February Sucks Ass: More Reasons for the Suckage

Have I mentioned that I hate February? Oh, how I hate February. Today's one of two great reasons why. Two of three big "mom" related anniversaries fall this month, and this is the shitty one. Next week's her birthday and I'll celebrate that day in her memory, but today's the day I found out she had a rare cancer, and I'm just in a shitty mood.

It's pretty infrequent now that I miss her big like this and it makes me feel like shit, but it's happening today. It'll probably happen only a dozen times this year, maybe not even, but... it's happening today. I'm having trouble shaking it, but whatever.

It'll go away tonight or tomorrow and life will be peachy again.

I think part of it, too, is that all this crap I'm mired in -- trying to reorganize, trading someone for new furniture, planning my decorating -- is the kind of stuff we absolutely loved to talk about together, and even do together. I even have a "style" scrapbook she and I started together with paint colours and magazine photos that inspired us both decor-wise.

Add to that that I've been tossing little things that remind me of her, and I guess it all computes that I would indeed have a day like today at some point.

At least I got up and did my little 16-floor ascent down the street for a little workout. That helps. Tonight I'll pick myself up some Spicy Peanut for dindin and a bottle of wine, keep to myself with some television and housecleaning before the epic Truck Rental and Furniture Acquisition and Box Dispersal Day I've got planned tomorrow. Sunday I think the plan is to revel in exhaustion as I try to get more done.

Yeah, I think my mom would really enjoy hearing about all my homestead plans right now. And she'd be happy. Really happy. And she'd be free labour for painting so long as I bribed her with homemade bread, toasted with butter and a wedge of cheese, and coffee. That'd be all the pay I'd need. And we'd have a blast.

And, the weird thing is, just knowing that somehow makes the pain of missing her a little better. And a little worse.

The human heart's a fucking weird beast, man.

Anyhow, it's Friday, and I'm just feeling pissy. The weather's surely not helping. The sunshine this weekend will be awesome, and with a 10-degree sunny Sunday forecasted, I'm thinkin' I dust off the bike and take in the outdoors a little.

I know I'll shake this mood tonight, so I'm not fighting it. Embrace the pissiness. Sometimes it's necessary. Besides, with Spicy Peanut and a Chilean Syrah, I will be a blissed-out work-laden recluse. Mother would approve. :)