Crazy Fuckin' Day

I woke up in this dark, dark place, man. Whew. I rolled out of bed, and kinda had this moment of, "Cool, it's raining." Then, blammo. I just started getting teary.

You know, so far, aspects of this summer (mostly money-related) have made this the second most unhappiest summer of my life. Really, it's been a hard, hard time for me. My mother died seven years ago this August, and that was fucking black. But the thing I'm realizing -- and this is really interesting, so listen up, you kids -- is that no matter how fucking dark a day gets, there's always the good moments, and it kind of comes down to one thing:

How selective is your memory?

When you lie your ass down at night and pray the lord your soul to keep, what's your last thought of the day of? A good moment? Or not?

And it's a choice, where we let our consciousness rest, some days. A choice and a battle. Some days, a war. Deciding to be happy, deciding not to worry, these are far more easily said than done. I'm usually able to cope a little better than I have been, but then, these are extraordinary times.

I'm consciously aware now that this will be one of those rare times in my life that I will one day be able to think, "But I made it through that. This should be a piece of cake."

I do like that about adversity, I really do. I like being passed through the fire, forged. I like being made stronger. Reinforcement is something money will never buy. To have that resilience, it's a fucking blessing.

I guess that it's in these moments... my quietude. Moments with someone I trust, moments doing something that makes me honest, such as this, are the moments when I come out a little and express my true fears and worries. You don't see me the rest of the time, the "I'm Super Steff, I Can Do This" moments of quiet fakery. You don't see the Pretender, she of fleeting moments of Courage-ish. You don't see me keeping it together when every atom of my being is screaming, "Lemme the fuck outta here!"

So, you get this, a mix of brash confidence and extreme concern.

Compounded by the fact that I'm a control freak-perfectionist. I can't stand not knowing my future. There are people who live life this way. I can't fucking fathom that choice. I need to know. I want my itinerary. I want a conscious grasp of my future's direction. Call me greedy. Call me demanding. I want it, and I WANT IT NOW!

But, today... Today spanned a great many weird things. Complete desolation in the morning. Anger and despair in the noon. Laissez-faire, come-what-may in the afternoon. I'd sent off a few emails this morning, urging another interview for a job, asking for hours at my old work (a success!), and so forth. Had a conversation with a recruiter (and plans to meet tomorrow evening).

So, now I have full-time hours for a couple weeks, and a job I'm comfortable doing. I feel like it's a sign, you know? A suggestion that for every adversity comes some ease. Maybe now I'm going to move in the right direction. Work for people I respect while I hunt for more employment. Awesome.

I'll know soon what I can expect. They know my heart's not in it and a foot's out the door, but they love me, as all people do, and want to have me around for a bit. I'm good at the job, albeit I've been told they expect me to be stinky at first. Ha. Nice. An excuse!

I mean, sure, I'm unlucky in love this week and shit like that, but I'm not myopic. I saw that coming from the word "break," and I mean in regards to the initial bones. Glad it ended on a decent note. Wish it was a little less dramatic. Que sera sera. It's not like I'll be crying in my Cheerios. It is what it is. Who knows what comes, y'know?

But not having work, that's a certainty. It's a very scary thing. Tuesday and early Weds... Whoo. Don't want days like that again for a while. That's five of those days now in the last 3 or so weeks. Crazy shit. I think I'm done.

And I'm done this. Must make spuds!