Conundrum: Thinking Out Loud Again

Wow, weird.

I have to decide how to proceed, and I need to do a few things on Monday. It turns out my employers are breaking the law, and I have legal grounds to quit. Or so it would seem. I'm doing some investigating, which I'd been putting off for too long, on what my options are for leaving my job.

I think it not only looks like I'm entitled to employment insurance legally, but also for 5 weeks of severence, if I quit.

But now, a conundrum. I have an absolutely glowing recommendation from this job. The woman would sell me to anyone. The question now is, do I potentially burn that bridge to get what I want?

It's not just a matter of torching a letter of recommendation or a glowing reference, nor is it a matter of ethical conundrum (they're good people, they didn't mean to shaft me)...

It's complicated. One, I let them know I wasn't planning on returning. I've made no secrets on that count, they know I was unhappy and that I had 1.5 feet out the door. Two, I was on "stress leave" at the time and can probably play the "but I wasn't thinking straight" card. Three, what's the dollar value of a recommendation/referral? How does a personality offset that value? Four, would my employers play hardball? I bet they would.

(The law they're breaking: They have changed my hours without putting anything in writing. During this duration of time that I've been back, I've worked a few weeks that constitute the legal definition of "lay-off" which means they have, in effect, terminated me, despite continuing to have me around for their convenience when the need arises. Illegal, apparently. And rightly so.)

But finally, in the cosmic scheme of things, with a couple little signs I've had lately, I think there is no greater time for me to take the chance to cash in on a dream or two. This feels like my time. Like my momentum's building. Is this the challenge I need to face in order to stake my claim on what pursuing this dream of mine is worth to me?

I don't know if you've ever read the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo. I was talking with this guy on Wednesday about "signs" and how following and reading them can change your life. I totally should've mentioned this book then, but it slipped my mind, despite being on the chair opposite me.

Coehlo's book -- one of my all-time favourites, despite its simplicity -- is a fable about a young Spanish shepherd who has a dream and decides to take the chance of pursuing it. It's about reading the signs and coincidences that come up around us, and learning how to use those to better our situation and move towards our dreams. In it, the boy is told, "Look, if you believe in your dream, you must give me 10% of what you own, and I'll show you how to reach your dream."

The conundrum for the boy is, and this is what he ponders, does this dream -- a dream that may never transpire, may never conclude the way I wish it to -- does the idea of this dream mean so much for me that I'm willing to put this all on the line in order to take the risk of getting all that I dream?

I knew I'd have to do a few things, jump through some hoops, in order to achieve what I want. I need this time, I need to quit work, I need to follow my hopes in spite of all these fucking cynics who say, "Yeah, but..."

Yeah, but it's what I want. It's what I need to do. I've got to fucking know. Can I do it? Can I take this chance and do something utterly risky and provocative and unique and get my work out there? Inside, you know what? I think I can. I gotta. I think I can come out of this on the right side of things.

I have never, ever felt something this strong, wanted something as much as I want this. It's fucking consuming me.

If I quit, cite the Employment Standards section that they're in contravention of, I'm entitled to 5 weeks' pay, which is more than I could've thought I'd be getting for QUITTING, and that would pay not only for the entire project I have planned, but maybe a week away somewhere.

But I would hurt people I have come to know and love, I think. I don't know if there's a way I can cite the standards section without having it come down hard on them. I would need to have a way to make them understand that, for me, that's a lot of money right now and it's a dream coming true on paper.

I'm stuck in this conundrum of knowing that there has never, ever been a time where I have needed to put myself before everyone and everything else than this day, now, and knowing that I might possibly shoot myself in the foot when it comes to betraying a trust I've had with some really good people. I don't know how it will play out. I don't know if there's something I can do to make it all work in a way that allows me what I want and allows my ethics and heartstrings to stay intact.

I do hate having to do anything to hurt anyone, but sometimes it's the only way out, right?

Let me say this: I'm sick of the skeptics and cynics who seem to raise their brows curiously at the notion of me spending six months with an innovative plan to get my writing out there. They tell me how hard it is, how long a road it is. Yeah, well. I didn't fall out of the dream tree with my eyes closed, wishing for pigs in flight and a layer of frost in hell or anything. I have a realistic, constructive, innovative idea. I have desire. I have ambition. And some days, I even have a little talent. My balls are on the table. I'm different. I have to believe that. I have to believe that every now and then someone like me -- with dreams like mine, and confidence like mine, and a willingness to jump without a net -- someone like me does it. They get it. They do it. It all works.

Yep. Call it whatever the fuck you want. Naivete. Foolishness. Pie-in-the-sky.

I call it a plan, Stan. I call it a six-month adventure that'll make me stronger, more creative, and maybe help me make a few connections. Or a six-month road to everything I've ever wanted. Either way, sounds like a trip. Count me in. Pack my bags. I'm off like a prom dress.

But first, to decide how to proceed. Monday, I'll investigate, get some more ducks in a row, and see where that leads. Tuesday, I'll maybe have a decision made. By Friday, I hope to have quit.

Meanwhile: Parasailers en masse off Spanish Banks on Wednesday.