Sombre Thoughts On The Friday Fly

I'm getting grumpy. It's one of those days. I lost one ESL client last night, another tonight. It all adds up. Strangely, last week I was wishing for more time off this week. Now I've got it, and I'm grumpy. I guess the cosmos agrees, I need a mental break. I just don't know how to take one right now. Financial need versus emotional, versus mental, versus physical, none of it computes.

I'm kinda tired and grumpy, but it's a dreary day. I was going to go for a ride this morning, but it's colder than I want it to be, and I'm deflated. I've been bouncing on my balance ball, and I call that enough exercise.

I've got to have a snack, then I'll leave earlier than I'd planned for tutoring, since it's such a short day now, just two hours. Then I can get out earlier and maybe take some dreary-weather shots of Granville Island before I buy fruits and veggies and maybe a side of protein for dinner tonight. I think I'll come home, tidy up, and prepare a thoughtful dinner for myself. I haven't done that lately, and I really think it's important sometimes. Cooking can be as creative as anything, and when we get into food ruts, it's kind of indicative of ruts in other areas of our lives, as well.

But, yeah, the "go" button's fizzing out on me. I think I need some time to myself, some time from the world. I can only imagine me on some stormy beach, wandering and thinking. How blissfull that'd be. Wind roaring, waves crashing, the chaos slowly getting so loud and real that you have to decide the noise inside your head isn't nearly as bad as you thought it might've been. That's what I love about the surf. And then, there's this realization that these chaotic, punishing waves aren't just that... they're rhythmic and they swell and fall in this not-too-perfect assigned-by-nature kind of cadence.

It's easier to remember that it's sort of the same in real life, when you're standing and staring at that sea of fury. Moments of calm, false lulls, furious lashing storms, deceptive surfaces over dangerous undertows, and some days, glass-smooth peace. Life comes with it all.

Living here in Vancouver, though, it's easy for me to look at the sea and think it all looks so smooth. A protected harbour, whitecaps mean maybe a two-foot wave when there's 100-klick winds. It's only when I get over to the island or down the coast that I remember the bitch for what she is, and I realize that the more unstable and surprising she is, the more I love her. Kinda like life, too. I bore easily, really. But I'd just love a little boredom right now. Sadly every day lately seems to have at least a little time being stolen by someone or something. I want a block of time that's all mine. Three days, four. Not a lot. Just a little, for now.

Today, I feel weary to the bone, and I dislike this feeling. It is ill-suited to me. It makes sense, though, and that's the sad thing. Anyhow, I'll leave early. A walk by a soon-to-be less-glassy harbour might indulge my edgy sentiments later this afternoon. For now, a snack, then a nice oily hot bath to relax me before I head out in that cruel, cool world.

(Monday is my only entire day off this week. That day, I'm using to put up some ads for my language services in my hood. Self-employment is cruel at times.)

(I think I was just spammed by a cynical Yoda. The email address was "nobody@mail.ru." What, a statement from the cosmos there, too? DELETE. Heh.)