Mongolian Kickers of Asses

I have this strange deep and abiding fascination with Mongolia. Always have. I've never really studied it, I'd prefer to be somewhat oblivious to it beyond what I read in Paul Theroux's travels and have picked up through osmosis. I've always wanted to do a bicycle tour of Mongolia, but I also secretly hope I never have the means because I'm sure it would be a desolate and haunting trip, but also because I'd rather not eat yak's testicles or anything like that when I come upon rural kindness, if you know what I mean. It's not like there's a Mickey D's down the block and I'd eat the testicles if I had to, but in my idyllic life, I'd rather not have the Yak's Testicles dilemma at all.

So, it'll be with great excitement that I finally get to see Mongol when it hits the big screen. It's apparently the Mongolian version of Braveheart (like all great battle epics are interchangeable; "great leader gets everything taken from him / or / great leader born with everything decides he has something to prove ... great leader fights unwinnable war, wins, dies a great leader).

And, get this: I think it has Tuvan throat-singing on the score.

I mean, does it get better? Mongolian horse riders, sword-fighting, lance-fighting, Mongolian justice, hot Mongolian yurt-love, and funny hats? AND throat-singing? Holy fucking bonanza, Batman! Gimme more!

You think I'm jesting, but, seriously. I actually loved the movie Ghengis Blues and I own the soundtrack. Yak's testicles aside, I'd love a week of cycling in Mongolia's mountains. I think Tuvan throat-singing is weird and haunting and bizarre and might be awesome to something primal and gutteral like the Mongolian conquest of the known worlds. I think Genghis Khan's one of the most brilliant military strategists ever. And I think the history of the Mongolian empire's a little underrated just because the people got decimated by China and drought and it's hard to look at them now and think "Most powerful empire in the world eight centuries ago" but them's the facts, they was.

And don't even get me start on yurts, because a part of me wants to buy a $20,000 plot of land in the mountains, get solar power and a water well, and buy me a fuckin' yurt from BC's Yurtco, an 805 squarefoot one for $17,000, with hardwood floors and all. Fuckin' Mongolian mansion on a mountainside? Fabulous. Heaven for under $40,000. 'Course, there'd be another $10k in appliances and amenities and stuff, but geez.

(That's my "lemme outta here" last ditch plan for kicking this urban living diet one day. It'd be fun to live in a yurt for a year. Something different. Why not? Get bored, pull a nomadic Mongol thingie and zip to some coastal burg and pitch up for a whole new life. Sure. It's a possibility. :)

So, fucking A, bring on the Mongol epic, man! Awesome. Good stuff. It'll probably make my top 5 movies of the year. Awesome!