For you, the dress code is casual.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Oh, my fucking god. If Mother Nature were to stand before me today, I'd slap her. Yeah, I'd haul off and belt 'er one.

This spring? What a fucking joke. Lousiest goddamned weather I've ever seen in Vancouver for a spring. Just dreary and, even when it is nice, it's 5 degrees too cold, at a minimum. I still have to close my windows at night! This is just wrong.

Tomorrow, though, reprieve. A heat wave begins. Four days. And I have five days off. My fucking third eye's working just fine, baby. Booked the right two days off at the right time, and shazam. I get me a heat wave. Brilliant, ain't I?

But Mother Nature still deserves a slap. Today, anyhow. Ask me again tomorrow and I'll want to shower her with kisses, I imagine.

I tell ya, though, if anyone deserves five days off with a heat wave, you are lookin' at her, baby.

I have been holding on to what little motivation I've had with a fucking death grip. I've been hoping, praying, wishing that I can just motivate myself three or four times a week, that's all, so I can stay on this path to a thinner, healthier Steff.... and it has been a HARD struggle when the weather's so fucking not cooperating!

Sunny and 20? I'd feel too guilty to not cycle! I've pretty much warned all my friends that, right now, fitness comes first, so if I, on a whim, choose to cycle or something, I may well cancel or postpone plans as a result.

Right now I have to work harder, longer, and more often, because I'm losing weight. 31 pounds. That's right, baby. A few months from now I'll move from the losing to the maintaining stage, and life will simplify a bit. Right now my priorities are where I feel they really need to be.

But it's just fucking HARD and DEPRESSING when the weather never inspires me. All I want is a little cooperation, you know? And not just for the next four days.

See, another 4-6 weeks and my work will be busy as hell again, and I won't have as much time on my hands. Right now, I'm READY and WILLING to push it for all it's worth. And where's Mother Nature been?

But you know what? I still done good. I've been getting it done for the last while even though I've felt like sobbing some days when I'm trying to fucking motivate myself. So, there's that. I'm very proud and content with what I've gotten done of late. I'm just done with trying to dial things up from the inside.

So, the heat wave, really, it's coming at the perfect time. I'm just about at the end of my rope. I'm angry and pissed. I've lost 31 pounds but I want, no, NEED a little help now. I want to enjoy myself and soak up the sun and be warm and happy.

Tomorrow, I'm hitting up the stairs in the morning, 'cos they'll get too hot in the heatwave, and then I'll do a cycling trip in the evening, but nothing major, maybe 15km. Total, about 2 hours of decent activity. I have two 30-km trips planned on the weekend, and might get out a bit on Friday too. Tonight'll mean some dancing with the Kills' gig I'm attending, but it'll be a bitch on my calves and achilles. Ooh.

I did the stairs yesterday and it really kicked my ass! I'm sore today. All over. I think I didn't realize how much more gruelling it is, hiking up 25 or so floors with all this weight, versus cycling, so now I'm keen to have a plan that includes them both. Also, the stairs perked me up a bit yesterday as I realized I'll have that to get me through the shitty winter next year, so when I can't cycle, climbing 45 floors (which is my goal by September, to be able to do 45 floors... I started at 10, have managed 27, and tomorrow will try 30!) will certainly work in its place.

Plus, I've now lost enough weight that I can feel the bones in my bum. Ha! Trust me, it's been heavily padded for 20 years. This is new.

Sigh. I just find this whole weight loss journey to be really emotionally hard some days. Yesterday and today are sort of me reaching my breaking point in finding the will to power from within. The weather's the main problem right now. I've never been able to be this motivated in weather like we've been having. That I've managed as much as I have will probably wind up really impressing me down the line, but I'm too tired to care right now. Too fed up and frustrated.

Feed me, Mr. Sun. Feed me. Sigh. 24 more hours and that's exactly what will happen. I'm looking forward more to a hot day than I am this concert tonight I've been wanting to see for a good long time. That's just weird.

Anyhow, time to jam for the jobbie. Wound up staying downtown an hour extra last night to sell a ticket to someone, so I get to start at noon today. Sweet! More time to piss and moan before the job. Snicker. Ah, got it out of my system, so now I can go be bubbly at work.