Babbling about this week's weight struggle

It's supposed to be sunny and 16, which would really help motivate me to ride my bike today, but it's blah and grey, a little like me.

That's okay. I'll ride my bike anyhow. Gonna get ready in half an hour or so. I really don't fucking want to.

Did I mention I laid out my area rugs the other night? My place feels so much more homey. I'm really looking forward to holing up and healing on the weekend after what I predict to be a very hardcore week for me.

I'm really tired and don't know if I'll manage the active week I'm hoping to have, meaning 90 minutes plus of working out each day I'm working... but I'm going to try.

Why? I want to know if I can, I guess. Never have been able to, but I've never really tried. I've never wanted to try. Never thought I could, I guess, so why try? Now I know I can, but I'm not sure I'll be able to yet. Definitely in the coming weeks. But hopefully this week, if weather cooperates, etc. Blah.

I've set 6 hours as the weekly goal for working out, though. If I make that but fail on five-consecutive-days, well, I'll live. :)

But eating, that's goal number two this week. Trying to have a week of eating very, very healthy, balanced, fat-controlled meals, coupled with heavy activity, so I have an idea what I can accomplish when I'm on page in all areas-- especially since next week's a very, very heavy social week with two concerts, two birthdays, and lots of eating out. Ugh. I smell death. It's gonna kill me.

I have five days off next week, too, though, and plan to push it real good for my off-time, too.

You know, all this bullshit about, "Yeah, you'll feel great all the time!" when you're losing weight and busting your ass for fitness. IT'S A FUCKING LIE, PEOPLE!

I feel like crap! I'm tired, I'm sore, I don't want to hang out with people. I mean, GEEZ. My place is a mess 'cos I'm working out too often and don't feel like cleaning up, and did I mention I'm sore and tired? Right. Don't forget, I'm hauling, like, 230 fucking pounds around with me. You think yer fuckin' groceries are weighing you down on stairs? Christ. You don't know nothin'.

HOWEVER.

I feel pretty good about what I've been accomplishing fit-wise. Every time I make it up another hill, I'm happy with myself. For a split second. When, like yesterday, I'm huffing and puffing my fat-fat-fat ass up a big hill and people are smiling at me and pumping the air to encourage me to keep going, I feel pretty fucking great. That did happen yesterday, too. Just big hills I've seen skinnier people walking up, and while I'm looking pretty ugly as I'm doing it, I'm still getting it done, however ingloriously. They were cheering me, and earnest about it, and it felt really, really nice. It really made my whole ride worth it, honestly, especially when I kind of feel that way for just getting up those fucking hills some days.

So, when I'm sitting on my ass all tired and dead later, I know I've earned the sloth. Which is quite different from sitting on one's ass and feeling like an ass for failing to move said ass, of course.

Well, I've got to go grab my laundry, put it all away, then cycle to work. Bah! I'll cycle. I just don't plan to be happy about it for a bit. Mmf. :P

SOME 20 or 30 MINUTES LATER: I've grabbed a pair of cut-offs, and I had a moment of brain-hit happen, you know, where some thought just slaps you awake and you go "Wha?" But, if memory serves, these cut-offs are the ones I bought in England in '91... Like, a long time ago. They've never really fit me but for a bright sunshiny month before I had my first of two accidents, in '03. But they've never been loose enough to cycle in, except maybe now. But it startles me to think I've been more or less around this size since '91, but usually a bit bigger. That's kinda freaky. I think the only reason I kept 'em around is because they were one of three things I had from my vacation with my mom and brother to England, the only such trip we ever took, the three of us. Sentimental. Nice to have them fitting now.

Well, I'm off to cycle my sore ass 13km to work. I've lengthened my route by 2km each way. Dumb, but true. Whatever. I figure I need a little extra kick in the ass, so we'll see how it helps. Enjoyed it yesterday... a nicer route, more people peopling the path, more camaraderie and community feel. It feels better than the wealthier, more upscale routes I've been trying of late, so it's worth the added distance, plus, there's now some waterfront in my ride. Slick route retooling! :)