Ranting about weight or something (Sigh)

So, I'm addicted to the show The Biggest Loser. It's a weight-loss reality show. It's starting to psyche me up.

Weight isn't really something I'm a big fan of discussing. I'm overweight. Let's not mince words. And I'm tired of it. Ever since Dad had his big scare, I've been realizing just how fucking tired I am of the weight.

I'm starting a new exercise thing. I live on the third floor of a brownstone. There are six flights of stairs, compared to the 30 in the 15-floor building down the street. So, I'm now running up and down the 6 flights a total of five times, at least. I was gonna do it three days a week, but now I think I'm gonna aim for four or five. I mean, I don't have to leave home. Brilliant.

And it kills me. It doesn't seem like that much, really, but whoosh. I weigh a good bit so there's all that gravity battling going, plus the real elevation gain. Beats the shit out of the stairclimber in the gym. I was in agony for two days. I just did it this morning and I already feel all my ribs tightening up and my abs. Woot. This is easily the best exercise I've ever done, even compared to all the cycling and shit.

Hiking's one of those things that freaks me out but I'd simply love to do at a more ambitious level. I have a little fantasy of being able to hike The West Coast Trail sometime in my life, and I'm not getting any younger. (The New York Times rated it as one of the top 10 treks to take in the world, up there with finding gurus in the Himalayas and shit, I think. And it's here in BC, just four hours from my digs, and several days of some of the hardest hiking there is.) I'm a photo nut. If I can take pictures like I do in the city in the woods, man, I'd have some pretty dang good shots out of the deal.

Actually, all my big travelling dreams have to do with activities and nature, and I've never been able to do any of them. I'm at the point now where I'm thinking, well, that's unacceptable. That's what that is. Unacceptable.

So, I'm trying. It's hard, though. My body doesn't like exercise. It's a hard adjustment to make. As an ADULT, in the last 12 years, I've been literally thrown from a horse, I fell down a flight of stairs (unfinished stairs leading to a concrete floor, which I landed on), and I've had no fewer than four serious accidents, including my being thrown off my scooter into an intersection, and then there's the three blown knees I've had. I'm fucking telling you here, getting in shape HURTS every fucking minute. Not just when I'm exercising, but for about six weeks solid. I hurt. Everywhere. All the time. Burning, aching pains that feel like I have some Bavarian wrenching every muscle in my body while Satan lights a fucking barbecue on top of it.

THAT's what it feels like. I cannot express to you how incredibly uncomfortable I become within my own body when I'm adjusting to this. So, now I'm stretching and I'm icing and I'm doing all the well-behaving shit one ought to do when rehabbing, because that's what I'm doing. I'm rehabilating myself. Period. One big fucking achy mess from top to bottom.

I don't live with chronic pain, but I live with chronic discomfort that often elevates to pain. Simple things like stress can exacerbate how I feel. My body acts out when I'm stressed. Grr, body. Quit acting out. Grr. Right now, definitely chronic pain. Ah, well. Life's a bitch. But my ass is feeling tighter. I'll take that.

So, having such an easy exercise be right at my doorstep, literally!, not cost a dime, not be weather dependent, not be a dangerous activity on city streets, not be easy, might just be the ticket to me keeping regular about this. 15 minutes is enough, believe me, on those stairs. Throw a few free weights and some yoga in the mix, and I shouldn't need anything else. Food isn't going to be an issue. I can always have bigger goals down the road.

But I'm just sick of being overweight. I don't believe there are a whole lot of "happy" overweight people out there, and I speak as one of them. I don't care about being some overweight, but this isn't acceptable, my weight now. Not medically, not spiritually, none of it. I deserve better. I know that totally religiously stretching and icing morning AND night will make this transition 90% better than it has been in the past, but it's going to be a boring routine, and I hate routine.

And, like I said, I want to be one of those people that really uses this world in their time here. I'd love to get out into nature more. It's unforgiveable that I've not been. (This may be the year to ressurect the Xmas day hike I used to take. Seriously, two, three hours in the woods, then off to see the family.)

I said earlier my big vacation dreams all have an active side to 'em: cycling Mongolia, surfing Morocco, trekking in New Zealand, the Mayan and Aztec stuff would be cool and that's some jungle walkin' to get there, the cliche motorcycle trip through South America (Viva Che! Heh.)... Then there's just traipsing around Spain drinking wine and eating myself to a slow death, after which the cycling Mongolia tactic might be brilliant strategizing. Death by gluttony followed by death by mutton. Or crushed in a horrific yurt incident. (I still dream of getting a made-in-BC yurt and setting up camp on some Northern Light-viewing plot of land up north.)

So, I love watching the Biggest Loser because I've kept hoping someone would wind up being the underdog who takes it all. Big Erik looks to be the guy I've been waiting for. 407 lbs when he showed up, something clicked after five abysmal weeks never topping six pounds in a week, and whammo -- he's at 112 lbs of loss now. I figure that if someone who had as bad an attitude and was as much of a quitter as Erik was can become so radically turned around now, then hey, so can I.

'cos I tend to get pretty hard core in my active phases. It's hard for me to GO to the gym. Get me there and I'll kick your ass. I just don't go. Cycling, I might be fat, but I can haul this ass all over town. So it pisses me the hell off to be out of shape and overweight. I think I always thought of myself as a fat girl, but the older I get, the more I realize that stuff like hiking extreme trails, surfing in foreign countries, and shit like that actually SUITS me and that the person living this life is just an impostor taking up space.

I betcha this stairclimbing cheap-ass at-my-door exercise changes my life. Betcha it does. 'course, having a positive attitude and just wanting this to be over with in a I'm-getting-MAD-now kind of way doesn't hurt too much either. I have something to prove to myself. Fuck anyone else. I just want to prove something to me now. And, yeah, okay, it'd be cool to show how ass-kicking I can be to a few other folks, too. Couldn't hurt. ;)

Ironic. There's a goddamned world out there filled with ice and snow, and I'm about to go put ice on myself on purpose. I need my friggin' head checked, doc.