thoughts at night

well, i'm taking tomorrow night off tutoring. i've decided the thing i need more than anything right now is cycling. tomorrow night, i ride.

saturday i already have a big ride lined up. i'm getting my brother out of the house and we're heading to the fireworks and maybe some dinner together. i might try to get us into Wild Rice or something. after all, i work a block away from there and we can park our bikes in my office over dinner, ride over the Burrard Bridge and watch the display from On High. probably in more ways than one, too.

it's likely a good thing. sunday is the anniversary of my mom's death. i'll be working a bit, but not too much. maybe a half day. i think i need more time for myself than i've allowed this week.

emotionally, i'm up and down. this morning i was riding to work on a high, zipping along on my scooter and singing some pretty wicked scat-ditties that had some nice cadence to them, the first time i've had my groove thang going for awhile.

i didn't have much of a ride last night, maybe 8 klicks, but i forced it out and rode hard and fast, and that felt great. on the way back, i was singing quite unabashedly, quite loudly, along to a cover of Bowie's "the man who sold the world." y'know, i do it some justice, man. i was heading up 70th when i locked eyes with a guy who was my kinda cute and it didn't faze me a bit, just kept singing out loud, and was given the cutest little grin i've seen in a bit. that was nice.

i was more or less propositioned in email last night, too, which took me by surprise. it might be a little too soon to be getting THAT groove thang on for me, but it was nice to get the offer, especially since it's not from an unknown variable. it's funny, i was wondering where all the attention went for awhile, but i guess being in a relationship was a giant brick wall Do Not Pass Go or something, and now that that's gone, a lot of freaks are coming out of the woodwork and all. still, i like the attention. let's face it, i'm depressed and my esteem needs a helping hand. i'll take the attention, especially when i don't need to do anything in return.

i was really fucking depressed and angry and bitter last night, and tonight i'm just sad and frustrated. last night was ugly. i was crying a bit. a lot, i guess. it wasn't until i got on my bike and went that things started feeling okay. singing, weirdly, was also a really good release, even if i seemed a little loopy to onlookers. fuck 'em, man. *I* can carry a note. had voice lessons as a kid with a bitter old French lady, you know.

"you must start from the diaphragm. yes, that's it."

anyhow, i don't have a point. i'm just venting. i'm happy, though; i have adobe illustrator and some other good programs now. sometime in the next week i'm gonna make a banner for what will soon be my third blog. hey, baby, good things come in threes, momma always said.

"smut'n'steff" will be the name of it, and i have a very print-oriented banner in mind already. i want it clean, very few colours. i'll need to whore for some help on some design things, i think, or else i'll just hijack a bunch of this html code for this blog, since i love this design. probably more than the Cunt, even though that's a cooler banner, but it's not original content, so it always makes me feel guilty. at least this banner is all mine -- my photo, my stylings. i should switch it out from time to time, since i have six of them, but i love this one for some reason. whatever.

it'll be fun designing some aspects of a new blog, and a pain in the ass for other aspects. still... i loves me a challenge, you know. and a little change has been due to come for some time.

i've had breyer's vanilla in the fridge for a week, and haven't touched a drop. tonight, i'm cracking that bad boy and having an ode to my youth: cocoa powder and vanilla ice cream, all mushed together. MmmMmm. my little sad place thinks it'll be a happy boost. i agree.