Man, Not Again

I'm back to depressed again this morning. I don't get it. I'm angry about it, too, and that's "really" helping. Sigh.

I had the suggestion proposed to me last night that I get off the birth control pills for awhile, and I guess now that I'm single and not getting laid, I might as well, but it's just such a pain in the ass if I do become sexually active again. Sigh. I've decided on a compromise. I'll go off for three months and see if it helps. If it does, I will probably return to taking the pill around Christmas or late fall, but only on the regular one-month intervals, or perhaps for six weeks on the pill, then one off. I think this three-months of pills thing has fucked me royally.

Not that I wasn't depressed before. I'd been fighting it. When my ex broke his leg, I went from using all that energy I had been using to make myself feel good about myself, and tried to help him. That was my mistake, and I'm paying for it. Oh, I would have helped him either way -- that's what we do for people we care about, right? But I should've been more balanced about it. Balance has always been evil to me. I need to remember how important it is to continue caring for myself no matter what happens to those around me. It's something I've always forgotten, and the price I've paid has always been good.

(They say that good and caring people are more prone to depression, as are intellects. Yeesh.)

So, yet another weapon in my arsenal against this. 1) Writing all the time, 2) the meds, 3) the lack of BC, 4) exercise [but not enough of it] and so forth. I will greatly reduce my drinking, and I will largely eliminate the dope. Now I need to begin actively caring about myself more -- ie, doing things I enjoy like cooking or stuff like that. Not sure I really have the time for it all yet, but soon I will. Still, if I cook myself two or three decent meals this week, I'll be happy.

And I should make more muffins with soy flour. I did that a couple of weeks ago, and oh, my GOD, did my body respond well to soy flour! I'd say holy shit, but then you'd have too good an idea what I mean. Still, soy flour was great to bake with, and the taste was just fine. I'm switching off wheat flour for most baking now. Yeah, I should do some blueberry muffins. Berry season's almost over and I have nothing in the freezer. Bah!

This week will be a busy week for me, and then the week after will go largely unplanned. Hopefully, by the end of the first week in September, I will have turned a corner.

But I think I have been depressed off and on for more than a year. I think I need to get real about that. I was winning the fight, and then it slipped, then it fell, then it tumbled right out of sight, and here I am. Still, I'll win this. It's just agonizing while I wait, is all.

I'll probably feel better out in the world later. Coffee is the first plan of attack. I'm so sick of eggs, but I have no decent food in the house for brekkie. Fuck it, toast and cheese it is. My day will improve, my day will improve, my day will improve, my day will improve... Mantra mode: On.