pissing and moaning and pondering and reporting

i really, really, really do not want to bike to work today. i don't. i'm done. i don't have the gas.

but i secretly know i do. i know this is part of the head game. i know my mind's fucking with me. i know i can make that hill my bitch. i know i can do it in 40 minutes or less. i know i contribute the same hard ride every fucking time out of the gate, and i know i don't even take breaks on the route there or home anymore.

it doesn't mean i want to do it. but it's like they say, knowing's half the battle. like a friend said, "you gotta get to work anyhow, might as well do it in style".

i think the mental conditioning of athletics is far harder than any course you can attempt. it ain't the course that beats us, it's our head. i mean, you consider something like that guy pinned under the boulder in the rockies a couple years back, he had to hack his own arm off with a knife and then hike for hours (days?) to get out of the barren desert area to find help for himself. any one of dozens of variables could have mentally told him "give up, hope's lost" but he found that unnameable drive that forced him to save himself.

there's that demon we lock ourselves in a room with, mentally, when the going gets tough and the fight needs to rise. either we outsmart it, or it outsmarts us.

every time some car's waiting for me to get up a hill and i somehow find that extra jump to take it up a couple notches, or i somehow start sprinting for the fuck of it after a couple of blocks of groaning and lagging, i remind myself that i had the gas to do it this time, so this "can't" bullshit's often just another trip getting laid on me that i'm believin' when i shouldn't.

but this is the part of it that i hate, the morning dose of "i don't wanna" and the inner dialogue that goes with. it's so hard to shout down on some days. fuck of a lot easier to do so when it's 22 and sunny, though.

i'm going to try real damn hard to motivate myself to do it tomorrow, too, but i'd need to be on the road by 8 and the chances of that are similar to opening a Baskin-Robbin's in hell.

ay yi yi.

well, i have my new energy drug for cycling, though. starbucks has a new protein shake -- banana-chocolate, which is similar to one i do at home with yogurt, soy milk, chocolate, banana, but i add peanut butter for that extra whump. starbucks' drink, the vivanno, has 16 gr protein, 5 gr fat, and 5 gr fibre, so it's a pretty awesome energy jump, for 270 calories with about 40 calories from fat. all in all? great choice, better than most. mine's better, tho.

to make it at home:
1/2 c plain or vanilla yogurt
2 tbsp chocolate syrup [ie hershey's]
2 tbsp peanut butter
1 banana
1 cup choco soy milk.

blend till happy. drink till happy.

so, on the upside of things, it looks like my digestive system is sorting out. i've had bad things happening for about a month now, and i think it's because i'm developing a sensitivity to wheat, particularly white bread. i've switched to a flourless bread, Squirrelly Bread from Silver Hills, and my system's settling down rapidly. i've felt like i've had gut-rot for a month, but chatting with my doc, he and i thought maybe nixing the white flour for a while and taking a fibre supplement for a bit would help strengthen my system after perhaps an excess of wheat of late. no drugs, just better fibre choices, is all. smart guy, my doc.

also, boldly proceeding to dechemicalise my life. the weening off of antidepressants began a couple days ago. two weeks from now, i'll be done and off. i just wanted to reduce from 30mg to 15mg for the next several months.

my doc said, "just quit it now. take 'em for a month, then stop completely." i began to say 'but--' and he continued. "depressed people don't lose 40+ pounds with no professional help, no gym membership, and no eating disorders. i think you're doing fine. have a little faith."

so, you gotta dig a doc like that. i sure do. so, i'm hesitant yet keen. i would rather they be out of my system, for sure. i needed them, i really did. they probably came close to saving my life but definitely my sanity two years ago, and when i increased them last summer, it was then i found the focus and drive to change my life. i needed them. i think i don't anymore. maybe a bit. but maybe not enough to warrant the price i pay.

after all, they affect a few things -- they reduce salivation and make you more susceptible to cavities, they cause water weight gain, they make me less of a morning person. stuff like that. it'll be nice. i'm a little scared. it's easy to say "yeah, well, they help so much" and all, but...

it's time to go it alone again and just keep a good keel on things. it's just time. pretty exciting stuff.

bah. fuckety-fuck fuck. time to do a little stretching, shower, get the funk out, and cycle to work. aim to arrive noonish again since all my projects are coming in "late" today and tomorrow, so it works out a little better to start late today. tomorrow's going to be an early one. some drama about getting the floors completely replaced on the weekend. eek. we'll hope the workstations are reassembled right, but... eek.

groan. cycling mode activated. i think i can, i think i can, i know i can...