Be Good to Your Wood Day

Good, hard wood requires regular handling. Periodically--and in a perfect world, often--your wood should be oiled up. Rubbed. I’m fond of using long, hard strokes. Nice and wet. Sopping, dripping. Let it penetrate. Leave it there. Let it really get in there, nice and deep. And then, do it again. Longer, harder. Rubbing it in deeper, more attentatively with each and every stroke.

Wait a second. You know I’m talking about furniture, right?

I doted on my antiques today. Oiled almost every bit of wood in my place. What can I say? I’m the attention-to-detail type. It glistens, gleams, and feels good to the touch.

(People across the way, they moved in yesterday. Now, apparently, they’re moving out. They’re in chain formation, moving shit out, over the deck, and into the alleyway, where their same moving truck from yesterday is. What, was my dancing on the balcony too much as I lubed up my directors’ chairs? Was my technique on the dowling a little too suggestive? Hmm? There goes the microwave. You really don’t want to be dropping them like that, you know.)