sleep, sleep, perchance to sleep

i was gonna come here and piss and moan, probably still will, but decided to pop into my email and got a really heart-warming email from a new reader. she wrote that she just landed on my page, i guess, and "FELL in COMPLETE love with your straight-forward, yet humorous advice".

aww!

i just wanted to write a little because i'm feeling really down tonight though. it's just been two weeks, maybe even three, since my insomnia started on a friday night, since i've had a really good night's sleep. at least i've had two 7-hour nights in the last week, but one was with a sleeping pill, and that wasn't as smart as i think i thought it was.

or maybe it's just the cumulative effect of all the fatigue. either way, i suspect i'll sleep well tonight. last night was my first 7-hour night since about, ooh, july 29-30 that didn't require a sleeping pill. promising -- but because i slept well, i've been even more exhausted today. perhaps it's a new exhausted, the kind that harkens a night of restful sleep.

tonight i picked up some vitamin-b complex per a reader's advice, since i know i'm not getting much b's these days, and since it's supposedly the go-to thing after kicking mood meds.

so, i'm down because i'm just so tired that i don't want to do a fucking thing. but i'll be much better by monday, i suspect. this feels like one of those 'darkest before dawn' moments, so i'm sort of embracing the 'blah' emotions 'cos i know they're on the out. or i'm damned well hoping. at least the rest of the week has been slowly improving after the horrible three-hour night on monday. ugh.

i think i'm not seeing anyone tomorrow or doing anything, really. get my hair cut, clean my place, do some yoga, and try to take some naps. i don't like this sleepless steff i'm becoming. i don't like her at all.

THAT said, i am marvelling at how well i've handled this insomniac phase of mine. i've done very well with it.

but i'll be thrilled when it's over. i've had bad insomnia like this twice before, both in the last five years. once with the head injury, the other time because i became freakishly light-sensitive in the mornings. the first time was a hard, hard trial for me. the light-sensitivity one just took a trip to the fabric store and an hour of my time with a glue-gun, black-out fabric, and my bamboo blinds.

next day i slept till noon.

anyhow, tonight it's diego murillo, michael clayton, and me. wine and a movie and an early night.

but that reader's letter? perfectly timed. :)

oh, there's an interesting realization... that i never, ever had insomnia until the head injury. the only other time was when i was 15 for about 5 days. hmm... every month that passes, i realize a new way that i'm not quite the same as i used to be. nothing horribly drastic. just enough that i hope i never take another knock to the noggin, is all. not like that. and three two-week periods of insomnia in four years, all since the head injury? hmm. ooor... it could just be that i'm over 30 and women's body chemistries change. that's a happier thought. :) and quite entirely possible. that's the problem with having a potentially life-altering head injury at age 30 -- it's the same period that you "change" anyhow. fucking stupid convergence of age and happenstance. i'm always wondering. "injury or chronology?" fuckin' hell! heh. :)