I've Lost a Friend Today

He called me passive-aggressive because of my last posting, and as the morning wears on, I'm realizing how right he was. Not for the reasons he listed, I mean, I didn't want to come off that way, but I understand that I did, and I understand why he feels like he does, but he says we're done, so what I say now probably doesn't matter, and he probaby won't read this.

Which sucks. But there it is.

I'm so fucking human and days like this I just realize even more that I'm in no position to be some guru people tune into for advice. Why do I even bother? Sigh. Yeah, passive-aggressive, and I'm just carrying on the family's legacy. Shit. I was raised with so much passive-aggressiveness that it's a wonder I'm ever not that way. Fuck, I hate it. I wish I could see it coming and could turn it off or ask myself what I'm trying to accomplish... But it just HAPPENS.

Like this morning's thing. Wanna know what happened? I sent out three samples of my stupid podcasting file I liked last week, to three people. I never heard back from any of them. Now, INSTEAD of doing what a NORMAL human being would do, and ask what was up, do you know what I go and do?

I jump to the conclusion that it sucked SO BAD that everyone's avoiding me 'cos they don't have the balls to tell me so. My confidence is SO low right now that I'm just assuming I'm a total loser. I'm not even giving them the chance to say, like in this situation, "Um, no, the file was corrupted, and I've been busy." No, instead, I turn it onto them like they're being the dick.

I don't MEAN to do stupid shit like that. FUCK, man. Do I really, really need to be this flawed? God.

I've always kinda known I'm too aggressive in some ways. I'm so much better than I was, but clearly I'm not done with my work yet and I have a long ways to go. It's easy to think, "Oh, but I'm so much better!" and then forget that you're still on your journey. It's probably why schizophrenics go off their meds and stuff.

I've bungled this so badly. I've probably lost this friend for good. I think he's wrong to have been so bent out of shape, and I'm hurt that so much promise is being tossed on something I perceive to be so trivial, and I wish we could see through to a way to take some time off and each work through the challenges life has for us, and then get together as friends a couple months down the road, share a drink, and reminisce on how fast things have moved in the recent weeks, but I don't know if he'll cool down and let me own up to being a dick.

So, for the moment, I've lost a friend, and I'm sad about my part in it all. Wish it wasn't so. I wish I'd taken more time to think about what he said in his email before I responded in knee-jerk reaction, but I didn't, and now I've defended myself badly and finalized the proceedings.

And I thought my week was off to a better start. How deluded I can be.