Grumpy Steff

I'm grumpy. But you knew that already.

I woke up in a good mood, found a job ad that I'm about 90% sure I could get, as long as I get an interview. One of those where you read the skillset and then you laugh because you have all that and more. It's as a student services coordinator in an ESL school. Well, I've been a student liaison in college, I've taught ESL, I've worked in admin, I understand the issues facing immigrants and foreign students in Vancouver, and I have a pretty resume.

Do I want the job? I think I'd like that a bit more than teaching ESL, but it'd be a pay cut, sort of. It'd be good for a few months, anyhow. I dunno. We'll see. Money's important, you know? I'm realizing how many opportunities are out there right now, and that makes me positive. Almost like a job's in the bag, considering my resume and all, but there's a small catch: A job isn't in the bag. Yet.

But that's not why I'm grumpy. That's why I was in a good mood.

Why I'm grumpy is that I eventually put on my right hearing aid. It's doing NOTHING for me. I think I hear better without the thing in. This leads me to a new conclusion. My hearing aid has been steadily losing power, I think. You see, this ear infection/sinus infection I've been having my life made hell by has been producing fluid in my ear. Hearing aids are electronics equipment, no matter how you slice it. It's a mini home stereo that fits in your ear. Sound hits it, gets amplified, and is fed deep enough into your ear canal so that it can cause vibrations on your ear drum, and it's the ear drum that's normally not too responsive in those of us with problems. It doesn't vibrate enough, and the vibrations are what causes all persons to hear.

But if my hearing aid's not working right, then that would explain probably 50% of the loss I'm suffering right now. So, that's basically good news, right? But it's only a suspicion. I don't know yet for sure. If it is, then it's fixable, and that's a good thing.

Only, I'm looking for a job, and what this means is, if the aid goes off for repairs, I get given a replacement aid, but it's one of those behind-the-ear jobbies that's not exactly sexy, and sure as hell not what employers are wanting to see. Especially Asian employers.

Is that racist? No, not in the least. It's a cultural flaw they have, and one I've been told of by many Asians over the years. Not cool, but that's life. I suspect the same goes for white folk, as I have been discriminated against in job situations due to my hearing aids in the past.

On the up side, I could have the aid back in as little as a week, but it's usually closer to 10 days.

I know there's still problems in my ear regardless, though, because I still feel stuffy and unclear, but I shouldn't be this bad. I can't possibly be this bad.

Or if I really am this bad right now, then I should be scared out of my fucking mind. And don't think I'm not. I am. I'm very, very aware of the fact that my hearing is more easily and likely to be damaged than the average person's is, and my loss is irreparable. I have nerve damage as is; no surgery, no implant, nada can ever help me. So, yes. I'm scared. I sort of want to cry right now, honestly, and I just wish I could go back to hearing.

I'm supposed to have a nice day. I want to have a nice day. The Guy and I are heading downtown and will probably have some grub and go see the illustrious Tony Bourdain talk for a couple hours. Bourdain rocks. And I can't hear.

And I'm mad as fucking hell that it's this bad, today, this week, now. I don't need this. But there's little, if anything, that I can do. That's reality. And reality bites.

Tomorrow, I'll find out if the aid's damaged, and I hope like hell that it is. I'll get by. I'll wear what little hair I have over my ears, keep people on my left, try like hell to read lips.

I know people lose their hearing every day, and I know there are worse problems to live with -- like paraplegia, blindness, muteness, and so forth, but so what? If those should happen to me, I will be pissed and angry at that, too. Naturally.

Right now, this is a big problem. I'm a writer. Hearing people talk, hearing the bustle and the bells and the whistles and the fat lady singing are all imperative to who and what I am. This is crushing me more every single day, and I still need to wait two more weeks for a specialist's appointment. My patience is wearing thin, as is my resiliency. And I just didn't need to have it get this much worse this morning.

In a word, fuck.

(But I'll still do my best to have fun today. Just bitter about the scenario, that's all.)