My Shameless Moment of Shame

So, I bought some dope on Sunday, which is nice, because I lost my job on Monday.

The thinking wasn't "Ooh, I have money, I'll buy some dope!" It was more along the lines of two things. One, I have had one fucking hard month. I could use a mental break. I have been ON for weeks now, and I'm so goddamned frazzled, I'm fraying.

I'm keeping it together, right, only because I believe in myself, and because nothing in my life has ever meant nothing. Everything has significance, everything teaches me. I'm a willing student, too, but I'm just tired, is all. And a little sad that I'm being tested again. The strange dichotomy of totally believing in oneself being juxtaposed against a total lack of faith in life is kind of a hard one to navigate.

And I'm tired of thinking. I'm just sick of the worry and the constant obsessing of, "Is there a new ad? Is my cellphone working? Will I get there in time? Why do I have to have a bad hair day TODAY?" is wearing thin.

So, yes. I am absolutely, inarguably, completely running away from my problems. Yes, I am without a doubt using it as a crutch. With bloody pleasure, too.

And two, I was going away. I was proud of myself for holding my shit together, getting through a storm, and I was going to treat myself. But the dope wasn't the treat. I had an experience in mind. I would finally go through the effort of formatting my iPOD for my new Windows PC, dump new music on it. I'd get the photos cleared out of my camera. And when in Kelowna, I'd rent myself a mountain bike for three or four hours, and I'd just take the fuck off and miss some events for a little serious Me time. I wanted to get high and ride through the local terrain and trails, and I wanted to do some nature photography along the way. I figured a couple hours for the riding, and a couple for the pics, and I'd be just fuckin' RESTORED, man.

It was a good plan. Instead, it'll be more of the fucking same around here, but at least I'll be entertained. I'll probably do a ride around the university. Kelowna would've been so fucking cool.

Anyhow, yeah. I'm propped up by a big-assed crutch. I suspect that this is going to be bottom, this week. I think it really can't go anywhere but up from here. I mean, honestly, this week stinks. I'm just challenging myself to think positive thoughts and remember that I have something potentially really cool on the horizon...

...working on a film set, doing the production coordination. How cool would this be, huh? It takes me consciously thinking of it to remember that it looms, but whenever I pull that memory out, I smile a little. It'd just be cool. I dunno if it would work. I feel like an ass for even writing about it. I don't want to jinx it. So, here I sit, trying to play it cool. "It's a kid's show company. It'd be kinda lame..."

When I secretly couldn't give a shit what it is, really. It's the doing that's satisfying. Yes, a great film would be even better, but still.

And right now, I'm just swimming in worry again. I try to override it, but I'm on my fucking period, too, so my hormones really have a little something to say about how long my lease on sanity gets to stay alive. Heh. Fuck, man.

You know, I don't even need to wait until one day to begin laughing about this. It's so fucking ludicrous, this situation I'm in, that it's comical. I mean, this is fucking Abbott and Costello here.

I'm working for a fucking small-business CONSULTING company, and they can't even keep me employed for longer than a week. Fucking amateurs.

Somebody hand me a rubber chicken. Someone needs some sense beaten into them.

Thank god I have oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. There is good left in this world, Virginia. Cookies are proof.