For you, the dress code is casual.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

It's a Weird World After All: Volume Three

Gun to head
The border guards in Maine let an American-born dude back into the country despite the fact that he showed up at the border with a collection of knives, other weapons, and a chainsaw that appeared to have blood on it.

They could find no legal reason to hold him, despite trying for all of two hours, so they let the guy go and enter the great US of A (but they kept the weapons and the chainsaw).

The next day, a couple Canadian maritimers were found brutally murdered, the male victim’s severed head in a pillow case under a table, and other freaky details came to light.

Later, they found our nutty chainsaw-totin' traveller wandering the streets of Massachusetts, still with "rust-coloured stains" on his warddrobe. (Pretty slick CSIs they got in the hood there, I guess.)

Needless to say, he’s in jail now, awaiting extradition to Canada.

But it’s nice to know all those pretty laws about bad people taking bad shit into the US don’t seem to really apply, as long as you’re white. Betcha our buddy the murdering bastard could’ve been detained longer if he had the Koran in his back pocket.

* * *

A half-million dollars for the fucking Runaway Bride to tell her “life story?” What the fuck is the publishing world smoking? Who cares?

Her life story? She’s one of two things, eikher a shallow, vacuous, snivelling little middle class bitch who doesn’t care about hurting people who invest their emotions in her, or two, she’s too much of a pissy coward to face her fears and it just happened to expose her to international scrutiny.

Either way, who fucking cares? There are people in this world who achieve things, who do things that are worthy of admiration and emulation, and this woman ain’t one of them.

* * *

“I’ll show you my Force if you show me yours.”

Sometimes, things just make you want to invent dialogue. I had to look this place up, but it’s near Malaysia. In Seremban, Darth Vader has taken to flashing little old ladies at bus stops.

Clearly, the Rebellion has entered a slow period and the dark lord has a little free time on his hands. I wonder if he has a regulator so he can do the heavy-breathing / I’m a bad-ass thing that makes Darth so fucking cool.

Now, the reports say nothing of this, but I hope to God that Darth Flasher has a penis worthy of en evil overlord. This is one instance where size really would matter. I'd hate to have an image of Darth whispering to his lady ho, "Is it in yet?"

* * *

Management interrupts this programming with this subliminal message telling you to click on the above ads in order to support this unemployed writer, who will gratuitously reward you with further inanity. We now return you to your subpar literary fare.

* * *

You thought you liked breasts before? Ha. You don’t know the half of it.

A woman in Staten Island used her breast milk to put out a fire on a one-legged Vietnam vet who’d been set alight by a bunch of heartless little fuckers. The vet was on his way via public bus, strangely, to buy a copy of The Exorcist at the mall.

He was in his wheelchair when the punks used a lighter to flame his plastic bag that contained the Greek classics the Odyssey and the Iliad. (That’ll teach you to be a reader, eh? Fuckin’ books are nothin’ but trouble, man.)

Reacting to the flames, he cried out for help, and our quick-thinking hero, New Mom, ran to his aid, throwing her bottle of freshly-pumped breastmilk onto the flames, followed by another bottle of water.

I have to admit, I was a little disappointed. I had this image of this woman standing in the middle of the bus, squeezing her tits, with milk spraying at the fire. I knew it was an unrealistic image at the time, but damn, there’s a hero worthy of a comic book series.

Let’s call her “The Nippler.”