it's my party and i'll cry if i want to

and i don't wanna.

party’s over, kids.
i’m a wanted woman.

i go back to work next wednesday. the office was slammed with work about three days after i was laid off. why it took this long to ask me to return is sort of a mystery. but it’s been just enough time to do this article and will be just enough time to get my photo show running.

i’m not a religious person. i’m spiritual, but not in a new-agey i’m-with-yanni kind of way. i’ve had enough shit go down in my life that i can’t help but believe it all transpires for a reason.

i’m not sure how “aware” other people are when they go through life, but being big on both writing and photography, i’m naturally disposed to notice and absorb a lot of what goes down.

i’ve got a scientific mind, too. in an abstract way. i’ve never pursued any kind of scientific discipline, and never will. what it means for me is that i’m really good at noticing patterns in things, in happenings, in people.

it’s not really something i talk about because it means nothing to anyone but me. how it works is that i usually notice all these strange little patterns or probabilities with life. i enjoy looking for pattern. i love finding unlikely order in the middle of chaos. it’s why i take pictures of shit like rebar, or tire tracks in sand, and it’s why my photos seem to have lines of interest in ‘em.

it’s where my obsessive-compulsiveness comes in. i’m fortunate, i have outlets for it.

so, it should come as no surprise that i have noticed a pattern of uncanny coincidences that have led me to conclude that my recent bout of unemployment was not so much misfortune as it was a serendipitous confluence of events.

serendipity: noun the happening upon good fortune

i panicked the first day i was out of work, but then i got my ducks in a row. i had a little cash squirrelled and it put my ass in a sling for rent, and then i took a chance on something i wanted.

let’s face it, i’m a total pussy. i’m strong when i gotta be, but if i can get by on just gettin’ by, sometimes that path of least resistence is a pretty attractive lookin’ mofo.

now that i’m heading back to work, let me just say one thing. it was on one condition.

(after all, i’m entitled to 50 fucking weeks of employment insurance. why not just say fuck it, i need a vacation? why? work ethic, man. my folks raised me right. in a socialist system, for it to work, the net’s gotta be used only when necessary. some folks need it more than others. if you take the system for a ride, you gotta ask yourself if your morals are in the right place. i’m just saying.)

the condition? i want a little more of the ride. i want one more week off, to finish what i got started. my photo show and this article, they’re getting done. then i’ll do the man’s thing--for a bit.

see, the government up here treats us better than they used to. they’ve tightened up some aspects of unemployment insurance, but they’ve improved others. specifically in this way: they’ve begun a program that will teach “arts-related contractors” self-employment techniques geared to success.

in english? they teach writers, painters, photographers, anyone employed in the arts, ways to value their skills, put a price on what they do, and how to sell it and make a living off it, and what you need to know about taxes and legalities to make it work.

i’m on a wait list for the program for august. if my name comes up, my employer’s agreed to “dry up” on work for the month and let me take it.

so how does all this tie in with my little babbling about patterns and all? pretty simply. when things start colliding in a way that makes a door crack open for you, you gotta fuckin’ jump through that crack. it’s the way the world works. but if you’re half-asleep through life, you ain’t gonna see that opportunity.

is this the start of something great for me? who fucking knows. let’s hope. all i know is, some strange coincidences done tumbled out of late, and either it’s just a weird little world or else i’ve happened upon a little forward momentum.

i figure, let’s ride this wave and see when it breaks.