Again Into the Fray

I feel like a failure today. I'll be 33 next month and feel like I should be somewhere much further. I took some different turns in my life, turns that have led me here. I dislike feeling this much like a failure. I know what the problem is -- I'm looking too closely. Almost everyone's complexion is shit if you look too close. For proper assessments, one should stand somewhere further back, preferably with one eye wide, and one closed.

I know I've been through some intense shit in my life, and I've overcome some crazy fucking challenges, ones that would leave lesser people as a shell, but NONE of them have been professional. Therefore, it's all HELD ME BACK professionally, and I'm nowhere near where I expected myself to be. I have some serious fucking catch-up to do. 40's less than a decade from now, and I want to be closer to a dream by then. When life comes down and you can say, "YEAH, man, I took EVERYTHING you threw at me... and THEN I conquered professionally," well, you're the cat's ass then, aren't you? I wanna be the cat's ass. No matter how STUCK I feel like I am, I still feel like I *can* be the cat's ass, too.

I'm frustrated by my job, by what I earn, by my lack of promise. I'm frustrated at the lack of visible proof of just how much I rock.

Sure, I have "the blog," but what the fuck is that, in the scheme of things? My blog's more popular than yours? WHO GIVES A FUCK?

Some guy emails me the other day, "You do more good than you know."

Yeah, maybe I do. So fucking what? Let's have me KNOW it, all right? Right now, I'm not even getting comments. No comments, no professional acclaim, no press. I'm just another underachiever, getting by, and not getting laid. That's it, in a nutshell.

I'm a good person, with a good heart, with good smarts, and a way with words. That's ALL I have to offer right now, is what the world is telling me.

And I'm angry. I'm really angry this morning. For a few reasons, and at some people in my life, and yada, yada.

I'm just frustrated with this feeling. You know what, though? In a few weeks, this feeling will be gone. I KNOW that. I know it more than YOU know. In its place will be the quiet arrogance I know I'll feel once I'm on the other side of these challenges. With a new website I've designed, with a podcast, etc, I know I'll feel ballsy for awhile. I'm just really hating being in the middle of the shitstorm that I know is preceeding that calm. It feels unending. It really does.

Despite how negative the above must sound, I feel like this is the year everything changes for me. I'm hungrier than I've ever been, and I am ANGRY, man. I am the original angry young writer right now, and I'm tired of being this woe-is-me chick I've been feeling like of late, and I feel an explosion coming on. I need to put my money where my mouth is. That's what I need to do.

I'm in the process of making the first part of that come together, too, and then I have another plan after that's on the go.

And I need to remember that no one -- no one -- can sell like I can, *IF* I believe in what I'm selling. Question is, when can I sell the idea that I believe in myself as much as I need to, in order to do what I gots to do? It's hard tackling lifelong insecurities. It's hard to reconcile that yes, I believe in myself, profoundly, and yes, I am so insecure I know what "shaking in my boots" actually feels like.

In short, I'm getting used to working this much. I think nothing is going to slow down on me. I could do with less anger, but (shrug) it's there and it ain't shaking. Whatever. I know what work is cut out for me, and I'm scared, because I know how hard all this is going to be. Angry, and scared. How bad does that duo suck, huh? Somewhere in there is some hope and some belief... thank god. I just need to snowball the latter two and throw a melt on the former two, that's what I got to do.

I need to take this really fucking cool-on-paper chick and make her my front-and-centre. I don't play the role of believing in myself very well these days. Normally, I do. I think it's the depression. Well, rest assured, I'm fighting it as hard as anything I ever have. It's just hard, that's all.