Sunday Morning Ramblings

So, I cycled 40km Friday. Ouch. But I was fine this weekend. Stiff, sure, but that's it. Good stuff. Heckuva workout, for sure.

Today's Mother's day. Hmm. I'm all right with it. I've had moments of late, in the last few months, where I've had very bad "I miss my Mommy" days, where I'd have given anything for a mom-daughter chat, but they were situational. Meaning, things happened that caused that response. I'll have those things happen the rest of my life, it is what it is.

But today I'm cool. I'm not even leaving my apartment this weekend. It's awesome. I'm about to watch a couple depressing drug movies while I clean house intermittently. The Midnight Express is first on tap. I've only seen it once and it's been years and years, but I'd like to see it again, though I know it'll depress the hell out of me, but something in me needs to see it.

I don't remember much of it, but I like the idea of watching something today in which someone's wrenched from their comfortable life and needs to fight and persevere to overcome the most horrible of odds. Something about that story works for me today. I'm not sure why. But there you have it. Sometimes these strange compellings lead to good writing sessions, so we'll see what happens later.

Yesterday, as a surprise in the midst of all the morons on the web dating site I check periodically, there's a smart, successful guy who totally fits the mold of the kind of guys I typically like... but, successful. :P

Which is good, because I'm getting pretty sick of the guys who are trying to convince themselves they're happy with their lives because it's easier than trying to get something they've actually always wanted. I'm sick of the fear of trying in my own life, and know the last thing I want is to be around that again in a relationship.

I took a kick at the "Is there a career out there for me?" can and quit my job and tried a few things out, and I hated it all, am glad to be back in my old status quo, and am instead trying to make myself happy in every other area of my life. And it's working. Work is working for me. Do I want it for the rest of my life? No, I want to be a writer. Will other jobs accommodate my writing? No, not like this one. Therefore, I'll stay here as long as I'm able, while I'm trying to make my writing work for me. Doing what I need to be doing, is the nutshell.

So I've no fucking patience for anyone who's going to bitch at me about his job. Not in a relationship. I can handle friends being unhappy at theirs, especially the married ones. They get to bitch about work. But single guys with nothing to lose, no. Not anymore. I don't really respect it.

I don't know if this email will lead to anything. "Great" is my answer either way. Leads to nothing? Perfect. My life's going in a good direction right now, and I suspect staying single's not going to last forever. Not if I keep cycling 40 clicks and achieving things I've always been nervous about. I like this woman I'm becoming, and it's something I can focus on and be happy about for a while. When I'm happier, it'll be infectious, and I won't stay single. It works like that.

But if it leads to a relationship, that'd be pretty great, too. Just so long as no one gets in my way. Those are relationships I can do without. I'm going to be pretty fucking fiercely protective of my priorities for a while. Fitness & writing/blog are at the top of my list, everyone and everything else is a distant second & thereafter.

Still, I'm really digging who I'm becoming. I'm dealing with more and more of my past and my insecurities with every passing week, and it's hard, and I'm often grumpy and tired, but I'm so pleased with what I'm getting done. This is my first 100km cycling week, for instance, in a really long time, and I think I've only ever had one 100-km cycling week, but it was a cycling holiday. This is 100km + work, so it's a great start. I'm aiming for another 100km week this week too, but towards the back end of the week 'cos tues & weds are concert nights, and monday's my gym night with my new buddy. Expensive week at a bad time, which fucking sucks. But I'll have fun doing it.

Well, time to get some coffee on the go and the Midnight Express.