Today's Forecast: Dark As Hell

I wrote a bleak, bleak posting an hour or so ago, published it, and five minutes later, took it down. It seemed too dreary and dark and foreboding.

I've since cleaned my dishes and took a look outside. East, there are light to medium-grey clouds, and directly above me are violently black clouds that have cast an ominous midday darkness over my part of the world. Fitting, considering my mood.

I'm just filled with apprehension about everything -- life, love, myself, my future. I'm overwhelmed and I feel as though I'm the Gumby, being stretched in a million directions.

Worse, yet, are these headaches that keep coming back. My eyes feel tight and sore and my head throbs. Light hurts me, and I suppose that's the positive of the dark-as-hell cloud above.

The headaches are compromising all areas of my life -- I don't feel social, I don't feel positive, I don't feel like writing, I don't feel capable of expressing myself, I don't trust my judgment when it comes to sending off professional emails, I don't feel able to "act" as though I feel otherwise.

This bothers me, profoundly. When I say "profoundly," I mean I feel as thought I'm being shook to my core. When you think of yourself as One Thing and that One Thing is something you are physically incapable of being, it's like your compass has no magnetic north anymore, and direction is something that's a vague memory. Who you are is lost to your circumstance, and nothing you do is able to restore normalcy.

Right now, my mind is so muddled from this constant sinus infection that I feel like I'm a shell of who I ought to be. So rare is it that I feel as sharp and mentally alert as I know myself to be capable of being, that I now feel that "sharp" and "alert" person must only be a figment of this scattered imagination.

It's difficult. I find myself becoming increasingly negative, judgmental, and worse, scared. I'm daunted by the littlest thing and I feel pressure from all sides.

I'm apprehensive of everything. I'm apprehensive of a date I have with the Guy tomorrow. I'm apprehensive of my afternoon's duties. I'm apprehensive of having planned to stay in and write tonight. I'm apprehensive of the goals I've set for myself in both short and long-term endeavours. I'm apprehensive all the fucking time. I'm confused, scattered, shaken.

And I know it's not "really" me -- it's this head of mine and the infection within it, but there's little I can do to affect it. "Sinusitis," it sounds so innocuous, really. I'm just reading a page on it now, by a doctor, who says, "When I had sinus infections, I felt like life wasn't worth living any more, between the exhaustion, pain and just feeling miserable. "

Yeah. Ditto, ditto, and ditto. I'm so fucking tired, all the time. I can't express it. I was tired before, but it's getting worse and worse. It just feels like a downward spiral. I can't write, hate working, don't want to go out, just... nothing seems to excite me right now.

There's not a lot I can do about it, either. I have an upcoming appointment with an ear-nose-and-throat specialist, and when that occurs, I'll have a better idea of where I stand. For now, I worry that it's compromising my quality of life to too great an extent, and now a depression is setting in which I fear I may be unable to shake.

I'm realizing how important it is I stay hydrated to the max, 24/7. Apparently letting your nose and throat dry out can make the situation deterioriate, or at least prohibit improvement. I'll keep doing what I'm doing, keep struggling to stay up, but there's only so much struggle each of us has within us, and some days it just breaks.

At least I know what the problem is, finally. I know it's probably not going to continue past the next couple of months, but two months away can seem like a lifetime when every day tends to be a struggle.

Blah. I've been through tougher things. I'm a survivor, and I know it. I'm just having a moment of weakness.

Onto more important things. I've found out that all my links are fucked on my other blog, and I'm trying to figure it the fuck out. Sigh. I have no idea what's up with that, but my archives are VERY important to me, especially since I've taken the time to piece it up into relevant topics for the masses. Sigh. More to fix. Sigh. Off I go! I'll figure it ALL the hell out. I always do.