Ga-Ga for GayBoy: A Beginner's Guide

Maybe you don’t know who GayBoy is. Let’s hope we can fix that for you. He's being kind and helping the Drag Queen get his/her ears dressed again in the Pride Parade. (That's a rainbow GB has on his head, btw.)

GayBoy’s like me in that we’ve known each other for 13 years and we still surprise each other, and often. And despite still surprising each other all the time, we know each other better than anyone else knows us. And it’s always, always a good time. And nobody but nobody can keep up with us. We is trouble.

There are three primary posts you can check out to get an introduction to GayBoy, and they are, in order of how you should read them and with clickable links:

Hurray for GayBoy!
Tricks and Coffee
The Velvet Pedophile

So here’s what we’ll do: A list. Now, this isn’t one of those “100 things you don’t know about me” lists you’re seeing on every second blog. Who really needs 100 trivial facts?

* * *

GayBoy works at Starbucks. He also has bartended, bounced, and bussed in a couple main bars here in town, the last being a gay bar where he spent the last year primarily being beefy Mr. Bouncerman at the doors, for which I made him a t-shirt that reads, “Breakfast Included.”

GayBoy will be 31 in three weeks.

He punctuated his years in the bars with two trips half-way across Canada, where he stopped at every medium and large sized town between here and Thunder Bay, Ontario, (that means about 10,000 kilometres, or more) driving a cube van full of the top-of-the-line motorcycles being brought out by Honda Canada in each of those summers. He’d stop in the towns and lead group rides for customers looking to test-ride the hot new bikes.

GayBoy’s an Egg. This means he’s white on the outside and yellow on the inside. If you rifle through his kitchen, it’s all Asian food. Or white trash food with an upscale twist.

He’s also a rice queen. He digs Asian men. He’s in that strange position of seeing a younger man who has more money than him, and who spends wildly on him. I asked GayBoy what we should call him. If he’s not older, he can’t be a SugarDaddy. GayBoy thought about it: “SugarSonny.” (Should I change LuvverBoy’s moniker to SugarSonny?)

GayBoy is very politically incorrect. But he’s also very, very political.

He is often quoteable. He’ll say things like, “I’m not racist. I own a colour TV.” When a guy who looked hot comin’, but you’re glad to see goin’ passes us by, GayBoy will sputter, “Good from afar, but far from good.” And sadly, I'm drawing a blank right now.

GayBoy is a lush. He will drink anything. He loves expensive scotch. He loves tequila. He was reared on Southern Comfort. When he was in his hardcore Hunter S. Thompson phase, he even drank Wild Turkey. Beer, though, is the liquid that courses through his veins.

When he was in Vegas once, he saw Tom Jones live from the front row, for which he wore his caramel-coloured corduroy suit. Yes, it has suede elbow patches.

GayBoy once gave me a fishbowl with itty-bitty fishies for Christmas once. That didn’t work out too well. It’s all right, they got the three-flush salute.

He owns the limited edition of every Disney DVD that has yet been released. He’s so fucking gay. (But he didn’t come out until he was 25. He fucking made up for THAT in a hurry. The Disney should've been a sign! I'll have you know, none of us suspected he was gay when he was "straight." But the fact that he knew how to set a table for company should've been a sign. That and the fact that he owned a cheese knife.)

GayBoy and I dream of an impromptu trip to LA for a taping of The Price is Right followed by accosting mascots at Disneyland.

GayBoy harrasses a salesman named Jay who sold him his cellphone. Every time GayBoy walks past the booth in the mall (which he goes out of his way to do) he’ll lean seductively on the counter and eyeball Jay. “Still straight, Jay?” “Oh, Jaaaaay...” We know for a fact that Jay's coworkers now taunt him.

* * *

Anyhow. There’s your introduction to my best friend, GayBoy.

Now, GayBoy will have hilarious and off-colour responses to any questions you can post. Include 'em in the comments here, if you like. We will do the answering on Monday night.

ED NOTE: GayBoy just called to say he'd answered a few questions of Hermes' in this earlier posting. Click here.

GayBoy wanted me to add
two more of his regular sayings:

"I'm on it like Oprah on a ham."
"I hate to see you go,
but I love to watch you leave."

And he likes this one,
but it's kinda middling for me:
"You're a 2 at 10:00, and a 10 at 2:00."