an unemployed insomniac ramble

in the blink of a sleepless eye, another five minutes has passed.

insomnia has struck, mercilessly. so too has the quesadilla from many hours ago, and the pepto bismol's yet to kick in. worries plague me. this lack of control over my life, my glaring unhappiness with my present, the tease of what might lie ahead but, as yet, does not.

i can't afford to be sleepless; not this weekend. not now. i need this. in just over two hours, the sun will breach the horizon, and warm light will filter across the city. if i've not fallen asleep by then, i'll take a sunrise ride. i used to do that a lot, back in the late nineties. i'd get up at 4:00am, hop on my bicycle, cycle down around stanley park, through spiderweb after spiderweb that'd been spun during the night, proof that no fool had been up earlier than i. i'd close things off with a breakfast of mojo fries, eggs, crispy bacon, and multigrain toast at Hamburger Mary's (who sinfully no longer serve mojos; the fuckers) and then i'd head back home, and die a good death.

i don't think i'll do as hardcore a bikeride as i'd like to do. i can't afford the risk of Stupid Shit coming down, and fucking myself out of what could be a temporary dream job.

so much for Rocky. i was going to get inspired by one of the all-time most inspirational movies, but found Trainspotting on. i started thinking, 'hey, now all's i need is to find me a heroin deal that nets me an 8x return on my investment. wickid.'

unfortunately, once a catholic, always a catholic, and i can't do such things. hell, i don't even know if i have it in me to take a shit job and fuck someone over as soon as a "good" job comes along. i'm just built too ethically. but, i tell ya, if ever the self-preservation mode was to kick in, now's the bloody time.

god, i'm frustrated. nothing in my life is working as i wish it would. i'm on the verge with so many things. the potential of a good relationship, yet not quite there. the potential of losing much more weight, but no energy to do the exercising even though i'm eating better. the potential for insanely good jobs, but still not in the know. the potential to be launching a podcast, but too much other shit has reared its ugly head.

it's like the cosmos is pointing and laughing, saying, "you! limbo! until we sez you're done! hardy-har-har." fuck you, cosmos. bring me my check, man, i'm done like dinner.

you know, i've been through things, man. i spent my entire childhood sick, reading. it's why i feel so in touch with words. they saved me when no one else could. i spent every friday morning at the hospital, getting blood drawn, hoping this time the tests would tell what was wrong with me. in grade four, my kidney began to fail. i was checked into Children's Hospital. my kidney was about to come out when they discovered that there was an outside chance Bactrim could put me into remission. i stayed there three weeks.

during the stay, my roommate died of lung cancer in the night. a couple other kids died, too, that i'd been hanging with. i was staying on the cancer ward. let me tell you what fucks you up in grade four, man. understanding death, is what.

i nearly failed grade four, but passed on trial given my medical circumstances, and in grade five, my classmate sam died of leukemia. the next year, i won the first year's award in his name for most improved student when i was getting A's after nearly flunking 18 months prior.

i dealt with my parent's divorce by way of being my mother's shrink. she dumped everything on me, and it really fucked me up and spiralled me into depression. then she sunk into a worse depression. i've never yet written about the day she attempted suicide after a fight with me... i lunged across the room and punched her across the face to make her spit out the mouthful of sleeping pills. she lived, forgot she attempted suicide, but i never did. i spent the next couple years freaking out every time she left the house and came home late. being in real estate, that happened a lot.

i was in a bad seven year relationship i don't want to talk about.

i was thrown from a horse mid-jump and fell down a flight of stairs, all in the same 6 week period, things i think i've never fully gotten over, since i need to visit the chiropractor monthly.

there's the dead-mom thing, the four serious vehicle accidents in a decade thing, the three blown knees in 16 months thing, the migraines daily for 8 months thing, and more.

and i don't know what it is, why i still have this thing down inside me that tells me life is worth living, it's worth this adversity, it's worth this struggle, this pain, this angst, this everything. it's just worth it all.

when you see the sun breaking over the mountains, or hear the crash of a wave, or wake up in the arms of someone you care about, or eat something amazing for the first time, or see an incredible sweaty live gig, or have that random moment of perfection hit you for absolutely no reason, you simply know all that other shit was worth it if only for this.

and it's that crave, that love of life that makes days like this so intolerably painful. i just long for a great sensation. i want to feel that bubbly feeling that comes when a genuine smile spreads across my lips or a mirthful giggle builds belly-up. it's like it fills the whole body sometimes.

and i realize now that it's been a long, long time coming. i've had moments, but they've been fleeting.

but i can't escape this feeling that i've earned satisfaction. i deserve happiness. and i feel like my debt's about paid, and soon, very soon, i should reap some of the rewards. i won't allow any less. i'm tired of coasting through life. i'm tired of "protecting" myself from hurts by not taking risks, only to live an underwhelming life day in and day out, a life i know i'm so much better than.

ah, sigh. a ramble, this.

i'm the kind of person that looks for symbolism in my life. i found it interesting that i should lose all my sunglasses in the year i've been unemployed. yes, "all." two clip-ons, and the actual pair of shades themselves. the thing you need to know about me is this: i don't lose shit. i don't. i've never EVER lost a hearing aid, and i'm 32. i've never lost my keys. i mean, i missplace things from time to time, but actually lose them? i lost shades in a gig with 15,000 people once and had 'em returned to me. yup, unscathed.

but i was thinking, what kind of symbolism could it be, losing all my glasses, and particularly my rose-coloured shades last? maybe, i thought, it was time to take a good, clear fucking look at my life. maybe i had to start seeing things as they are, not what i want them to be or hope them to be, but what they are.

i'm really, really hoping this is my week. this is the week i find a job that makes me feel a tad more complete. and then july 4th would be my first day at work. independence day. my independence. and not just financially, but emotionally. i'd finally know that i really, truly, honestly, don't need another fucking soul in my life. when i get a job, it will have been all my doing. period. no help from anyone. no legs up. no "i know someone" moments of patronage. me, my smarts, my dedication, my thoroughness, and most importantly, my resilience.

i was at my chiro's the other day, getting adjusted, telling her all my shit, and she just shrugged. "you'll be fine," she said. "you're the definition of resilience. the shit i've seen you go through, girl... next time i see you, you'll be working full time in a job you enjoy. i know it, and i'm not concerned. resilient."

and it annoyed the shit out of me, to tell you the truth. i'm sick of everyone around me being so blase about this. "you'll be fine." uh-huh. right. i'm hoping so, but right now, it ain't feeling so fine.

it's weird, though, 'cos i have the OhSHITS, but i also have the INtheBAGS, too. i know what's inside of me, and the determination... whew. it's just sucking to have to prove it, that's all.

and it's sucking to not be sleeping, but maybe now i will. yawn. let's hope.