with life in general. Now I'm back to this. I think I'm acclimatizing at my bottom. I'm sure I'll be on the way up soon, but right now, well... let's just say I'm having a bad, bad start to my day.