Oh, Shoot Me Now

I've adopted that phrase temporarily, and have muttered it some 20 or more times this week. Don't worry. It's not some desperate plea for help--just mercy.

My day started off a little off-kilter, with some perfume-laden plastic blonde girl copping a seat next to me on the bus. As soon as she took the seat, I rather unsubtly cranked the window as far as it would go, as she caused my olfactory nerves to scream out for justice.

But when she got off, a puffy, cigar-scented man exuding the stench of stale beer took her spot. He wedged himself up against me, so I shrank towards the wall a little, focusing far too intently on my wonderful novel (more on that when I finish it). In answer to my shrinking away, he wedged himself even closer, then chuckled under his breath as he leered a needy glance my way.

An evil glare from yours truly pretty much established some distance between us in a hurry, and the ride improved.

* * * * *

And then... then came my busride home.

I swear to God, in an alternate universe, my parallel self is perched atop a bell tower with a telescopic rifle. I just hope one of those other-worldly bullets takes out the next bastard that digs a briefcase into the small of my back, or bonks me with a backpack. I have personal space issues, and this nice-girl exterior's gonna crumble in a hurry with one more bus ride like that. Just try me, people. I dare you.

The irony is, I go out of my way, time-wise, to take old trolley buses home. The reasoning being, since I paid my two bucks, I want some real estate for my money, ergo I want a seat. I don't want to stand with some unkempt man's odorous armpit wafting in my face. So, instead of taking the rockin'-fast B-Line bus home to my 'hood in 17 minutes, I take the 35-minute trolleys.

Unfortunately, tonight wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

But I have a plan: I think the legal disclaimers on bus tickets are useless. Who cares about liability? I care about stupidity. At the end of my life, stupidity will have caused me far more grief than the mere threat of liability, so I figure, let's put a stop to it.

Assuming the masses are literate, I'm thinking we post some etiquette on these tickets. Such as:

-Practice basic hygeine. De-stink yourself.
-Don't talk excessively loud. You're not as entertaining as you think you are.
-Your baggage is not a self-defense item, so don't wield it as such--you're taking out innocent bystanders every time you freakin' move.
-When the person wedged into the wall needs to get off the bus, don't just turn sideways on your seat, get the hell up and give'em space. Say it with me, people: Chiv-al-ry.
-Don't put your sopping wet umbrella on top of seats. It's reserved for asses (other than you, I mean.)

Considering some of the people I've run into today may find anything other than monosyllabic words a challenge, we'll go with pictorial messages.

Hey, don't thank me for this. I'm just doing my part to make the world a better place. Just more selfless Steff for y'all.