A Letter to Mr. Leafblower

Dear Mr. Leafblower--

I remember fondly a time when you'd see the men in the neighbourhood leaning on their rakes and brooms, shooting the breeze about the latest Packers game or that lying son of a bitch and the State of the Union address.

But not anymore. You're the new generation, aren't you?

Here I sit, more than three stories up, and a massive cloud of dust blows past my apartment every couple of minutes because you're "cleaning" the back alley with your leafblower.

I agree, leafblowers work great with leaves, but why are you using it to move dirt and dust? Back in the day, we had these things called "vacuums" that did the weirdest thing: Not only did they remove dirt, they also contained the dirt.

But no. You're a guy with a toy and you're having fun with your little blower thingie. Lemme know when you'll be swinging by to dust all the shit I'd cleaned on Sunday that's already covered with well-travelled, three-storey-climbing dust again after your little "cleaning" session.

The worst part of the blowers is the constant whining whir emitted by the freakin' things. Is it really too much to ask that I can procrastinate against going to work by lazing around with my coffee and watching The Daily Show without that noise? I like the low hum emitted by a bustling world.

But a world without your leafblower is my preference.

-A scribe named Steff.