sunday morning, thoughts on writing

a couple of my all-time favourite movies on writing are State & Main and The Wonder Boys. i'm watching the latter now, and i love how the last shot of the movie is that of Michael Douglas hitting 'save' in the file menu for his document.

there's something about 'saving' work. for me, after such an extended period of writer's block, six years of hell, i feel grateful every time i turn out something i can respect at the end. hitting 'save', for me, sometimes feels like salvation.

i'm not a religious person, i'm possibly spiritual, but i do know the thing that makes me feel most whole and feel most like i belong in this world is the act of writing, of writing well. the latter, 'writing well', isn't exactly something i feel visits me as often as i'd like.

i'm only now embarking on my attempts to be a 'real' writer. i have to get an article in to a major mag this week, and if it's accepted, it'll be my first piece in a periodical with international distribution. as far as periodicals go, it's one i never thought i'd be in and one that leaves me amused at the idea. such is life.

as far as embarking on a career goes, i'm somewhat older than i thought i'd be. i'm 32, and comparatively, old compared to all the idealistic writers out there. sure, maybe. it doesn't faze me. i feel young in many ways, and that's not something that'll be leaving me any time soon. as far as the average age of first-time novellists go, that's the magic number of 34. when it comes to magazines, people tend to start a little younger than i am.

but Wonder Boys conjures some interesting thoughts for me, and i suppose it's why i love the film so much, even though i'd give it 3.5 out of 5 as a rating. it "speaks" to me, as cheesy as that might sound. it's about one-hit-wonders, people who conjure a one-time act of brilliance and then have to spend years figuring out how the hell they conjured it in the first place.

when it comes to writing, music, film, etc, it's easy to peak early, to have those moments of brilliance and find a way to put it out in the world. it's harder to know where it came from, and infinitely harder still to know how to tap into it on demand. there are times when i reflect on those blocked years and my stomach knots up and a fear rises in the back of my mind like bile tickles your throat. if it should ever happen to me again, i don't know what i'd do.

and then there are times when i think that the block - all those years, that struggle, the frustration, the hatred, the loss of who and what i was - is quite possibly the best thing that ever happened to me. i appreciate writing now, how important it is to me, and indeed, how much of me it truly represents. i appreciate the effort it needs, the dedication and relentless passion it requires, and how absolutely trying it can sometimes be. yet i love it.

my block has made me reticent about pursuing my dreams in the public forum, not because i don't believe i'm any good. i can't explain it, but i know somewhere deep, down inside i am good, and maybe not on a purely technical scale, but if writing is truth, then yes, i'm accomplished. i've pursued my own truth diligently for the past few years and i've learned to lay it down on the page. it's been hard, but if that's what writing is, then there i go. but the reticence comes more from a realization that if i go too soon into that mad circus, i'll simply become what they want me to be. the longer i hold out, the further i take this journey of the self, the more true to my own style and values i'll be when i finally get out there in the world.

and i'm getting there now. i'm growing stronger inside and out. mentally, i'm on the ball. stylistically, i know what i like. confidence isn't quite what it needs to be, but they tell me that's the thing that comes with taking chances and finding reward, and i've not taken chances, nor found reward.

well, i took a chance with my other blog. the meter clicked last night. i hit my 300,000th hit, and just since last august. of those, more than 65,000 have come since the start of april. it's safe to say this month has been pivotal in my growth as a writer. out of nearly 37 million blogs in the world, i'm nearly in the top 10,000, and i've done no promotion... it's almost all word of mouth.

fucking weird, is what that is. and i try to figure out why/how it's happening, because i honestly NEED to know. i want this to be my career, i want to be one of the best there is. i have goals and dreams i'm not comfortable sharing, but i dream big. success can only be maintained when you understand the appeal and the reason for its occurrence. so, i try to figure out what people like about me.

so far, all i really think i know is that all the people out there who write about sex and sexuality, they're either a) super clinical with all these degrees tacked onto their names, or b) super hardcore alt-lifestyle types. there's no one 'real' out there. me, i'm your standard-issue girl-next-door type who's kind to strangers, calls her parents, likes to do crafts and household things, including cooking, who comes with a little edge and a fondness for physicality, in a monogamous way. i have to believe that the only thing really separating me from the competition is that i'm ordinary. i'm down-to-earth. i'm probably the kind of person people would like to have a beer with. and it's probably why i have such a hard time understanding my own appeal.

see, Wonder Boys reminds me just how important it is to understand what YOU bring to the equation. what makes you different? why should they care? what's the point? if you don't have that sense of self, success can untether you from your talents. i'm being careful, guarded, and probably over-analysing myself and my goals too much, but i'm absolutely adamant that i'm not going to get out there into the mix and fuck it up by letting things go to my head or letting myself get distracted.

i was always the kind of person that tried too hard to impress others, too, and that's another thing that restrains me. i need to have the confidence in myself, as I am, before i start having successes, because if the success comes when i'm still uneasy, i'll simply do what i think people like rather than what's important to me, and so far, nothing i've done has been for the benefits of others. i write only what i want, when i want, and it's been "true" as a result.

anyhow... just rambling. had a great breakfast, there's about 40 minutes of the movie left, and i'm returning to it. it's a great day to be thinking about writing, since i need to get this article rewritten by nightfall tomorrow. a little motivation can't hurt. and a long bike ride will get my mind firing and synapses hopping. gotta love it.

i'll reward myself with a nice cooking experience tonight. perhaps a white bean ragout and grilled chorizo dinner i've been considering for awhile now. cool. :)

and a great big congratulations to one of my best friends, Whippedboy, whose wife brought a beautiful little man named Jack into the world last thursday. a baby so cute it should be a crime. i'm looking forwards to meeting the little man, but i'm thrilled for my friend's happiness. good one, JT.