For you, the dress code is casual.

Monday, July 11, 2005

It's a Weird World After All: Volume Three

A 15-year-old boy was having a leisurely swim in a German alpine lake recently when a large snapping turtle bit his penis.

A large fugitive snapping turtle, that is. The turtles are illegal to own in Germany and can grow to be in excess of a foot long. It's thought the snapper was imported from North America and when it got too big, was dumped in the lake.

Nonetheless, officials are baffled at why the turtle would attack the boy, since they're not exactly known as "predators".

The turtle snipped the boy's winkie, then bit hard on his hand, which then needed several stitches.

No news on the status of the wiener, but local residents are staying away from the lake, where police divers have been unable to turn up any sign of the serial snipper.

Officials state that if the cops can't get their man... err, turtle-- that Mother Nature should be able to nip the problem in the butt. It's not expected the turtle would be able to survive a winter in a frozen-over lake.

(But if they find it, I found this great barbecued snapping turtle recipe.)
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You stupid fucking person! Not you, this guy.

A jar of AIR has been sold for $512. Allegedly, the air is that of the surroundings when Brad and Angelina walked by at a movie premiere.

Wow, it's so nice to know you have so much money you can buy fucking air. You stupid fucking person.

I know people in Africa who might pay for water. Dumb fucks.
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And this? I can't even begin to write this any better than my good friends at one of my favourite news sources, which I don't feel like sharing. It keeps my blog interesting. ;)

Nairobi - A cobbler suspected of sorcery was attacked and nearly lynched by outraged villagers in central Kenya on Tuesday after being caught having sex with a female sheep, witnesses and officials said.

Joshua Kiplagat, 36, sustained a serious head wound when the sheep's owner threw a machete at him after finding him in flagrante delicto with a prize ewe in the Rift Valley district of Bomet, they said.

He was then tied to a tree stump for five hours before being frogmarched naked with the violated ovine in tow to a police station where he confessed to several acts of bestiality that he blamed on the devil, they said.

"I was sent by the devil to do that," Kiplagat told the angry crowd which included several people who accused him of being a warlock and one disgusted woman who claimed to have seen him engaging in sex acts with a dog.

"I saw this man mounting a dog two weeks ago at around seven in the evening and I was so surprised," said the woman, who gave her name as Leah.

The bloodied shoe repairer adamantly denied allegations that he was a wizard and insisted that his affection for animals was limited to sheep.

"I only made love to the ewe twice using two condoms but I never do it regularly," he said in his defence.

Bomet assistant district chief Paul Kikwai, who was present at the police station, expressed shock at the incident and vowed that Kiplagat would be punished although he made no comment on the villagers' actions.

"We have never seen such incidents here and we are just wondering how many people around here engage in this kind of acts," he lamented.

This bud’s for you.

A generous Floridian left a tip of a half-gram of marijuana for a Starbucks employee after receiving noteworthy service.

The uptight twat behind the counter, though, recognized the bud-friendly customer when he returned the next day. She phoned the fuzz and a security guard apprehended the dope-tipping dude in the parking lot...

...but not before his rolling papers and dope tumbled out of his pocket during the scuffle.

The guy was obviously charged and then released on his own recognizance.

Fuck, if that’d happened here in Vancouver, the tipping-for-coffee, that is, the guy would get an extra shot in his coffee and that’s that.
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“Teenage girl reports seeing a man’s face in toilet.”

No, it’s not a new chapter from the haunted toilets of Hogwart’s. It’s a peeping Tom who hangs out in the tanks of port-a-johns.

You thought sex against the outside wall of a port-a-john was bad?

Gary Moody, a 45-year-old joke of a human being, was pathetic enough that he climbed into a waste-filled tank so he could get a beaver’s eye-view.

Naturally, the cops hosed the human waste off the freakazoid before they slapped the cuffs on him. They said it was part of their “hazardous wastes” policy.

Gee, talk about your literalism. If ever there was a dirty old man...

*It's a Weird World: Volume One is here.
**It's a Weird World: Volume Two is here.