Scenes from The Back of a Train and Things Fall Apart

My father has been moved into intensive care and is on life support.

I'm very scared.

I'm heading out to see him tomorrow. I don't know what to expect. I'm terrified he's going to take his leave of this life.

People may think me cynical. Sure. All right. Whatever makes you feel better. I think I'm one of the most intuitive people you'll ever meet, personally. I tend to keep my thoughts to myself when it comes to long-term fears. Sometimes I just flat-out lie about 'em. But I know my track record, and my thoughts on this scenario, fuck, man. I just don't wanna be right again. But I'll go out there tomorrow and see my dad.

I dunno that he has the strength to fight this. Sigh. I took a look at his leg at Thanksgiving and told my brother then that I thought bad things might come down the pipe. I just had that feeling. I told him, "You be prepared for bad news, and soon." He didn't take me that seriously, and I guess I didn't even take myself that seriously. I didn't get out and visit again, but, shit, it's only been 2.5 weeks!!

I woke my brother tonight. He'd sleep through a train, so I called his landlord and forced him to wake the brother unit up. I was very fatalistic with my brother 'cos I need him to take this seriously. He blew off my mother's death, thinking it couldn't be real, and I suspect he still hates himself for it some days. I told him then that her appointment with death was imminent. He just chose not to believe me. This time, he's heeding the warning. So, that makes me happy, at least.

If this happens, though, I'll have more regrets than I had when my mother passed away. And I'll have more anger, but of a different kind.

I hope like hell he proves me wrong. God, how I'd love to be wrong. Hey, me, man, I know how to celebrate an error. I really do. But this is where I don my hat that reads "pragmatic optimist".

Sigh. Just what I didn't need this winter. More drama. I rue the fucking day Norm ever turned to me in that car and said, "Your life reads like a book, honey!" Fucker cursed me that day ten years ago. Been one HELL of a decade, lemme tell you.

Ah, well. Determined to make something good of a shitty day yesterday, I took my camera along. Playing with Photoshop is a relaxing way for me to pass time. Here's some of my yield from yesterday.

I sat at the back of the train, taking pictures all the day long. Hence "Scenes from the Back of a Train."

I think tunnels seem so lonely. Especially this one.



I just like this scene.



This shot took me totally by surprise, but I love how it worked out. I did it in B&W as well, just 'cos it has a totally different feel thataway.





I call this one "Finding Myself." Enough said.



Dead flowers like these make me think of E.T. "Ouch."



More end-of-season flowers. The demise of roses.



And leaves.