the last ditch

As You've Noticed...

2010-07-15T12:59:00.000-07:00

I'm not really here anymore.

I don't know why I stopped updating this place. I guess I decided to just merge my online presence and simplify my life... or something.

But I'm still on the web, and I'm writing better than ever, I think. You can find me at my home, The Cunting Linguist. I'm also on Twitter, god help us all, and there I'm SmuttySteff.

You can contact me easily through The Cunting Linguist, but the email for this blog's probably long dead.

If you think my writing rocks, then you can check my professional website, where I can be hired to be awesome for YOU. I do rewrites and all kinds of skookum editing.

Uht-oh

2009-05-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

I just realized one of my sidebar links was coming up with an exploitive warning on AVG virus controls.

Whups. Deleted.

I dunno when I'll be writing here again. I'd like to think soon. I've been stretched to the max for a very, very long time. Be patient.

Love, Steff.

Tomato-Cream Pasta Sauce with Asparagus, Back Bacon & Artichokes

2009-04-09T19:54:00.000-07:00

I like to "invent-a-pasta" from time to time. here's tonight, which was a very well-enjoyed healthy-but-seems-decadent meal.

Tomato-Cream Pasta Sauce
with Asparagus, Back Bacon, and Artichokes

-3/4 cup half-and-half cream
-6 cloves of garlic, crushed
-2 shallots, thinly sliced and coarsely chopped
-1/2 pound back bacon, chopped in 1" pieces
-8-12 stalks of asparagus, chopped into 1" pieces
-1/2 cup chopped jarred marinated artichoke hearts
-1 28-oz container cherry tomatoes, "tomato sauce" mostly drained
-1/2 cup pesto
-1/4 cup Parmesan
-salt & pepper to taste

In a sauce pan, simmer the cream and the crushed garlic over medium heat until reduced by half.

Saute shallots in a good nonstick frying pan with a tablespoon butter over medium heat for 3-5 minutes, add asparagus, cook another 3-5 minutes. Crush the cherry tomatoes and add them and their juice (as opposed to the "tomato sauce" they're packed in) to the pan. Add the pesto and chopped bacon, mix well. Simmer for 10-20 minutes, during which time you make your pasta.

At the end, take your garlic cream and mash the garlic into the cream. Mix it all into the pasta sauce, add parmesan, mix well, and serve on pasta. I choose whole wheat pasta. Tasty!

NOTE: You can substitute chicken. I've made this also with spicy Italian sausage and even chorizo. They all change the dish, but the chicken and back bacon are relatively similar in effect, and I love them both.

Also, that cream? All of 12 grams fat and 160 calories, and this'll serve 4 or 5. Versus 600 calories / 66 grams of fat for whipping cream. This is why you reduce it -- you intensify the richness but keep the calories down.

HI!

2009-04-06T09:24:00.000-07:00

It's gradually looking like this blog is dying, but it's come back from such precarious heights before.

This has been the most physically gruelling six months of my life, I guess, so it's natural something should give. The other blog's going reasonably strong. Having one doing 'well' and the other not is better than both sucking, and I get more out of success on the other blog.

Hence.

But I see this place staying alive because it's the place I kind of delve into more mundane day-to-day things. So don't give up on me yet. :)

Today, two great things to report. One, these pants I'm wearing I bought at Christmas and now I can finally wear them. :) 69 pounds lost.

Two, five days ago I had to muster ALL my strength for each push-up I was doing (only assigned three sets of 5 by physio) but now I can do them without stopping in between, while maintaining perfect form. Because I rock.

Three, I'm optimistic one of the most annoying months of my life has been ceremoniously BOOTED by a far superior month. April's looking fantastic.

If, as it looks, my back is FINALLY healing and good times are ahead...

Watch out. :)

I'm gonna have an incredible summer.

And no one has earned it more. I have kept the faith and fought through SO MUCH these last few years. If my finances stay on track (or even improve!!) and my health stays on track, I don't see how anything can stop me.

Seriously.

A Weight-Loss Rant

2009-03-03T22:44:00.000-08:00

Wow. I haven't been posting here at all. I suck. Story of the blog these days.

My back's been giving me grief for the last 10 days, and it makes me less likely to do double-duty on my blogs when I'm in pain. It's still not 100%.

But I'm sitting around and doing lots of stretching tonight, watching some Biggest Loser, trying to remind myself what I've accomplished, and that these recent hurdles aren't anything to be concerned about. This, too, shall pass.

I got into one of those Twitter-type chats about the whole weight loss thing, thinking out loud as I reflected, such as it was, and this guy goes, "Oh, I know it's hard, I haven't been to the gym in months."

You know it's hard to exercise, pal. You've never been overweight, just lazy. It's not the same thing. You don't know what it's like living your life feeling discriminated against because you just don't fucking GET how to be thin or lose weight. You probably don't know what it's like to hate the way you feel in your skin when that skin's considerably more than the average person's.

You definitely don't know what it's like to weigh 275 pounds as a 5'6 chick.

The trouble with this recent bout of stupid motherfucking back pain is, it's getting in the way of life a bit. Not much, mind you. But it's just enough to be pissing me off. It's settling down, but I just wanted to be past this by now, so I'm irritated I'm having to find my way back into that positive space.

HOWEVER, as much as the last paragraph suggests otherwise, I'm getting there. I'm stretching properly, it's helping. This is good.

And then there's the reminder: I got hurt on the way to losing about 70 pounds and several sizes. Back in the old days, I blew out my knee by picking up a piece of paper. A bit of a difference.

Good times.

I don't really know what my point is. I just got pissed off by some asshole likening my struggles with him being unable to get his lazy ass into a gym.

NO. *I* had to change my whole way of life. *I* have had to learn all about nutrition. (But have to put more in practice. The battle's never over.) *I* have had to deal with all the emotional baggage that got me to be 275 pounds. *I* have had to reprogram myself. *I* even had to survive literally 2 months of Christmas "gift" food on the office kitchen table and still lost 10 pounds over that time.

I didn't just have to haul my ass off the sofa three times a week. Every single day I have worked on improving myself. It has been the hardest accomplishment of my life, the best thing I've ever done, and something I will draw upon for the rest of my life as an example of how much I can kick ass when I have reason to do so.

When people tell me what I've done is "amazing", I should let them say so instead of shrugging it off. Because not a lot of people have taken off 70 or more pounds.

And now I'm one of them.

So. Yeah. I guess I just wanted to vent. Insolent bastard.

Don't belittle my accomplishment just because you don't have a simple gym visit in you.

This wasn't about a gym visit. This was about 26 years of eating myself into a nice, protective cocoon that I never really had to emerge from if I didn't want to, and about believing for that same amount of time that I could never be as fast, fit, strong, or able as others.

This was pretty much about every single thing in my life.

This was about making my demons my bitches.

Not just a gym visit. Asshat.

Broke-Ass Black Bean-Corn-Tomato Soup

2009-02-17T21:07:00.000-08:00

This is heart-smart, low-fat, spicy, goes a long ways, and is cheap as HELL to make.

$1.19 for my tomatoes, $0.89 for the corn, and $1.69 for the black beans, large onion $0.35. Total: $4.12. Serves 6. Yeah. That'll save your paycheque. It's basically like chili without the beef -- or the four hours of simmering.

(The recipe is from one of Anne Lindsay's healthy cookbooks popular here in Canada, except I actually SEASON it. :) Mine's medium-hot, so adjust seasoning accordingly.

1 large sweet onion, chopped
1 tablespoon olive oil

Saute onion in a stockpot or Dutch oven until translucent or golden, then add:

1 tablespoon hot Mexican chili powder
1 tablespoon cumin
1 tablespoon coriander

As it starks to stick to the pot, add 1/2 cup water and let simmer a moment. Then add:

1 can sweet corn (or 1-2 cobs shorn*, or 1.5 cups frozen)
1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 can diced tomatoes, 28 oz.

Mix well, add enough water to make yourself happy. Splurge, if you like, and use chicken stock. I used about 2 cups of water. Cook for 20 to 30 minutes, until the flavours are happy. Salt and pepper to taste.

If you want, puree some of the soup at the end for a nicer consistency. I pureed 1/3 of the soup and it's now a bit creamy looking, which I really like. If you want to splurge more, other ways to make it into an expensive-tasting experience: Mix 1/4 cup lime juice in right before taking it off the heat. Chop 1 cup cilantro and add at the very end. Serve with a tablespoon of sour cream.

*If you use the cobbed corn for this, or ANY soup recipe, ALWAYS throw the cob, after you've stripped it of kernels, into the soup and cook the cob in the soup till you're about to serve it. Why? The starch (CORNstarch?) helps naturally give the soup more body, plus more corn flavour. Throw the cob out at the end.

Having a Read of My Work Last Night

2009-02-16T07:33:00.000-08:00

Oh, lord help me, it's probably going to be a long week. I hate it when it gets off to the wrong start -- like me waking up all night with stomach ickiness and all that crap.

But I feel fine-ish now, just only had 5-6 hours sleep. It'll be fine. How awake do you have to be to bus, huh?

But while I was up one of the times, for about an hour, I figured I'd reread my recent work on The Other Blog. I reread everything up until January 14th, and I can see that I've been starting to hone in on better form. Still not where I want with the writing, but it's coming along quite nicely.

Now I need to write more. I want three good postings a week on the other blog, and want to write here three times a week. That'll have me staying sharp pretty much daily.

But I enjoyed reading myself, and it's been awhile since THAT was the reaction on back-to-back pieces. It's been a few good ones in a row, whereas it's been quite a long time where I'd have one, maybe two good posts, then I'd have a filler or two in between. I don't want filler. I want fewer posts but of a higher quality.

I'm no idiot, I know when the writing's decent. But back-to-back? That's been a while. Consistency would be fantastic again. Being on the road to it? Feels great.

I would've rather had a good night's sleep, but getting the chance to re-read some stuff so I can stop creatively beating up on myself? Probably priceless.

Enjoy your Monday, folks. No rest for the wicked Canadians. Not a holiday here. Boo. [Four-day weekend for yours truly next week, though!]

Valentine Thoughts on Writing

2009-02-14T09:30:00.000-08:00

Writing's like love. You want it to be fantastic and all-encompassing, you want to leave your heart on the page, and every now and then you cycle into phases where you do just that. Most of the time, though, you lapse into surfacing. Saying barely what should be said, and flailing at the words you do manage to spill. The time you spend is forced, not desired. It's obligatory, not inspiring.

Writing requires work. It's not this fabelled "gift" people speak of. "Oh, you're a writer. You're so lucky. I wish I could be a writer." Uh-huh. And if wishes were horses, friend.

I have fallen out with writing. I need to rekindle the love affair. Find what it is that drew me to it. Forget about the pressures that I have around me to do it, and rediscover the love I have for being in That Zone when it should oh-so-infrequently make its way to me.

Writing, in many ways, became merely a survival mechanism over the last three years. It's funny, I'm not sure which has shaped me more as a woman, the death of my mother, or the last three years. Both have been hard as hell. Either way, I stand now on the other side.

I don't need writing as a survival mechanism now. What I need is it to be more. I need for me to feel compelled to write. To have words of all kinds bursting beneath my skin. To itch for the clackety-clack of my ideas becoming reality on a screen before me. THAT, I want.

So now I'm at that point where I realize "waiting" for it to happen is resulting in, well, just lots more waiting.

Now, grunt, comes the work. Now comes forcing myself to just sit and spill. Now I guess the writing becomes more about who it is I've become. The question is, who is that? I'm still not really sure.

Funnily, I probably have more sense of self than most, but it's perhaps that very thing that makes me feel so adrift at sea right now. I know myself, have always known myself, so well that I find myself frequently at a loss. Because who I am now feels different -- not just mentally or spiritually, but now physically different -- all the time. Like, last night, sitting down on a crowded bus and realizing my ass wasn't touch either person on my right or left. For the first time in literally decades.

I'm not complaining, no, I'm just confused. I'm different. And I'm still changing. Trying to assess who I am *now* is like measuring the temperature of water on a scorcher of a day at 10am. You could, but in 2 hours it'll be pointless information, won't it? Yet, it's interesting for a time.

That's why this blog has become more a record of me in the moments as I keep shifting towards the new me. Whatever else a blog is, first and foremost it's supposed to be a "web log".

But you know what?

I'm not worried about it. Writing's going to explode for me, it always does. I know I have a lot to say. I'm just not sure what it is right now. The clarity will come. That always does, too.

I am very optimistic about the year ahead. The only thing is, this time I *KNOW* how much I did last year, so I've kind of got that mentality you get after you've climbed a mountain? You KNOW you can do it, but you've NO illusions about how hard it all was.

Heh. I blew my BACK out because I did so much last year. Granted, it's because the hip that caused it was injured a number of years ago and I'd never healed it properly, but still. :) It was a big year.

This year daunts me. It's also egging me on a little, too. It'll be fantastic. So will falling in love with writing again. I'll make it happen.

I always do. :)

Photographs from my English Bay Bike Ride

2009-02-04T21:13:00.000-08:00

AS ALWAYS, CLICK ON THE PHOTOS FOR LARGE 700x900 FORMAT SHOTS.

I skipped out of work today to reboot my soul a little. I worked 5 and a bit hours, and had a bit of a bike ride before and after. Stuck to level lands, but got 20km in. It's conditioning phase. My cardio sucks right now. Strength though? Hills are gonna be a whole lot easier this year, baby. Once I've gotten some cardio on tap again, that is.

Still. I'm doing all right.

But I went west towards Stanley Park, to what would be the very end of the ride around the park, but I went the "illegal" way because I'm a rebel. (The sea wall starts out one-way heading into the east, around the north side, and then heading southeast again. I hit the southeastern corner and rode west.)

I'm gonna try to start blogging more, but I suspect it'll come on its own. I always write more around March. Bear with me. I'm kinda living in my head a bit these days.

It's simpler sometimes. :)

Here we go.

This is the start of English Bay, right near the Burrard Bridge. You can see the faint low-lying vapour fog that's bound to build tonight.

I like observing people at the beach. People draw so much from the ocean. You can almost see it happening before your eyes. I like people with character, too, like this obviously robust curmudgeon of a fellow.

Sunset, duh. It's setting almost directly south now, but swoops totally north, to the right of the mountain range in the top picture, by summer solstice. Knowing where the sun rises and sets at any given time of the year can really influence where you should be in order to get the right shot at the right place. So, this means there are places you should mentally bookmark to photograph at its sunset-optimal time of year. For sunsets specifically, you'd shoot the south side of Stanley Park (aka English Bay) in December to March, the west side from March to May and September to November, and the north from June to September. See?

Ditto. Sunset. Same stretch.

The fog doesn't really show here, which disappoints me, but I still like the shots. The lines in the clouds just blow me away, and it's one of those linear compositions my college photography teacher would've gobbled up with a spoon -- nom-nom-nom!

HEY, LOOK. It's a sunset!

One of those spontaneous stranger photos that's 110% luck and timing. I had both. I quite love this spirit. But they're young, it's what you do.

I love ocean foreshore, but it never looks right in photography. Sunset and low tide, it seems, helps. :)

Fraser River Images

2009-01-17T22:09:00.000-08:00

HEY, I TOOK PICTURES! Holy shit! A lot of them! And a bunch were good! Shazam.

I've been dying to hit the river since the fog rolled in a few days ago and picked the perfect timing 'cos I got a schwack of different fog densities, thus a whole range of moods. It feels nice to know I got some nice shots for a change.

This is just a few of the 80 or so I took. There's still some pictures to sort through, too.

I cycled 26 km along the river, which was awesome. I was dying by the end, but got it done. I was freezing, couldn't feel my toes, and was completely spent. My back, however, felt fine. Everything else? I can handle it!

It was SO worth it. I've ALWAYS wanted to do this foggy bike ride and never got around to it until now. I've lived here 9 years! It was great! Was completely frozen when I got home, but fucking thrilled I went.

So... along the Fraser River, South Vancouver.

I've lived here almost a decade and never tire of the tugboats:

You really think I should stop? You sure it's necessary? Bright guys.

Yet another unprotected piece of our industrial heritage on the Fraser, ready to fall down any day now:

Dude, I love the fog for the mood it lends. A little sunshine for conflicting emotions? Gold.

Pilings! We loves pilings. I'm always taking photos of pilings.

Nothing special, but it's pretty enough.

Looks a bit washed out, but another moody pier shot:

Fishing boats. Awesome ones.

Same stretch:

Oh, Morning, You Fickle Wench, You!

2009-01-13T09:15:00.000-08:00

First off, hearing aids are fine, better than ever. They were able to clean out the mic/receiver and all is good. Holy stunning change of luck, Batman!

But then this morning my scoot sputtered out on the way to work. I got it back home. Have had another coffee. Have to cancel my appointment after work. WHATEVER. Not the end of the world. I have a bus pass, and I also know this is a pre-existing condition I've already bought the parts for, it just needs some fixing.

It'll all sort out. Interesting morning thus far, though. Quel entertaining. It is what it is. I'm filing it under "better to live an interesting life than the otherwise".

Seriously? At 4am? Thanks for that.

2009-01-10T04:24:00.000-08:00

So I fall asleep on the couch, get four or five hours sleep, wake up, go to bed, can't sleep, get back up, go to start watching a movie at 4am, put my hearing aids on, and one's broken.

Fabulous. That's always good 4am news.

So, again with the "Heh, heh, by the way, the suckage continues" week that keeps on rolling. But it's taken all of 18 minutes for me to put a positive spin on spending $250 that could really go out on better things right now.

I've been meaning for some time now to talk to a non-profit here in town about getting new hearing aids. This will spur me into action. I never should have bought these hearing aids. I should have bought behind-the-ear ones. I am confident in the fact that, because these are not nearly as good for my particular brand and intensity of hearing loss, this has majorly cut into my desire to be social. I find myself wondering often if I could hear better, would I be better at my wittiness in conversation, therefore more comfortable in crowds again?

I mean, THIS is the year to find out. I've had these for five years now. New ones are $5,000. So, I'm thinking outside the box on how I can attain some.

I recommended my brother try to get government help with new hearing aids last year, and he got new ones for free as a result. I suspect my argument is good, that I literally require them for my job of closed captioning. And I'm broke off my ass in the grand scheme of things right now, too. We'll see. I hear it's a recession, so.

But either way, at least it'll be fixed. It's been going for a month or so now. I can't say this is a big surprise. You just want to believe, though, that what you fear's coming isn't really on the way. Bah. It was.

However, if I wind up getting free hearing aids and this $250 expenditure was the catalyst that made that happen, then it's safe to say by years' end this $250 will have become some of the best money I've ever spent. And that's how I'm going to try to look at this right now.

Hey, I might even succeed!

Rain? YEAH! RAIN!

2009-01-06T06:30:00.000-08:00

My father's in the hospital again, has been since last Thursday, will be for a couple weeks. It's lame. He should survive, we hope. Big scare yesterday that turned out to be pneumonia. Sigh.

That's my reality, but I don't want to write about it right now, I've already done that on the other blog, since this blog's one my dad reads when he's well. So I'm keeping that writing over there.

Meanwhile: It's pouring rain.

The snow that has been on the ground since Dec. 13th is now melting. We'll have floods by the time the day is through. I'm leaving early to go buy very much needed boots before The Great Melt goes haywire.

I figure I'm 6 to 8 weeks away from true travel freedom again. I feel like I have been imprisoned at home since September, thanks to back injuries followed by hard rehab/coping and then the hell of snow.

For those who DON'T know, more snow has fallen in THREE WEEKS than Vancouver gets in TWO YEARS. And, usually in Vancouver, our snow melts in a day. This more-snow-on-more-snow-on-more-snow thing is FUCKED UP. Weird.

And as someone who's been trying to rehab a back injury and having trouble getting around, and I'm only 35, I've been fucking LIVID at the city of Vancouver. Way to fail to enforce clearing laws. Way to fail to prevent chaos, city. Way to not be on top of a goddamned thing.

If this happens in the Olympics? We'll be fucked! We'll be the laughingstocks of the world! A guy from Toronto was on the news last night looking around the city and he goes, "If this happened in Toronto, there'd be riots in the street."

YES. But here? We bend over and take it.

Sunday I visited my father in the hospital in Surrey. WHOOPS. Took me FIVE HOURS TO GET HOME IN THE SNOW. Yeah, I was pissed. It's 25-30 kilometres!!! Here's how THAT unfolded:

Surrey to New West, got off the skytrain, after waiting for 10-15 minutes for a bus parked across the station, the driver comes over to say, "No chance buses are getting out of 22nd Street, so--" and I was told to go to Joyce Station and bus across town from there.

I get to Joyce, get off, there's 150+ people in line for a bus. There's no evidence they're even running.

Back on the skytrain. We pass Nanaimo -- buses are stuck and abandoned all the way up the hill.

Get off at Broadway. Finally get onto the BLine bus, where there's about 150 people waiting but I luck out again. It's now been nearly 2 hours, and I should be home.

Half-way across the city, it spins out and banks into snow, stuck. We're all kicked off. "Another bus will come, the driver says."

"Not fucking likely," I think. Pushing three hours into my travels, armed with 20+ pounds groceries, I begin the long trek to where there's only one bus that might get me to the south side of Vancouver, the OTHER B-Line. It's a 25-30 block walk.

Not a single bus passed me. Nor, more importantly, a single plow.

Finally, I get there, and there's more than 200 people waiting. Worse? The Granville Street rise, up from the bridge (out of downtown) is littered with buses who have failed to make the grade. No fewer than a pile-up of 10 buses made that ascent hell.

Here's where you need to understand the geography of Vancouver to understand the unique physiology of Hell that happens when snow falls: Downtown is basically an island you have to travel one of five bridges (or take ONE ground route to), but every single route then leads to a hill. Once you're out of downtown, you pretty much get into the Avenues that cross the city east/west. From First to 41st, it's all ascent. First to Broadway is REALLY steep, then it settles, then after 16th the real fun begins. But when it's snow, you have to get up 41 blocks of snow.

You throw Pacific moisture into that mix, and the right conditions, this city shuts completely down.

After you hit 41st, you'd think you were clear, right? Wrong, because then it goes downhill for another 30 blocks. If you live somewhere on that side of town, like I do, then when snow falls, you're in about the worst part of Vancouver you can live in, because to believe in buses reaching your house is sort of like saying you believe in Santa.

Anyhow. I was now at the one bus stop that might-- MIGHT-- get me home. I looked around at the 200+ people waiting, and I took a few minutes to talk to people. They'd all been standing there for forever.

"Fuck it," I thought, and for the first time in my life, I stuck out my thumb.

30 seconds later, an Egyptian man pulled over to pick me up. He shouted his destination and three others leapt at the chance.

A drive that can be 10 minutes on a good night became 100 minutes.

Along the way, we saw cars abandoned, whole groups of people trying to pull cars out of banks, or push them uphill. Every single hill had buses out of commission. One street had a bus that gloriously managed to not only spin out and get stuck, but managed to veer out of control and block FOUR lanes of traffic on one of the city's largest thoroughfares.

Thank god Mr. Samaritan had an SUV. I left Surrey at 3:45. I got home at 9:01pm.

Yeah, flood? I can handle flood. Fuck snow.

Here We Go Again. Bring on the Pain.

2008-12-28T13:14:00.000-08:00

I'm nervous. The shower's running. Then I'm off to the gym for the first time since January of last year. And my first real workout since, oh... September.

Building the snowfort on Christmas day was cool. I stayed energetic. Much to my surprise. I expected weariness and pain. Had neither. Actually felt great the next day.

I'm curious what the gym will feel like. It's not like I've had no cardio -- I've been walking A LOT this fall. My cardio's probably better than ever for day-to-day, but not sure on the long hauls, since I've had none for four months. My expectations are higher, though, as I've cut out almost all milk, so my asthma's at a total minimum these days.

But I always get a little fearful before I start new things. I'm scared of committing to the workout lifestyle again. It was real fuckin' hard, and look at the price I paid with the back problems I had, man.

Still. It must be done. Again, I've something to prove to myself. Not anyone else. Just me. I can do it. I can do it sans injury this time, too.

And I guess that's where the fear comes from, 'cos I know what I got to expend in order to get what I expect.

So here we go. New sneakers. New yoga pants. New attitude. New chance. New year. New starting point. I'm ready. Hesitant as fuck, resisting like all hell, nervous to beat all odds. But I'm ready.

I Came, I Saw, I Played in the Snow

2008-12-26T13:16:00.000-08:00

My nephew and brother just took off after staying the last couple days with me.

Again, it's snowing. A fresh new three inches today. Still coming down at an inch-an-hour pacing. It's madness.

Yesterday, we continued construction on The Snow Fort. I was resistant to helping, being in the "oh, it's too much work" former-fat-girl frame of mind I still get into too often, but grudgingly decided I was stupid to pass up this end-of-childhood playing session with my 12-year-old nephew.

And... much to my surprise, it wasn't too much work. I never even got tired. What? What happened to me? It was WEIRD.

This morning, he gave me a bone-crushing hug and it took me a minute to realize it was the first time he ever got his arms all the way around me to return the crushingness. :)

With their departure, away went every bit of candy, chocolate, and crap in my house. Now, remaining, I have... NOTHING. Wine, but that's it.

I've made it to the other side of the holidays and gained back only FOUR pounds. I'm still down 56. And that number's on the upping from here on out.

Fucking A. And I'm 35 and finally, for the first time in my life, played in the snow without feeling I was going to die. Nope. You're never too old to have THAT experience. :)

Snowy Christmas Pictures

2008-12-25T21:47:00.000-08:00

Have I really been that busy? Nine days? Well, hello. I've gained four pounds back this holiday season. Beats the shit out of 10! :D

Merry hoho, or whatever the hell it is you celebrate. Happy-it-all.

I'm just posting a few photographs while my nephew and I half-watch A Christmas Story.

This first shot's from our first snowfall about 12 days ago. Lovely. Quaint. A fraction of what we'd come to see.

The morning after the next snowfall yielded this shot from my balcony:

That 8 inches would seem quaint before the 18 you see here, the morning of Christmas eve, but still woefully beneath the 2+ feet we'd have by Christmas Day morning. Walked all of 6 blocks in it today, was exhausted and completely soaked. Lovely to look at, shitty to commute in. :)

Another angle on my street. The inch of fire hydrant poking out beside the sign there gives a clear indicator of the height of the snow. :P

Well, That's An Improvement. 60 Pounds?

2008-12-16T08:56:00.000-08:00

I've lost 60 pounds.

Yeah. 60. Stick that in yer pipe and smoke it.

My extra-large yoga pants I bought in late September are, dare I say it, becoming too big. I'm looking, it seems, like just plain large. And that's fine by me.

Weird, weird, weird, but hey. I mean, I busted my fucking ASS to lose 40 pounds -- cycling for hours every week, all that shit. These days I'm not doing any cardio -- ANY -- and I'm still shedding?

WHAT THE HELL WAS I KILLING MYSELF FOR THEN?

Ahem.

Heh. I'll still do it, too. I'm looking forward to having the time to go to the gym and stuff. Then I can start having a burger now and then. :D

I will say, tho, that the physiotherapy rehab exercises I've been assigned have been starting to tone some areas, like belly flab, I've NEVER been able to do. So...

Funny how life kind of acts to interfere yet you still get to where you were going. I think the blowing out of my back is going to result in me losing the remainder of my weight in a better, more healthy way, and that my body will be in a better place than it's ever been, both because of the reduced stress on my skeleton and because of learning how to retrain my body's kinetics.

How awesome is that?

Pretty fucking awesome. I've been doing my rehab exercises more regularly now, hence showing up late to work, because there's 45 minutes of weight-resistant poses at home (mostly hijacked from Pilates-type routines) and I HURT FIERCELY after them.

So, yeah, I haven't been doing cardio, but I'm certainly doing lots of stretching and my rehab. It's like doing yoga for three to four hours a week, I guess. Is good.

And I've lost 60 pounds. I'm gonna go wander off grinning now.

FYI? My goal to lose this year was 75 pounds. I told myself I'd be happy with 50, but was secretly ready to make my peace with 40. To get to 60 is kind of like reaching within 20 feet of the top of Everest. It's semantics, as far as I'm concerned, and I'm fucking pleased.

TeddyBears Come to Life: Horrible Story on My Ornament

2008-12-14T10:27:00.000-08:00

My mother had a thing for Victorian-style ornaments. I mean, hey, we had wooden garlands and lace on the tree. I still use them, hung them last night.

One of the ornaments is this 2x2.5-inch book called "The Teddybears Come to Life", and it is a horribly brutal story inside a pretty innocuous-looking little cutesy book with an adorable old-school brown bear with a red bow on the cover, and nothing else.

I've gotten into the habit now of reading the booklet amongst friends when we decorate my tree as a group every year, and it never fails to get gasps and guffaws from all my friends.

It's horrible on two fronts: The writing's fucking awful, and then it's just cruel, too.

And since I've decorated my tree alone this morning, I thought I should keep the sharing tradition alive and share it with all of you. FYI, book's made in Taiwan. The last page in the book is blank, with "Did you enjoy this story?" and space to answer. I'm tempted to fill it out sometime. Try and guess my response.

Without further ado, The Teddybears Come to Life, author unknown:

___________________

Professor Wiseman lately found
A truly wonderful compound
"With this," he cried,
"I believe I could
Put life in a stick of wood!"

Forth rushed the prof to tell his frau
Then up rose Johnny and said, "Now,
I'll take this stuff, while pa's upstairs
And try it on my teddybears."

He gave his teddybears six sips.
You should have seen the little rips!
They bounced six feet up in the air,
As lively as a real live bear.

One fellow seized Pa Wiseman's neck
And made him yell and say, "By heck!
I wish I'd let you all stay dead."
And one caught Johnny by the head.

The baby yelled to beat the band,
And Johnny's ma just said, "My land!"
And fainted dead away six times,
While teddies cut up monkey-shines.

Then out the door the rascals flew,
To find more mischief still to do.
One chased a dog, three climbed a tree.
What more they did was fun to see.

Now Johnny is a funny kid,
He knew some cookies sweet were hid
In a pantry jar, so he slipped away
And left the teddybears at play.

But teddies soon got wise, and you
Can guess how hungry they were too
[For they had already lived a week]
So they followed him and took a peek.

They pushed the door and in it flew--
Six hungry teddies flew in too.
Poor Johnny thought it was the cook,
you should've seen his frightened look.

And how those greedy little elves
Went at the goodies on those shelves!
You see, twas their first chance to do
What you've done your whole life through.

They put more on the outside than in,
They filled themselves clear to the chin,
Then spilled out what they couldn't eat.
That pantry's wreck was most complete.

And now like naughty boys they stand
To taje what cook has in her hand.
Those stars will show you mighty quick
Just what she's doing with the stick.

[So, the final picture's of all these teddybears getting beaten. Sigh. What a depressing Christmas story. Way to get into the spirit of the season, Taiwan.]

And Then There Was Steff. And a Blender.

2008-12-09T20:55:00.000-08:00

I have a new blender. I thought you should know.

I'm so happy!

It's one of my little splurges as a result of the lovely bonus I received for Christmas from Ze Cheeses That Be at work. I plan also to buy 6 months' gym pass. Won't need it in the summer, 'cause, like, I kicked ass and took names this last one, so 6 months'll do sweetly.

I still haven't gotten to the gym in the two weeks that I've been saying I was going to, but I'm not about to beat myself up about it. Life's kinda gruelling right now, and it's all about coping.

Let's face it -- I've been through the ringer since July! Bronchitis for three weeks, felt well for one, insomnia for three weeks, got well for one, worst-eye-infection-ever for two weeks, became well for one, blown out back [with three full weeks completely incapacitated, on the floor] for six weeks, and now here we are, about three weeks after that, and I'm thick into overtime at work now while trying to do the whole "prepare for Christmas" thing whilst also having had to shop to replace my whole wardrobe [not something I can physically do even yet for stretches longer than 90 minutes] after having lost a whopping 50-plus pounds this year [haven't weighed myself since Remembrance Day but my formerly painted-on tight jeans are noticably loose now, hence the "plus"], trying to get my house sorted out after weeks of being incapable of doing ANY cleaning, doing all the appointments I need to do for my back [physio, chiro, massage] and other shit like haircuts and dentists and stuff, and, FUCK, MAN, am I overextended.

I got ELEVEN, maybe TWELVE days off at Christmas, and I'm fucking elated. I need that. I'm barely, barely hanging on here.

Fortunately, though, I'm eating super-healthy compared to my old ways -- most of the time -- as of the last couple weeks, and it's making a big difference. I really want to get some exercise this week, but looks like the weather's going major cold so I'll be bussing a lot anyhow, hence walking more of this ass of mine into oblivion, so the exercise'll come without pushing myself, which is probably wise, given my bosses cannot lose me right now.

It's too bad it's so busy at work right now. I know that if I said, "Well, no, I can't..." they'd understand, but the truth is, I can. It's just real, real hard. But I can get through it, I think. It's hard on everyone, and this too shall pass. In, oh, say 14 days.

Doesn't hurt I make decent money doing it. Rather, that I can bank that time and NOT use vacation time for it. Because fuck knows I've earned the full three weeks off this coming year with all I've accomplished this year. Man, have I. So, yeah, I'll likely use the time bank. We'll see.

Physio was tonight. He's really impressed and happy with my improvement and my performance whilst demonstrating the exercises for him, even though I only did half of what I've been prescribed, and have felt guilty. But I've been so fucking tired that I just can't motivate myself beyond doing what needs to be done for my life and job, you know? Sometimes ass-on-couch seems like the best way to go. Easiest.

Yet still I'm doing it enough to see new toning on my body. I'm trying, however, to be super-conscious of contracting the right muscles when walking, using my core in day-to-day activities, and focusing on structural integrity of motion... all the founding principles behind physiotherapy in the first place.

He's been giving me harder exercises each time, and is thrilled to assign me my first balance ball exercise. Eek! Scawy.

I wasn't feeling very good about my back progress, but, yeah, I guess I forget sometimes just how intensely I was injured. Very, very bad. Worst. Injury. Ever. Poor, poor Steff. Way to heal.

Sometime on the other side of January, the realization will hit me that I'm suddenly feeling strong, fit, and healthy. All at the same time. For the first time ever.

If there's anything this series of chronic sickness and illness (because I've had a variety of candida infections throughout all this) has given me, it's the desire to Never Ever Feel Like This Again.

Fuck injury. Fuck sickness. Fuck fat. Fuck it all. I'm done with it. I'm the victor. Its ass is mine.

This crap couldn't beat me. I'm still down 50 pounds.

Hell, I threw out four bags of fat clothes on Sunday. I replaced my whole wardrobe in the last two weeks (except a few recent purchases from the last three months, but they'll be gone soon, too, as they're now all a size too big, at least, as well!) and Sunday was the day of reckoning.

Fantastic. And I know I've lost my weight the healthy way. My technique and approach, attention to healthy food and eating lotsa veggies and salmon is still improving. A lot! I'm constantly trying to be better. And succeeding.

This Christmas will probably be my best Christmas ever because it's the first time I'll ever get to the other side and say, "Yeah, I did EVERYTHING I set out to do this year. Done. Next?"

After I sleep for a week, of course. :)

***

BTW, hi. So, I've been busy. Will get back into this blog as life settles down, don't you worry your pretty heads. Just can't write these days; don't have the time nor the stillness of mind. With that, outtie.

Invent-a-Supper: Mixed Veg With Italian Sausage and Artichoke Tapenade

2008-12-07T19:05:00.000-08:00

I invent-a-suppered it for dinner tonight. Crap photo, sorry.

Back in the day, that'd mean something with butter and cream. Nowadays, it's with veggies and crazy things like that.

Tonight's? Mixed veg of many kinds, Italian sausage meatballs, and artichoke heart tapenade. Total score!

Here's how it went.

2 hot Italian sausages, meat squeezed out and shaped into 3/4-inch balls
1/2 medium onion, chopped
1/2 medium leek, chopped
1 green pepper
1 red pepper, chopped
1 yellow pepper, chopped
1/2 a medium zucchini
1/2 cup snap peas
1-2 baby bok choys, chopped
8 asparagus stalks, chopped
4 large cloves garlic
1/2 lemon
1/3 cup artichoke tapenade (mine is a President's Choice product here in Canada -- olive oil, artichokes, and parmesan -- you could probably mash 1/3 c canned artichokes with the parmesan [2-1 ratio?], add a little olive oil for texture, lemon juice for kick, and get the same results)

Cook the meatballs until they're good, then reserve until we're there.

In the same saute pan or wok, add a little olive oil. Saute the onions and leeks till the onions are translucent. Add the rest of veggies and garlic. Season with salt and pepper. After the veg start to cook, add the meatballs back in, and keep cooking for a couple minutes, then add your artichoke tapenade in, mix well and cook long enough to warm through. Check your seasoning, add more s+p if needed.

Sprinkle with lemon juice.

Eat and be merry. Mine, I'm being bad and enjoying with roasted potatoes, but it'd probably be great tossed with some pasta, or just served with crusty bread, or something.

A Heady Post on a Heady Subject: Brain Injuries

2008-11-25T21:09:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about head injuries for the last several months.

I frequently work on documentary shows at work and did a doc on brain injuries back in May or June, and it just tripped a switch. My brother's been going through a lot since his accident, which gave him a five-day coma, and has permantly given him brain damage, the extent of which he's only learning now. (Not too intense, but certainly enough.)

I'm beginning to think I should look into these things myself. I've had four concussions, at least, now. One very, very serious one as a result of my scooter accident. I mean, the pressure was so great my hearing aids exploded in my ears. Lots of blood. (Don't know if I got a concussion when I was thrown from that horse or fell down the flight of stairs, or any as a kid, but those would take it beyond six...)

I've learned the hard way over the last couple of years that I think things affected me more than I realized. Well beyond the "I remember about eight things from the first six months" bit I've long been aware of. (Ever had a six-month blackout? I filled a couple journals then, but have never yet read 'em.)

See, there can be periods in your life where you're just living the same thing day after day. Think about it: You're steadily employed doing the same job day after day, you keep the same technology around, you read books a little less, but you're pretty much never really challenged, right? Most of us just have to resume what we did before. If we're a fraction slower down the line, so be it. It's still rote.

It's not until you have to start learning new things, or start interacting more with others, until the scope of brain injury hits you. It's not until I left my job and had to start learning new jobs that I really started to feel like I wasn't keeping up. But I figured, "It's just a new job. It's hard to learn new jobs."

But I used to catch on really quickly. Not that I'm some turtle in a rabbit race or anything, but I notice the difference. I get more confused, too, when people explain things to me. I need things explained a particular way.

Lately, though, I'm starting to wonder if maybe it affected my impulse control. I say and do things sometimes that wind up surprising the hell out of me. It's hard to tell, though, because I've always been a very flippant person, but sometimes I'm completely over the top with it. Still, I've always been predisposed to foot-in-mouth disorder, but it's the tearfulness that I think is the clincher.

See, I've never been a crier. I'm a tough fucking girl. Always have been. "Crying is weak!" But in the last four years, I've cried often and easily. I've had a lot of good reason to, heh, but, still! I have my pride! I'm tough! Ford's built by chumps when compared to Steff Tough, buddy.

Yeah. I dunno. It's been a really strange few months as I've considered this. It never really occurred to me that I could go, this far after the fact, to look into the extent of things... But. I think it's in my advantage to really know. And it's Canada, dude! The government will likely pick up the tab. Otherwise, I'll live without.

But that's kind of been the whole point of this year, right? Learning everything I can about myself so I can know exactly what it is I'm trying to change? Know from whence you've come before you can know where you're going? Know your limits, and push beyond?

Well. I'd be shirking if I didn't look into this, too.

Know thyself, heal thyself. Pretty simple goals, really. I think this would explain a lot for me, though, if I'm right. I've gone through a lot of anger and frustration with myself over certain things in the recent years. Mostly of the "Why in the fuck did I do THAT?" kind of scenario. And when you search and dig and ponder and beg and just never fucking figure it out, there's a shocking clarity that comes from "Why, I think that's it..." realizations, especially when it's just plain old not your fault.

Forgiveness would be a wonderful thing. I'm kind of as far as I can go with forgiving myself, but knowledge that releases you, that it's not your fault, that kind of forgiving of yourself is something money can't buy.

The trouble is, you can't undig this information. Once you know, you know. Once it's in a file, it's in a file. You realize I have a commitment phobia, don't you?

The good thing is, they won't be telling me anything I don't think I already know. Who's kidding who? Bump on the noggin or no, I'm still a smart cookie, and I know myself about as well as anyone ever did. And I know something has changed. A lot has changed for the better, but those things I've noticed.

Knowing won't make it worse, but could make it something I can use, in a way. That's an over-Christmas project, maybe. Getting that ball rolling for next year. Learn me somethin' on me.

A Couple Photos on the Fraser

2008-11-23T13:48:00.001-08:00

Sunset near my home last night.

Yes. I'm actually going to start breaking out the camera from time to time. Finally getting rechargeable batteries for my fucking hog of a camera. :)

Just a willow on the path. I'm a sucker for reflections.

Another sunset shot, same location, through brambles.

Finally, the requisite golden sunset shot. Amazing, all the varying colours in one 30-minute stretch, huh?

Politics and Food: All You Need, and a Little Cleaning

2008-11-23T10:20:00.000-08:00

I honestly think the stock market was completely self-destructing last week because, in an age where media is omnipresent and talking points ubiquitous across all of it, never has a national leader's silence and invisibility been so deafening and hard-to-ignore as President Bush's.

From Washington: Nothing.

On Friday, from Chicago: The promise of the new direction thundered. The leak of Geithner being tapped for Secretary Treasury caused one of the top five market gains in history. If that doesn't say they were waiting for something, anything, in the form of direction, nothing does.

Add to that the incredible smarts behind appointing the guy who the NYT called the one person responsible thus far for keeping this cratering economy from becoming a new Great Depression, and I think things might start stabilizing a bit more. That he's LIVED in five countries that are huge players in today's economy, well, we'll have the first economic leader with a truly international perspective... coupled with, ironically, the first leader with a truly international perspective. In the age of globalisation? Priceless.

Back to the week that was. When the market's responding to genuine reports, that's one thing, but when it's on a roller-coaster emotional ride that ought to be sponsored by Pepto Bismol, there's a need for real direction from the top down. The market's like a sick child sometimes. Sure, medicine helps, but often the thing that really makes the difference is the comforting presence of a watchful parent. However you define Bush, "watchful" certainly doesn't make the cut.

I'm reading Obama's Audacity of Hope after all this time, and I'm getting increasingly hopeful about the years ahead. I'm under no illusions everything's going to sproing back to health in six months. I think it's going to take the entire first term to really get anywhere, despite APEC's probably naive assessment that this recession can be overcome in 18 months.

But I think Americans have gotten a very, very real glimpse of how bad it can get, how fast. I think they're mature enough to understand that it doesn't heal overnight. I'm hopeful about their patience. I think so long as the bleeding stops in the next 6-8 months, and some --ANY-- healing then starts, that they'll be willing to wait it out. It's the "able" to do so that concerns me.

***

I'm cleaning today. Have to return my piece-of-shit phone to the store. Actually, the phone's awesome. I think Telus lacks the ability to support DECT6.0 technology, and they're too big of wankers to admit it. Two DECT6.0 phones failing back to back? Same problems? Hmm. Methinks not the technology. Methinks it's the '90s wiring that can't keep up with new millenium technology.

Telus Fails.

I also plan to do ridiculously tasty things to pork for more meals to get me through my week. I'll need to cycle to the store to return my phone. It's a nice short ride. I think I'll keep it easy and manageable a bit before I start pushing it. My back injury, the scope of the immobility I suffered, well... it leaves me very, very cautious and nervous. Until it's 100%, I'm going to be scared. And even then I suspect The Fear will linger. Never has any injury so impacted my life from top down as the back injury. Knee? Fucking child's play in comparison. Head injury, well, that's a different matter. Still.

The fallout of my back problems continues. I've been suffering infection after infection of late, mostly of the candida variety, and I think it's entirely diet-related. The back woes made it impossible for me to eat as well as anyone should. I was constantly eating crap for the sake of ease, all processed. It's gutted me. I'm so fucked up from all the white flour and crap I've been eating. I'm tired, I'm blah.

I've lost FIFTY POUNDS this year. From being healthy! From living well! To have gone completely 180 for six weeks just killed me, but I've never had anything so glaringly affirm for me all the ways in which I've gone wrong. I know now how destructive diet can be, I've seen the bookending spectrum of what food does from the inside out, and I have learned from the errors of my way.

But I've been working hard to eat well for a few days now. No white flour, more seafood, more veggies. No butter.

I'm getting militant on the food thing. I'm pissed off, angry as fuck I've been reduced to feeling this crappy for this long, and I know -- I KNOW -- it's in my power to change; I just haven't done it.

Ironically, it was this time last year I gained the initial motivation to change myself. That worked out well. Now I have a new motivation to stop feeling like shit. This, too, will work out well. If there's anything I've gained in the last year, it's the awareness that I really do have license to kick ass and take names... if I really aim for that.

I made a fantastic ragout last night, for instance, and instead of just doing the onions-peppers mix I always do, I added carrots and zucchini and other stuff. Very hearty but more healthy. I had it with a brown-rice pasta I found at one of the better veggie stands, and it's pretty damned good. Nothing like the handmade Italian pasta I so love, but it's comparable to your standard Grocery Store durum/semolina pasta like Catelli, but it's got no flour or egg or anything like that. Brown rice, bran, water. Very, very healthy. Filling, too! I've had brown rice pasta before, and it's always sucked. Tinkyada's "Pasta Joy" brand, though, is a win. (Canadian, so good luck with that, Americans.)

Tonight it's a Mexican pork casserole with lots of tomatoes, veggies, quinoa, seasonings, and pork. Fat? Not so much. It'll be great. Had it a couple months or so ago and it's easily one of the nicest casseroles I've made in a long time. That it's healthy? Total score. Uberfilling? Ultrascore! (Original recipe called for white rice, but I use quinoa 'cos it's such a healthy option and tastes the same but nuttier. :)

It seems like I'm never gonna get fucking caught up after the whole back-injury bullshit, but I'm slowly getting there. Finally winning the war against cockroaches, for instance. Haven't seen any for about three days. GREAT news. Slow but sure. I've been totally sterilizing twice a day. Working very nicely. And my floor's cleaner than it's probably been in 20 years. Looks incredible. Bleaching has done wonders.

I hate all the chemicals, but I hate the bugs more. As soon as it's all in check, then I go to biodegradable products, which always did the trick before FUCKHEAD moved in with his bug collection. Jesus. :P

Anyhow, back to the fun of cleaning. At least I can now get caught up on cleaning whilst making good food each weekend day so I'll get to live healthier after work all week long. So, yeah, some progress... still slow. But progress. :)

[And... when I succeed with the total-diet-makeover? All this grief, suffering, and discomfort will have been worth it. It's the achievement of a lifelong desire. I've never had this level of motivation before. THIS, well, you can't manufacture or call to being this kind of motivation. It needs to become imposed upon you through happenstance and consequence. It's reactionary change called into being through necessity. Kind of like the vote for change in America. The situation required it, and the people responded. Fun.]

Quickie Update.

2008-11-18T09:25:00.000-08:00

My father informs me I've gone two weeks without updating. Whups.

I'll get to it. Just a quickie hi. I've got to shower and get to work. Slept 10 hours last night, first time I've had more than six hours in about two months. LOVE that.

Life's improving quickly. My back is improving. I'm inundated after weeks of immobility and pain -- playing catch-up with life is a hard thing to do when you've been unable to do much at all for a long time.

But I'm slowly catching up. Another week or two and I'll be where I need to be.

There hasn't been much to report. Pain doesn't improve in leaps and bounds. Injuries are slow and tedious. Struggle takes time to pass. I haven't had much worth saying. Life's required doing, not reflecting, of late, and that's the way the blogging cookie crumbles.

I found I got into a horribly negative place in the whole back deal. Pain puts me in a bad place short-term, but living in constant total-body pain is a crippling ordeal. Better people than me survive it, because god knows I wasn't fond of who it made me become. Goodness.

Anyhow. I'm far from 100% and have been told this will take two months to surpass -- two months from now. So this will be the better part of a third of a year of my life before I'm through, but the physiotherapist says I'll be stronger, more balanced, and able to do the complicated yoga poses that have always eluded me in about three months if I do everything he says.

But it's gonna take a lot of work.

On the up-side: I cycled 9km on Sunday. It felt rough at times, but it happened, I survived it, and I'm happy. :)

Now I gotta work. Jetting, baby. Bus time. Leaving way late because the thought of 80 kids crammed on the bus to get to school makes me violently ill. I'm clearly getting old. Ha!

Today's the Day

2008-11-04T09:10:00.001-08:00

I've been an Obama fan since he spoke at the 2004 DNC.

I saw him electrify the audience and I wistfully thought, "Wow, wouldn't it be awesome if this guy ran for prez one day? Someone dreaming the bigger dream? Yeah. Fat chance of that."

And when he announced he'd be running in '06, I thought, "Well, it'll make for interesting discussion points on the trail. Too bad he won't get far."

Then Iowa happened in January. I thought, "Fuck. Are you serious? Dude's got a chance? WHITE PEOPLE will vote for him in white America too? Maybe this is the time... Maybe this is the year we finally get leadership with vision, leadership with hope. Well, there's a chance at least..."

But I didn't think he could ultimately trump Hillary. And then her campaign took a seriously wrong turn, his caught fire, and it's looking like the rest is history.

Either way tonight, I'll be crying. My folks raised me to accept others, to never look at skin colour, to never judge people on appearances but instead who they are and what they offer. My father gave me history books on the Underground Railway used by slaves escaping to Canada when I was as young as 12.

I was told the story of the time my folks were looking for a way out of someplace in New York state back in the early '60s and my father tells me of when he walked into an all-black diner back then, oblivious, and asked where to go, and every mouth stopped flappin', every eye laid on him, and he said when he got outta there he'd never been so scared in his life.

But we never had that division in Canada. We never had the us-versus-them mentality be as prevalent as it is down south. It's always broken my heart to see the racial divide so great in America.

And now, here we are, at a turning point in the western world. An election that stands to change it all.

And in 12 hours we'll know who's won.

I'm so proud of America today, for taking the chance and embracing someone truly offering something different to the mix. What an exciting time to be alive... on a day when history is truly being written.

Some of us wait lifetimes for moments like these, and I'm enjoying this as best I can.

Oh, Praise Be! Yay Me!

2008-11-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

Well, my back's still pretty gimpy, but I'm a couple hours out from a chiropractor's appointment, and I'm going to feel much better after that.

Especially since I've just found out I'm approved for the loan I've requested this week.

This means: A good new bed, new couch, a wardrobe for my new lighter, trimmer self, gear for my scooter and winter cycling, runners, a new helmet, and more, as well as erasing all my other debt, including all my behind-the-eight-ball ever-escalating utility bills.

Included in the loan was a request for $1,500 to spend on massage, acupuncture, and chiropractic for my back between now and the year end -- so I can max out my entitlements under my extended health plan, which means I'll get a cool 80% of that back in the coming months.

Today I'm headed to Costco to stock up on meats and fish while the money is flush. All my utilities will go back to zero this month, and despite taking on debt, I'll be adjusting my income by about $400 a month. That's a lot, when you're in my income bracket.

And it's a fuck of a lot of stress off the shoulders of this Steff. :) Now the trick'll be continuing to live under THIS budget with THAT surplus. I think I can do it. I won't need to buy all these things, so, why not?

I'll continue being busy for a week or so as I attempt to find a couch. I'll be leaving for work early Monday, by bus, so I can visit all the Broadway sleep galleries to see what works for me. The sooner I get a new bed, the better for my health, life, and sanity. Mine is fucking destroying me.

I'm so relieved I could cry. I gotta tell you, I'm proud that I've been all grown-up and have requested money only for things I truly, truly need right now, or that benefits me financially for the longterm.

So, yeah, finally... a chiropractor appointment this afternoon, which I had to cancel for one of the weeknights this past week and I've been regretting cancelling ever since, and I get to look forward to the fact that I can actually AFFORD to see a masseuse on Tuesday, and I'll be buying some acupuncture and seeing a physiotherapist, and more. I've been doing everything in my power to heal my back... but this has become a problem I really must throw money at.

And now I can. Even better? I'll get the money back. Yay. Within a couple of weeks, my life is going to be in a whole new place. :) Yay.

Yay, fucking yay. Sigh. I've earned a little reprieve, man.

More about me and my back, joy

2008-10-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

Hey. Whew. It's Monday. I'm nervous. Off to work again today.

However, today I woke up with my back feeling better than it has in the morning for a while. I took my high-power painkiller before bed, which seems smarter than before work, since now I'm in a better place before the day even starts.

I also have completely changed how I'm doing my mornings. See, I was getting up, coming out to the living room, lying down, doing lots of stretching, then showering, heading to work by bus. Along the way, my back would get fucked up. I thought, well, that's not been working. So, today I got up, showered, went for a walk, came home, stretched, now I'll eat, then I'll scoot to work, and we'll see if the change in routine helps too.

Plus, I'm finally able to do some situps and pelvic thrusts -- hugely important to getting over this. I'm stabilizing from the inside out.

Taking the time off without pay (well, without pay for several weeks) was a really wise choice, I think. I believe it's all going to sort out, I'm working on the money thing with creative solutions, I'm hoping everything sorts out. But it feels like the end of the worst chapter of all this. Things feel different inside my back, it's promising. I'm certainly more stable and not going out of joint as harshly as I had been, and my fluctuations are less severe -- I still go wonky but not as badly.

I can handle some pain. I'm tough. I can get through this.

Still gotta chat with the bank, finish a bunch of paperwork on my diability claim, and all that, but I'm hoping this week goes as well as I have my fingers crossed it will.

Last night, also, I started coming down with a cold during the afternoon. I decided to do the pouring-warm-saltwater-up-nose trick I saw on Oprah and my head's as clear as a summer day today. WHEW. Because THAT would've been just what I needed -- a cold, all that coughing fucking my back up again...

But I think I'm past that, too. Whew. Anyhow. Better place. Let's hope this holds up.

The State of the Steffs Report

2008-10-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

Well, every morning I was getting up, stretching lots to negate the damage working for a whole day would do to my back, then I'd rest a bit, get up, and invariably whilst getting dressed and/or onto the bus, something would happen, and I'd arrive at work in pain again after what would have been a nice night beforehand.

Yesterday and today I've been barely stretching, and my back is settling down. I haven't gone for a walk yet today but I will soon. It seems to be helping. Hopefully if I continue my passive approach for another couple of days, things will be better. Also, have my scooter back from the shop finally, so no more hoisting anything. I was carrying at most 5 pounds at any time, and even that was just killer. And with no transport? Oy!

So, good, good, good to have the scoot back.

But can I tell you how saddened I've been to miss this nice fall? Oh my god. I remember Halloweens being -5 celsius when I was a kid. It's 11 degrees! INSANE!

But soon I shall be better. And I shall continue losing weight. I shall be strong. I shall get a couch and a bed, I hope, should a loan get approved in this tightening credit crunch and all. I shall never, ever experience this sort of ordeal again. I am NOT going to be a "back pain" sufferer. I know what to do, I shall do it, and I will be victorious.

In other news, heard some daunting sadness for my brother today -- an old friend has been reported missing since October 10th. What can you say about that? Not much. Hope he's found. But he's in his late 30s, and has no real health issues, so it's natural to assume the worst. Which fucking sucks.

This is the second friend of my bro's to have mysteriously vanished. The last disappeared 14 years ago and has never been found in any way. Blah.

Here's hoping you're around someplace, John.

Meanwhile... aside from my apartment having no hot water (they're on it), my bro's friend missing, my back still gimping, I'm doing pretty good. I'm just taking it easy, doing absolutely nothing, lying around, and passively stretching every couple hours, walking two or three times in a 1-2km circuit in my hood.

If I continue to improve this much each day, I should be able to work on Monday. That would be fan-fucking-tastic. I like my job most of the time. (Everyone gets sick of it sometimes, right? After all, deep down inside I should be living in a coastal shack and writing every day for the rest of my life.)

Besides the fact that I CANNOT AFFORD to take this time off, but have decided I just cannot live being in that much pain when it's work that's the only thing causing the pain, so I'm taking the gamble that I'll somehow come up with the magical $500 this is costing me. (I get the money down the line, but "down the line" doesn't pay rent on November 1st, nor the groceries I'll require on top of that.)

I like contributing. I like the people I get to see at work. It's not the bane of my existence. Some time off is nice, but this is ridiculous. And it's such pointless time off. I lie down. On the floor. I watch the news. Around me, things get messy. Nothing gets accomplished. I see no one. I look awful for long stretches. And I can't go anywhere. I don't even like the effort required to put a movie on.

THIS really sucks. It's boring as fucking hell. I've tweeted 3,000 times since I've been gimped. I'm suddenly in the "Twitter Elite" for Vancouver. It's sad and pathetic and I want a life.

But I'm feeling very relaxed about it. Ahahaha. Yeah.

If there's anything to gain from this, it's being relaxed. Or is that just the slow erosion of muscle tone I'm feeling?

Whatever. It is what it is, and won't be that for much longer. I can feel it in my bones. Literally. :P

Back Update and HEY, LOOK, Traffic!

2008-10-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

Finishing my granola and coffee, taking a boo at my new bloggie. Dreading tonight. I'm at the point now where the only thing that really hurts my back is lifting or sitting. Even lifting I can kind of do, but sitting still sucks. I'll be getting more painkillers tonight from the doc, so that work will be manageable until next week sometime. I think this will settle down completely within the week, though, thank god.

The dread, though, is because I have to clean my kitchen. It should only take a half hour or so, it's small, but I need to do the floor and the broom closet. Because I've been sprawled on my back and unable to do anything, my place has been getting increasingly filthy, even though I've tried to wash my dishes each day and stuff. It's the floor -- the floor hasn't been done in three weeks, not really thoroughly. That's when I began my battle against the cockroaches.

WELL, being unable to be a cleaning fiend is about the worst thing that can happen when you're fighting bugs. The roaches have been reappearing. I think they're coming from the broom closet now. I think they're enjoying my dirty floor. So I'm going to clean it really well with my Swiffer. I'll use a half-dozen cloths on my floor and in the broom closet, and sterilize it with a spray of Lysol after.

The last thing I need is to be creeped out of lying on the floor while I'm continuing to rehab my back. Jesus. So, I'll be all passive about it. The walking I was doing yesterday seemed to help loosen my back up a bit, as much as it wasn't very fun to do, so I think a little bit of light housework with lots of stretching before, during, and after would be a little beneficial. I know how to be cautious about it. But I need these fucking bugs to FUCK OFF.

***

Anyhow! I think I mentioned I've spiffed up the old blog of mine, got a hot new template, and I've been writing pretty incendiary political stuff of late, and I'm now getting twice as many hits and page views as I was just two months ago, quadruple my traffic of a year ago, but only 40% of what I used to make. But that's okay!

It seems that Wordpress IS, as I suspected, better at getting picked up in web searches than Blogger is. My search page-lands are escalating a bit. I installed the Wassup widget, which allows me to watch real-time traffic on the blog (how addictive is that?) so I can see what people are reading. Also, I'm getting now about 6% of my traffic from Twitter. Not too shabby.

But I'm pretty chuffed, as the Brits would say, that I've succeeded in taking my traffic up a bunch, and I think the move is helping. I think, as I continue to re-tag and categorize my archival postings (which is on hold until the domain finally transfers and we move the blog back to its right home and change all the DNS pointings), that I will continue to place higher and higher in search finds, because I'm being SO thorough on my tags and categorizing.

I've also downloaded an SEO tool for the blog, so I'm going to read up on Search Engine Optimizing this weekend, and start doing THAT on all the blog posts, too. So, I expect that I will finally be using all the power the web offers me for harnessing search engine power and maximizing my hits.

I mean, I don't need to worry about the writing. I'm back on that front. I mean, fuck, I've been having a blast in my last two political rants. "No, tell us what you really believe, Steff." It shows I'm having fun. THAT is what I have been looking for. THAT is what I have wanted back in my writing.

Well, it's back. Fun. There it is. Fun! Reading a writer who's actually having a good time writing is a wholly different and more enjoyable reading experience. I think I do perspective and internalization well in writing, but I love it when I do "fun" well. It's pretty rare. They come in clumps of three to six months, if I'm lucky. It's generally a signal for when my life as a whole comes together in a more positive way.

All my problems of late -- the back, the eye, the bronchitis, the bugs -- they all have real, authentic causes pertaining to actual situations in my life. It's not like life continually shits on me. The back, the eye, the bronchitis, my workouts, my diet, ALL of that is interconnected, so it was just a shitty domino, but having 10 days off to just REST and be on your back and think and find things to appreciate in life and set goals, WELL... that's a good thing to have before you move on to a new phase.

But none of it has gotten me down. I've had down days, yeah, sure, but the mood always passes. And, usually, it's only a down morning or afternoon, it seldom lasts for more than a few hours now. This is good!

Note to universe: I win. Go pick a different sap to play victim.

But being on my back to get my blog done is a fucking huge accomplishment. If that's the ONLY thing I accomplished in 10 days, if it's the ONLY positive I had in all that time, you know what? I'll take it. I've been meaning to do this for two years.

And since I'm now back in every sense, it's a really fucking exciting time to have it happen. I'm stunned at how good it is for traffic already. Things are gonna get fun.

Well, time for some more painkillers and off to work. FUN. Ugh. Blah. :) Sitting for hours. Sigh. I'm not going to spin that one in a sunshiny way. Heh.

Car-use of cellphones to be blocked with this in-car software!

2008-10-14T23:33:00.000-07:00

FUCKING BRILLIANT!

For such a small country population-wise, we sure come up with cool inventions.

As a scooter rider who's sick of experiencing first-hand how fucking bad all of you are at driving while on cellphones, I'm HAPPY-DANCING.

(In my mind, because gimp girl's on her back still. :)

State of the Steff and Her Gimp Back

2008-10-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

Let's preface this with: I'm still on painkillers. But...

Things are starting to settle down a little. Finally. Fucking finally. I'm able to do all the more intense stretches now for the low back. Holy FUCK have I been tight.

I'm still tight. I still keep slipping out of joint in the low back. But it's really starting to improve. I'm stable more frequently and for longer, and getting stable is easier than it has been.

I really want to get back to work Tuesday so I've got one remaining sick day as insurance. But given the last couple months I'd REALLY like to see that one go to waste. Seriously. Fuck, man. I'm DONE. I WON. You HAVE NOT BEAT ME, universe. Now fuck off and take the beating like a man. 'Cause I have survived.

I swear, I hear Gloria Gaynor. Take that!

In good news, I'm sitting up a little more, often an hour or more, then I retreat to the floor again. Sitting I need to obviously be able to do by Tuesday.

I'm now stretching my hamstrings and quads a lot because they're now the problem. But that's okay... I expected this. I just wasn't ABLE to do these stretches. I was so tight I was at risk of doing something very, very bad to my back, I had to let it settle down naturally. I know that much about my body at least. Never have I had "DON'T GO THERE" screaming at me as I have this past week.

Definitely the most debilitating pain of my life. I would be quite, quite happy to never experience that again.

During the lay-down, off-time period, one major accomplishment has happened. Someone has been monkeying with my other site for me for the last week, and things are now all hung up on chaos at the hosting companies. Frankly, it's a "telescopic rifle from the bell tower" moment, but I'm chilling nicely as I just wait it the fuck out. It's probably the addictive painkillers my doc hurtled at me. They're keeping me mellow.

But it's also completely out of my hand. Instead, while I'm lying on my back in boring TV shows, I tinker with the archives as I clean up all the postings brought over to Word Press sans tags and categories and with different URLs. It's slow mindless work, better than surfing the web, and I take lots of breaks. I think it took me maybe two hours over the course of an afternoon and evening to tweak the template. The new banner took 15 minutes. It's been very easy, surprisingly.

I've improved the look of my blog by a thousand percent. It's also a far more sophisticated archival system, and with 900 posts and more than 5,000 comments, I can use that!

There's my lay-me-down signal from the back again, so this spell of sitting's over. Ha, settled down again already.

But know this, people: Things are looking up. Heck, I'm getting vertical sometimes! Wahoo. And I don't waddle much when I walk anymore. Snap!

Um, okay. Yes, well, looking good, but a ways to go just yet. Now my feet are asleep. Fuck I want to exercise and get out of my house!

INSANITY. Like I say, mellow about it. Weird. And a little too well-fed on convenience foods of late, too. Sigh. Heh. That's okay. YOU try getting through a week like mine, on your back, bored out of your fucking mind, without a little emotional eating.

Mm. Emotional snacks are the tastiest. You know it!

[OH! Doctor says DO NOT STOP doing the stairs. Just do them better and stretch more. I think the problem was a weight-lifting repetition I was doing, though, now that I've got hindsight and know exactly where all the problem stemmed from. It's the weights, but was exacerbated by stairs and bike. Have no fear. I shall overcome! By the end of the week, right as rain. Fingers crossed. I've bought the Advil and Robaxacet. Heh.]

OMG OMG OMG! Got bent!

2008-10-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

OMG, was able to bend over and get something off the floor without seizing up in utter pain just now. For the first time in days, stretching seems to be starting to work. Still ridiculously tight and slow moving, but being able to bend without my left hip locking up, too, was new... Sure, it took me 30 seconds, but, hey! Baby steps.

No improvement yet has lasted more than an hour or two so we'll see how this goes overnight but I'm hoping the bending thing bodes well.

Of course, it's taken a hell of a lot of drugs to get my body to begin loosening up. I think an elephant would feel light-headed. Hence why I'm still on the couch and keep turning off the television every 15 minutes when things begin feeling weird again.

More Furthererer Adventures of Baby Got Back

2008-10-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

I was at the doctor's office. I had taken the bus because I'm broke off my ass and didn't know how much the meds would cost that he'd prescribe me would be. I have never endured anything more painful probably in my life. Seriously. I *cried* walking up the alleyway.

I knew it was going to be bad, but that was over the top.

I got to my doc's appointment and was laying on his patient's table when he came in, and his jaw drops and he goes,"What happened to you?!"

So, I tell him. Right away he checks my reflexes, which are spot on. Good, no ruptured discs.

Then, "So, what are you taking for this? What are you on?"

"Um, just Costco over-the-coun--"

"No! No! Ohh," he groans, rubbing his eyes in disbelief. Then he blurts, "You need drugs! Strong drugs! A lot of them. It's going to be expensive."

"Well, I'm kinda brok--"

"Hang on a minute."

He rushes out, five minutes later he's back with a medium paper gift bag, full of three different drugs. Two boxes/10 days of Tridural, an opioide analgesic (can you say narcotic?) and "professional strength" Advil and extra strength Robaxacet. All in all, he probably gave me $80 or so of drugs, if not more.

To tell the truth, I've cried repeatedly from pain in the last few days, but you try psyching yourself up to leave the apartment when it means dealing with 4 flights of stairs and a major back problem.

I took the bus there, because I was somewhat broke and figured the cab would be twice as expensive thanks to all the Olympics construction in town... and my god was that a bad experience.

Fortunately I had patient bus drivers and kneeling buses. I only ultimately walked about a total of 4 blocks over the day, but I also hit up a bank and Steamrollers for a couple burritos to get me through the day for food.

With all the drugs given to me for free, I was able to take a cab home. I was giggling I was so giddy when I saw the cab pull curbside. As soon as I hopped into the back seat I popped one of the narcotic badboys, Tridural, which had me woozy and tripping within 30 blocks.

It's funny, I'm certainly not adverse to pot, but I don't do chemicals of any kind, really. I've taken Tylenol 3 before during all my varied accident rehab experiences, but I've never taken any stronger of a drug. I barely even take Tylenol for headaches. It has to be BAD before I take something. I've got Costco's over-the-counter painkiller that's essentially just Extra-extra-strength, but not harsh, and I usually use it only after killer workouts to prevent tension headaches from springing up, which they would otherwise.

These, though, are some serious pills. I'm wary of using something so addictive as an opioide analgesic, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I've cried REPEATEDLY from pain in the last few days. I don't cry from pain! I never cry from pain! I'm tougher than most people will ever be, after being tossed from a horse, being in several totalled car accidents, and all that shit. I mean, I know pain. I can handle pain! And this, baby, made me its bitch. I cried like a girl. Several times a day.

At least that's over with; this is manageable pain. I look forward to it subsiding enough that I can get off the harsh stuff, but until then? I'm a fan.

I'm still very movement challenged, very slow, and unable to maintain any one position at length, but at least I'm not in constant excruciating worst-pain-in-my-accident-riddled-life pain. I'm in harsh pain still, but it's a whole other galaxy of it. Believe me, this is not about mere semantics.

Whew. Well, time to lie down again. This post was written over the last 12 hours. Weird for someone who writes so fast. Not a week for blogging, friends.

Futherer Adventures

2008-10-06T17:53:00.000-07:00

Dreading walking down and up stairs tomorrow. Have all of 12" height in ability to pick up legs today.

Have to walk about 4 blocks with bus transfering tomorrow, too, and 4 flights of stairs. Sigh.

Ugh. Sometimes it really blows not having a car. Looking forwards to chat with the Doc, but mostly to behind-the-counter painkillers that'll knock me out. Ay yay yay. Rest seems the thing for the back. Activity tomorrow is quel dreaded.

I have never in my life requested powerful painkillers. I was thrown off a motorcycle. I landed on my head. I've been thrown from a horse mid-jump. I have never requested powerful painkillers. I have always stopped at Tylenol 3.

Tomorrow I'm fucking demanding them. Now I want more. Sigh.

The Continuing Adventures of Baby Got Back

2008-10-06T07:55:00.000-07:00

Oh, I hurt, hurt, hurt. Sigh. Mornings are the worst for back pain anyhow.

I've been up since 6. I've iced, stretched, and massaged myself already. I just finished eating. Soon I'll lie down again. Sigh.

One of my readers, DP, sent me a link for an injury yesterday and I dismissed it, saying "Oh, no, my legs don't have pain..." They don't, really, but they're super-inflamed. So, when I began massaging yesterday, i began being able to better define areas of pain. Turns out the reader's smack-dab right.

So, I have a common ailment of mountain climbers and distance cyclists. It's a sports injury. Wikipedia suggests it can take a couple of weeks to settle down. Oy vey.

Well, I'm not sure if this morning's worse or better than yesterday. I woke up with less pain yesterday but segued into worse pain quickly. This morning, woke up in more pain but it has maintained and/or periodically lessened over the last couple hours. So what does that mean? Fucked if I know!

IN OTHER NEWS.

Last week my aunt sent me a raincoat -- a nice waterproof one, peach-coloured, that fits me like a glove. It's an XL. But you know what? I haven't fit in a regular off-the-rack XL since I entered college in 1991. :)

Seriously! 17 years! FUCKING A. And my friend's mom saw me for the first time in a few years this weekend, outside a store apparently, and told him that I'd lost a lot of weight.

Fantastic. People who haven't seen me in years are noticing? AWESOME. Yay ME.

I guess having cycled as much as I have, climbed as many stairs as I have, over the last few months -- having lost 50 pounds while still often eating piggishly, heh... well, my thigh muscles must be Stronger Than Anyone In The World! Hence this fucking annoying back problem. God.

Massaging my legs last night was illuminating. That's not fat --that's MUSCLE. I had no idea they were this overdeveloped. Holy shit. Holy TENSE, Batman.

Zero quality of life going on here, wow. Blah. :P

Well, at least I can cheer up and watch the markets recover from last week's chaos. Oh, the Dow's down 500 points? Well, I'll be over here hiding under my blanket a while then. :P

[Funnily... I expect to get neck and shoulder spasms from all the massaging I'll be doing... But I can live with neck and shoulder spasms! Hell, I can WORK with neck and shoulder spasms. I have, often! And I'd rather that. This back shit, though, fuck this. If it takes neck and shoulder pain, that's a price I'm willing to pay. Jesus.]

Baby Got Back

2008-10-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

So, I go and put my back out again this morning -- the muscles OPPOSITE the muscles I've been exercising got overtight, so ANOTHER area slipped out of place.

I think it's slipped back in... I'm hoping so anyhow. Been a couple hours or so, and it's a little less painful to stand and I'm not radiating as much pain when I sit. I think I'm going to lay off the stretching a couple hours and ice once more before I do it again around 8, and do it more gently this time. I'm stretching my quads, hamstrings, and hips equally now, but all for much much longer than normal.

What else can a girl do eh? Ugh. Fuck. Welcome to 35, indeed. Wow.

And as frustrated and tired as I am, I realize this is all just part of a domino effect, and it's not getting me down.

I got really sick in July from drinking milk, right? And at the beginning of August I went off my antidepressants, so suddenly I had both calcium deficiencies and a need to take more vitamin B-- but, those lacks combined, well, I got bad insomnia for two weeks. Bad insomnia led to getting an eye infection, and all these things combined resulted in me getting out of the mode of exercising regularly. So, naturally I decided to exercise to kick off fall, but wham -- I went from sedentary to active, and while my lungs and energy could handle the exercise, the yo-yo threw off my body.

Hence the mess I'm in. But, whatever. Rains, it pours, sometimes. Doesn't mean I'm some victim; means there's something to this "math" thing. It all adds up.

So, here I am. Dealing. This too will pass. Now, where's the ice?

Making the Switch, Finally

2008-10-04T17:29:00.000-07:00

Spread the word, folks, if you read my other blog, it's going to be a few days before you see a new posting. Check back maybe Monday night or Tuesday night.

Sitting around in agonizing back pain yesterday, I spitballed the idea of people helping me through Twitter to transfer to WordPress, but then things went wonky. My hosting company, webhostingcanada.org, took nearly 20 hours to respond to an email for help, as is their typical idiocy, so I've signed up for new hosting. So, everything will get complicated.

Fortunately, I did none of the work, since someone was doing all the fiddling for me, so I got to lie around on my back, but whatever. Soon I/we shall finally have made the switch.

In the meantime, something did get fucked, so I can't publish or update until this is all solved. LAME.

Means I'll be getting cracking on doing a new template, but right now it's just going to be a stock WordPress theme since the last thing I want to be doing is sitting doing coding for hours.

Meanwhile, my back is still fucked. Time to take more painkillers. I suspect it'll settle down overnight. I'm hoping, that is, that it will.

Speaking of which, time for a warm shower and some stretching.

Back Problems and Perspective

2008-10-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

I'm gettin' REAL tired of not feeling like myself.

A week of back problems has culminated with it going WAY out today. It's sort of back in, but it's real fucking sore. Radiating pain from the lumbar region.

It'll settle down, I'm sure. Sadly my chiropractor's off on Fridays but I've gotten in bright and early for tomorrow, 10am, so I'm going to get up at 7, have a hot bath, stretch, ice, have a hot bath, ice, and then head to see him. God. Exciting Saturday, no?

I suspect it's several reasons it's gone out. One, I climbed the stairs last week, and I was stiff as shit. I tried stretching often, and for what I perceived to be enough time, and thought I was doing fine by Saturday, then Saturday something just tweaked and got uncomfortable. But I stretched it out and it seemed okay. Then I had company stay with me, they got my bed, and I got the couch. Not good.

But it wasn't bad, just uncomfortable.

Working, however, changed that. Nothing quite like being seated for several hours to screw with your low back. But, you know, I plodded through work, trying to take some painkillers each day, stretching in the morning, when I got home, and before bed. All it did was maintain the status quo, not solve it.

Then this morning, schwing, out it goes. Bad enough that I was in tears on the phone when calling in sick for work. Which made me feel like a loser, but shit happens.

It settled down (by that I mean: hurt a lot but not enough to have me in tears, plus something seemed to go back into place, so that it was muscular and not skeletal, which means it's more likely to start getting resolved) and I figured a bike ride would probably help to "reset" the muscles and take the pressure off...

So, I tried that. For a while afterwards, it sort of did help, but only because I literally spent an hour stretching hamstrings.

But now it's back to the same it was before the ride. I'm on the floor, not lying down because I just ate, but I'll be horizontal before long again, I'm sure.

Whatever. This too shall pass.

I suspect the causes are a few: It's been a stressful few weeks, so I've had things to deal with and haven't been as active. I slept on the couch a couple times too many. I haven't been doing ab exercises, which help keep the low back in shape. I've been sitting on a shitty chair at my computer desk, and since I saw a cockroach by my desk last week, I've been all freaked out about having my feet too far under it, so I've been sitting back a bit, and I guess the posture was worse than I thought.

In any case, I'll be dealing with all of those "causes" and it'll be all right soon. By Monday I should have settled down. I'm doing *EVERYTHING* right, and that's all I can do.

But it's still real fucking annoying.

Gained a little perspective when I was bitching about it this morning, though...

A woman whose blog I've just started reading, it turns out she's got maybe a month to live because she's got some unmentioned kind of cancer. Her husband's taking time off to be with her, she's got kids, and she says that in four weeks she's either gonna be here, or she's gonna be a miracle.

Well, as annoying as my back is... I'm fortunate in so many ways. I know it. I'm grateful for it.

And this too shall pass.

Her cancer, however, probably won't.

A little perspective can do us all some good.

Morning Bitch Session

2008-10-01T10:09:00.001-07:00

Sigh, I've been having back problems since Saturday. Very unstable in my low back, screwing with my right hip. I'm at home with an ice bag on it right now, and will have to suck it up and head into work quickly here, but I'm waiting a few more minutes for my laundry to finish -- which I forgot to put in the dryer.

Sigh. SIGH.

And I'm tired of American coverage of "high gas prices" when our at-par dollar yields a tank that's nearly $2 a gallon higher than America's average price. Around $5.10 a gallon here right now. Hell, my scooter? Cost me $3.10 to fill up when I bought it, nearly $8 now. Crazy, hey? Madness. And it pisses me the fuck off that we're not regulating prices here more. I can't imagine what sucking that price up as a car owner is like.

God, I really need to ice myself down a lot tonight. I feel inflamed all over my body. Ow. This sucks!

I'm probably going to go pick my old desk chair up @ GayBoy's tonight. I think the majority of my problem is how I'm sitting at my desk right now for writing and stuff, so I need to have a better seating arrangement or else I have to cut back on the writing for a while. I'm using my laptop in a different chair right now, for example, but considering my laptop's missing a few keys and is slower than molasses, I hate writing on it. Gah!

Whine, whine, whine. Bitch, bitch, bitch. :)

Okay, laundry's done in three minutes, then I shower and skedaddle.

Some Pictures from Today

2008-09-30T20:49:00.000-07:00

I left work early to snap a few shots on what's probably the last real day of summer, albeit the forecast is nice tomorrow, too. But that's October. Today's September. :)

This tree is right as you exit the girl's washroom on Queen Elizabeth Park/Little Mountain. And I've always, always, always loved it, and I've shot it before, but something worked today.

I left before sunset, but the sky's changing hue ever so slightly, and I loved the moody look on the horizon from Little Mountain/QE Park.

[Non-locals: QE Park is an old, old park on a little mountain (hence why locals call it Little Mountain... since all the mountains off to the right are 4,000 feet or so and this one's paltry, but offers some of the best sunset views of the city, which is to the right and out of view, with about 2 million people around.]

This one's closer to home, where I live on the Fraser River. I love it when clouds part ever so slightly and light dances on water.

My scooter, not-so-hidden on a not-so-off-the-beaten-path, parked for convenience out of the troublesome eye of parking enforcement, looking fantastic with all those fall colours.

2008-09-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

I'm older and allegedly wiser after having had my 35th birthday yesterday.

I at once confirmed yet resisted the "wiser" thing by sacrificing yet another hour's pay to better enjoy this, the last real day of summer.

And I'm fucking thrilled I did.

I'll post a few pictures sometime this week. Nothing spectacular, but hey.

A Smattering

2008-09-25T20:59:00.001-07:00

My scooter is HAPPY for the first time in a long time. Let's hope it stays that way.

By long time, I think I mean about two years. I'm so goddamned relieved. You don't know how unpleasant it is to know every time you're on your scooter that someone's going to get pissed you're going so slow. In a world of road rage, that's not fun.

Now I have power again and all the old speed. With power comes safety, because I can react faster and better to dangerous situations. Fantastic.

So. Much. Relief. About. That.

It's been harrowing at times. It's been summer, so I've opted to cycle a lot partly for that reason. I have not been "leisure riding" my scooter at all this year. It's been too dangerous, really, at times. Not any more!

***
My favourite aunt is visiting me this weekend. A birthday thing, I guess? :)

Whatever, just seeing her will be nice. And my uncle, of course!

***

And I couldn't help but share this incredibly tasteless but funny line from the Huffington Post in a great piece that writes of a trend in the NYT's crossword of having "Obama" as an answer to questions.

But how is it that "John McCain" has never found it's way into a Times puzzle even once? "McCain" looks right at home inside tiny boxes! Fred Thompson tells me McCain spent five and a half years in a tiny box!

Heh, heh. Of course I would find that funny. I'm both tasteless and funny myself.

But I wear it well.

***

Today I feel like the clouds parted on what's been a tough couple of months. It never really got me down, though. I was tired, I was annoyed, I was even exasperated, but I was never depressed. So, this is good.

And now it seems like everything has suddenly started getting simpler as of yesterday. Can't explain it. Just did. Does.

Take it when you can get it, man, 'cause you ain't gonna get it often, right?

I suspect my sleep will be sound tonight.

Except for the small matter of traffic court early in the morning. But hey. Fingers crossed the karmic payout continues for another day or month or so. :)

Fucking McPalin. WHAT?

2008-09-25T06:31:00.001-07:00

As an outsider, the American election is becoming almost comical . Like what the fuck is in the water McCain's drinking?

He's SUSPENDING his campaign? Now Palin will, too? WHAT?

Yeah, the war hero's running from a fight. That's what this looks like. Come on, dude, learn to multitask.

Add into that the speculation that his left eye's doing something wonky, he's blowing words and saying the wrong thing too often, and was planning to soup up for the debate by taking naps, and things go from not so comical to downright alarming. Is this guy 80? No, just 73. And a four-time survivor of cancer. Right.

It's especially alarming the more we hear Palin speak.

I mean, the more she says, the stupider and less informed the woman says. She can't answer questions, she doesn't know how to "wing it", and she sounds like an intellectually-challenged parrot with zero insight and nothing to contribute to any debates.

Which is probably why they're already trying to delay her debate.

Unbelievable. PANIES MUCH, you Republican bitches? Come on! MAN UP. Fight your fights! An election is for DECIDING issues, not RUNNING from them. COWARDS.

I think it's very unlikely McCain's going to back down from his position here. And what I think will happen is, Obama's going to get himself a couple hours of free airtime on Friday night. On CNN. His polls will go up at least another 3-6% I bet.

He's going to show up, no McCain will be there (unless he gets whipped by public opinion), and Obama will get to take the questions unfettered by an opponent, and they might give regular joes a chance to ask unscripted questions. I mean, CNN has airtime to fill, dudes, and giving it to the guy they probably think DESERVES to be president at this point probably warms the network's heart a little.

We'll see. That's how I think it'll play out.

I mean, half of me keeps wanting to crack up, this is just so surreal and laughable. But these are people's LIVES these fucking AMATEURS, McPalin, are toying with. This JOKE of a woman could be running the free world. McCain's seeming like the curmudgeonly old grandpa everyone humours for being an annoying asshole because they know he's only on borrowed time, right?

Thing thing's wrong in just so many ways.

And the world deserves better. At least BUSH finished his campaign. At least BUSH didn't run from fights. At least BUSH was marginally more ethical with ads.

When you're looking like a fucking hack next to George Bush, things are just a little worrisome.

I said in JANUARY I was starting to hate McCain. I thought he'd changed back then, and I felt badly for saying so because I'd always liked him.

I just had no idea I'd be this validated for hating the guy. Because the more time that passes, the more I'm aware of how much I really, really do hate him.

A lot. Muchos.

God help us all.

More on Politics: Rezko versus Keating

2008-09-23T06:45:00.000-07:00

McCain's made a big mistake bringing up Obama's nebulous ties to the Rezko scandal. They've released this ad this week, and I think it could be their big undoing.

Because McCain's scandal-skeletons are big. And they're tied into the economy.

And the Obama campaign went on the record when the primaries ended, sometime around June or July, when the McCain camp brought up the Rezko thing and said, more or less, "He wants to bring that up? Go for it. We'll bring up the Keating Five incident. It's his call."

McCain's an arrogant fuck if he doesn't think the Keating Five thing can break this campaign wide open. A scandal about the deregulation of the S&Ls and his role in it? Hmm. Yeah, the timing on that, with only five weeks to recover, could cripple the fucker.

And since he's just given the Obama campaign the green light to bring it up... three days before a newly looser-structured debate goes to air?

I'd be somewhat surprised if Obama lobbed a hardball like that in the debate, but I'd also be pretty happy if he did. I think the gloves can, and should, come off. More importantly, the way that McCain bristled on The View as he faced their allegations of flat-out lying means that pushing him into a corner where he needs to speak the truth on the Keating Five Scandal may just leave him looking like the weasel he is.

McCain isn't fighting fair. It's as dirty a campaign as any national one we've seen. Karl Rove thinks they've overstepped the bounds, for God's sake. I think the Obama campaign would be absolutely right in the using of this issue to cripple McCain's attempt to look like a golden boy here.

One of Obama's campaign strategists spoke of the Keating Five affair and said that, as it's "relevant" to people's choice-making, they're not sure how the topic can remain unmentioned.

And given the dire happenstance in the economy, it should not remain unmentioned.

Methinks the biggest October surprise might not be that big of a surprise after all. Yay.

Jesus Christ, these next 45 days are going to be the most tortuous ever. When will it end? Right, November. Thank god.

Hey, Look, It's a Bail-out!

2008-09-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, quickie political rant here!

Ironing my shirt, listening to the partisan bullshit on CNN about the whole 700-billion-bailout thingie. Apparently the Democrats are being evil by demanding safeguards in the bailout package.

Here's the thing: Bush comes out, says, "DIRE TIMES! FEED WALL STREET MONEY, OR WE ALL GO BOOM!"

Now, I'm no dummy. I'm watching the economic system come apart at the seams, which I've been expecting to happen for ten years now. I studied history, I know the Depression happened because of rampant speculation, stock-buying on credit, and no regulatory powers really overseeing things. The more our economy began mirroring those times, the more I thought we had a date with dire happenings.

I am NOT surprised to see this shit coming down the pipe.

I am, however, highly dubious of Bush and the fuckwits he's put in charge having blank-cheque powers over $700 billion earmarked to save fuckwits who didn't even understand the ramifications of the system they were creating by way of credit-buying and bad-loan-giving. I mean, hello?

I mean, Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac have been bailed out, and their bigwigs REWARDED with sexy severence packages after the taxpayers of the US have been gouged, what, $250 billion for that package? Hello? I think I saw one estimate that one of the bigwigs was making roughly, as it worked out, $17,000 an HOUR?

When *I* fuck up at work, I don't get raises. I get shame and guilt, like ANY FUCK-UP DESERVES.

Democrats demanding that no severence packages are paid, and that shareholders are not reimbursed, with these packages are NOT excessive demands.

It is pragmatism in a time that demands nothing less than the most exacting pragmatism and the greatest penny-pinching. We are in unprecedented times, times that are spreading globally.

We took George Bush's word once. It led us to Iraq. The weapons of mass destruction we were vowed were the cause of the invasion? Never existed.

When the boy who cries wolf cries "wolf" again, it's not unexpected that we should be wanting to take a look around before loading the guns.

Quickie Thoughts of a Year Ago

2008-09-17T10:29:00.001-07:00

A year ago today I was a week away from returning to my old job, and hanging on by the thinnest of threads.

Jesus Christ, did I hate that job. I was so negative and toxic by the time I left there that it took me until January to stop being a complainer. It was horrible. I'm still negative more than I'd like to be, but holy shit did that job condition me into a bad place.

Some environments should come with biohazard labels: "Taking this job will be a disaster for you emotionally. Run like the wind. Don't let the door hit you. Enter with extreme caution!"

Leaving's the best thing you can do sometimes. Funny people are so scared to do it.

It's been a good year. A lot has happened. I'm enjoying this bit of reflection this morning.

I'm almost off to cycle to work. Now that I'm getting back on page fit-wise, I expect that food will soon follow. I kinda work like that.

I'm about to make more changes in my life as I continue this "Steff in Progress" year of mine -- working on social life and finishing getting all the things I "need" so that I can one day start thinking instead of things I "want". 'Cause "wants" have been a long way off.

I've had a lot of financial catching up to do, and I'm still not done. BOY, does it blow. But I'm broke all the time because I'm making the right priorities. It sucks, but that's life. Progress is constantly had, so there's that. Could be worse. :)

But soon I'll have caught up and I'll have some spending money so I can have a life again. I miss having a life. I remember what it was like. Ha. Oh well.

But it's been a good year. The next year, my 35th year, is going to fucking rock. I like this know-thyself journey toward middle age. Beats the shit out being Young and Wrong.

I have a bike that needs riding. And what a day for it.

On Housecleaning and Politics

2008-09-14T11:34:00.000-07:00

I should be outside enjoying the sun but I'm deep in my cleaning frenzy. I keep taking breaks to watch movies in between, bits here and there, but I'm doing the whole place as best I can, after having seen my first bugs that have moved in as a result of the guy who lived on the first floor who turned out to be a dumpster diver carting garbage home to his apartment all the time.

Like, a really dirty, dirty dumpster diver. They carted off huge container bins full of trash after he was evicted. The place is empty going on the second month now. It's been fumigated, but not the rest of the building.

Therein lies the problem. So I've seen about five or six bugs this weekend, and I usually go weeks or even months between viewings. Other apartments report cockroaches. I'm concerned. Every day is another day the bugs have motive and opportunity, so instead of putting this off for a week until the rain's due to come, I'm attacking. And how!

I've gone through an entire bottle of Lysol. I've hand-washed every dish I own and scrubbed out every single cupboard before putting them back. Like, so thorough. You have no idea.

After I get paid I'll be picking up some caulking and some of the bio-friendly safe-for-humans Raid and pulling everything out again, spraying, and caulking perimeters. Yes, overkill perhaps, but "overkill" sounds like a good success percentage for me when it comes to the insect world. I'll be my own private bug gas chamber if it means I get rid of them.

If my building won't protect me, then I will.

I've done some decent writing this weekend, too, which is good. A variety. That's important. Feels good.

I'll cycle the rest of the month. It's not the end of the world. Just the end of a season. I played outside a lot this year.

I'm cleaning deeper, better, than it was done when I paid two ladies more than $250 for housecleaning one day last year. So, it's a pretty accomplished weekend, even if I'm sacrificing some sun.

I had been keeping my place clean in late June/July, then I got sick for three weeks, exercised a lot one week, got insomnia for two weeks, worked a lot the next week... so things were a little out of control, and it feels nice to be controlling my universe again.

I have several hours more work as I finish the rest of the apartment, but I'll have weeks to enjoy the rewards of my labours.

And fall's here almost. I've had plenty of time outdoors this year, the idea of fall's appealing to me for the first time ever. It's nice.

***

Karl Rove's calling McCain's ads over the line. That's pretty fucking shocking. Love that.

Palin terrifies me more every single day. She's continuing to say her lies. She's perfected the answer-by-not-answering technique that exemplifies Donald Rumsfeld and his ilk.

Obama's beginning to fight back. Toeing the line between justified angst and egregious rage is a tough one. I think he'll pull it off.

The thing that reassures me at night is this: The polls cannot, will not, and do not account for the new voters who will emerge as this campaign continues, nor does it account for those who have already turned out in record numbers since the amazing Iowa Primary. They do not, as far as I know, call those without landlines. What are the percentage of cellular users who vote Democrat? Who knows.

And, ultimately, the Swift Boat politicking might just wear thin if it perpetuates for the next 55 days. McCain and Palin are skating on thin ice. If there's anything playing to Obama's favour in the weeks to come, it's his incredible consistency on the majority of his issues, the consistency in his solid fighting and his ethical approach.

But, most importantly: The debates are yet to come.

If there's anywhere a massive favour extends to Obama-Biden, it's in verbal sparring.

Watching the match between Biden and Palin should be better than sex. Dude's gonna clean the floor with her, man. Talk about your wax jobs.

NB: I started this post a few hours ago, I'm about 45 minutes from completely done with the best cleaning job I've done in a couple years. Yay. :)

Back to the Polls Again

2008-09-09T21:13:00.000-07:00

Here in Canada, our Prime Minister can call an election at the fuckin' drop of a hat. Five weeks from now, we're at the polls.

The trouble is, the Conservatives are in power. I hate their leader. Fiscally, things have improved for the most part because the economic hell down south has been slow to catch up here. Things are changing, and I suspect that's imminent.

But the leader of the Conservatives, Stephen Harper, our Prime Minister, is a fucking piece of work. Loves George Bush.

Here's what was said in the Globe and Mail about Harper today, by Gerald Caplan, who was an NDP campaign manager a world ago:

Mr. Harper, as we keep being reminded, is very, very smart. He smartly learned the twin lessons of politics a la Karl Rove south of the border, where he'd really rather be. Those two lessons are be as dirty as you need to be and never to stop.
Mr. Harper has taken the low road to new depths in the past few years. He's the man who allowed his staff to accuse Paul Martin of being soft on child porn. He's the man who accused Mr. Dion of caring more for Taliban prisoners than Canadian soldiers. He's the one who's suggested that those who disagree with his Afghanistan policy are "traitors." This is the man who smeared a Liberal MP by insinuating his family was linked to terrorism.

Mr. Harper, like Richard Nixon and George W. Bush, harbours deep, unfathomable resentments that lead him to lash out in ways that are far beyond the usual Canadian standards of dirty play. This barely-constrained fury leads him to believe he's justified in saying anything to mortally wound his enemies - and in his eyes, he has enemies, not opponents.

He is indeed smart. Brilliant at toeing the line. Hence he's still in power. Not good.

I mean, when the Conservatives first won, they didn't win a single seat in any large Canadian city. Every gain they made was in rural regions. Nothing in Vancouver, Calgary, Winnipeg, Toronto, Quebec City, Montreal, Ottawa. Nada.

In the hicks? Sho 'nuff.

NOT looking forward to our election. If they win, then things go south, you're damned right they'll stay in office the full five years, if they can, whereas they have three years left of the present term.

Sometimes our political system pisses me off.

So HOW Was My Monday, You Ask?

2008-09-08T19:58:00.001-07:00

Let's see. Fell asleep at 10 Sunday night, awoke at 6am on the dot without an alarm.

Got up, washed all my dishes, semi-cleaned my kitchen, took out all the recycling and garbage, washed and folded two loads of laundry, caught up on all my written news, wrote a 750+ word product review loaded with hyperlinks that kept screwing up, had a nice breakfast and an hour-long break, all by 10:00 am.

Cycled to work.

Beat fastest time ever by 2 minutes.

Got all my work done and a start on tomorrow but still shorted my shift by 30 minutes.

Cycled home.

Beat my fastest time ever by almost 4 minutes.

In short?

My Monday?

I KICKED ASS AND TOOK NAMES.

How was yours?

If you need me, I'll be over there... dead. :) But in a good way...

At One With The Fear

2008-09-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

The clouds have burned off, it's 10:35, and in 10 minutes I'll rush off to work on a Monday morning after a busy weekend.

You'd think I'd have had a slack and lazy morning leaving at this time, but you'd be wrong. I've been up since six. I've done two loads of laundry, washed my mountain of dishes from my "cooking night" on Saturday, tidied up most of my kitchen (still needs work), deep-conditioned my hair, and wrote a product review for the other blog that might net me some sales commissions.

All in all, it's been a productive four hours. Hell, I even stretched for 30 minutes.

Now I'm about to cycle to work, which might prove to be a bit much, but since I'm taking my lunch to work I can afford a big fucking coffee (since someone hasn't given me any coupons for drinks for a while, nudge nudge).

It's already been a long day and I've 90 minutes of cardio and seven hours work ahead of me.

But I had eight hours sleep, and I've taken my vitamins. I shall rock this. (And that's what I'll keep telling myself!)

Tomorrow I am SO sleeping in.

Yay, Clean Offices and Bike Rides

2008-09-05T07:03:00.000-07:00

It's Friday. Do you know where your mind is? Mine's still asleep, in bed, pissed at my body for crawling away from it before 7am. I got up at 6:15. What's WRONG with me?

You poor bastards, you NEED to get up early. Me, I wander in when I want, thanks to my skookum arrangement at work.

However... daylight is a tricky fickle bitch, and if I aim to ride my bike over the next few months, my schedule needs to bend to Mother Nature's. And today's day one of the bending.

Last night I rode home and had a blast. Today will be a second day in a row, which'll be the first time in a while I've done back to back rides.

The rest of the month is supposed to be sunny, so I aim to try and go hard, and spend it the right way. Must get back into my rhythm of success here!

***

In other news, I almost want to weep with glee:

Work has had cleaners arranged to come in this morning. For the first time in NINE weeks!

It's been SO FUCKING FILTHY I've been getting acne! I look like I'm 17! Holy fucking breakout. Jesus.

But when there's that much construction disruption, why waste cash on cleaners, right? So, I get it. But I'm GRATEFUL it will be clean. Hell, I'm ECSTATIC.

A great way to end a tough work week, I tell ya. And the bike ride helps.

Hi, I'll Be Your Blogger,the Labour Day Week Edition

2008-09-03T20:20:00.001-07:00

Irony, and then some.

Goes to show you, never dismiss a negative as being no opportunity for positive, huh?

What a strange little world.

It's a four-day week, and it feels longer. Ha! At least the office is coming together. I feel like the hell we've had has been a nice little bonding experiment in some ways. Nothing like something to endure as a team, huh?

But it's nice to see it coming together.

Tomorrow I'm going to do a much-needed steaming-blowing-off by way of cycling to work for, what, only the third time since July 17th?

That's when I got bronchitis. Then I took three weeks to get over that, and then cycled to work twice the next week (so, second week of August). THEN I had insomnia two weeks and just didn't have the fuel in me to make it happen.

Now summer's about over, but I figure I can keep it going a little more...

I've cycled a few non-work trips, but not a hell of a lot. I just want a last final two or three-week hard push at work, see what happens, then get back to yoga and stairs.

I'll get some scooter rally pictures up in the next few days. Great stuff. If you're a scooter geek, that is.

Here's a couple. Click on the scooter pic for a MASSIVE 2000-pixels-wide image for cool resolution. :)

PRAISE JESUS AND ALL HIS BUDDIES

2008-09-02T23:29:00.001-07:00

I hate construction.
I hate filth.
I hate chaos.
I hate having a lack of control.
I hate feeling like I have to be reactionary towards my surroundings.
I hate disruption.
I hate being around people who ooze stress (because that's sometimes all you can do... that's why they call it "stressful").

I'm so fucking glad the floors are finished at work. And I'm so glad that I will probably never have another day like today at the company. (It's why we went with tile in the first place. "Never again," the new company motto, I suspect.)

And I'm very glad we all dealt with it like fucking champions. After, what, 10 weeks or so of being strung along by duplicitous guys who hand out excuses like a politician doles out handshakes?

And now I'm going to bed.

Yawn. Yawn, I say.

***

Just saw this on the way to bed and think it's fucking brilliant. What better way to win a campaign than with advertisements designed for the people by the people?

Obama's campaign just keeps getting smarter and smarter. Let's see what the Tired White Part-- err, Republicans-- make of this one:

OhBoyObama! is a new website that allows you to submit your ideas for the campaign and vote on ideas submitted by other Obama supporters. It's like Digg for campaign strategy - the best ideas get voted to the top.

Just go to http://www.OhBoyObama.com , register as a new user, and start voting or submit your own idea, called a "scoop." Be sure to bookmark the site so you can check it regularly for new content. We can't wait to see what you guys come up with!

Stupid Palin, and a Status Report on Me

2008-09-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

Oh, I take it back. Maybe Hillary Clinton won't have to be the attack dog against Sarah Palin.

The media's doing just fine.

Did you see this? Holy shit, Batman.

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin employed a lobbying firm to secure almost $27 million in federal earmarks for a town of 6,700 residents while she was its mayor, according to an analysis by an independent government watchdog group.

Oh, but keep reading. It just gets better.

***

Me: Tired as hell! Spent a good chunk of the weekend playing with the scooter crowd. They're fun, always are. Annual Vancouver rally. It was awesome fun.

Tiring, too. Helped someone move today, all stiff. But okay.

Bought a cool new cell phone that has this wicked-ass clamshell design with visuals. The Motorokr U9. Oh, got it for free, actually, since I had $95 credit and opted to lock my four-year-old unlimited free eve/wknd, incoming texts/calls package ($25/mo) in for another 3 years. Phone's got a camera, got 4 gigs space for music (I can go to 8 when I've got the cash...), and all that schwag. The music aspect, though, it's supposed to be one of the best music phones and the sound quality's just awesome, even for calls.

I'm sick of carrying X amount of shit. I want a new iPod, and even need one PRONTO, but I can't afford the big-ass 80 gig one, and it's what I want next. This is a great temporary fix and it's light and easy to carry. Temp and light and easy is good.

It's a beautiful phone. Sleek and light and fantastic display both inside and on the clamshell. (The clamshell top acts as a black video screen... cool images play on there, messages, who's calling, the time, moving graphics, and more. It's sexy as hell.)

Also bought a new land phone, after having CRAP ones the last three years I've finally thrown down a paltry $30 for a DECT (6.0 mghz) phone that's designed beautifully as well. Looking forward to that.

I guess my theme for September is getting social and communicative again. It's already off to a good start. This is nice, though. My cell's about as expensive as a plain MP3 phone gets, and I think I'm going to love it! Yay.

Aside from that, I need to clean my place, catch up on sleep, and start cycling to work as of Weds. (Moving today, dancing yesterday, I'm good for my weekend!)

My whole body hurts. Wah.

Obama's Speech, McCain's VP,And Why Canadians (and the rest of the world) Care

2008-08-30T10:32:00.001-07:00

I have taken journalism and political science. I am a hardcore political junkie. I've been following Obama's quest for the White House from day one with a heavy sigh and a "Yeah, that'd be nice but fat chance" glimmer of hope that's just been floored by the success he's been meeting in that quest.

Like most Canadians, I'm watching everything with bated breath, jealous as hell that this mandate of change and excitement is one only our friends to the south get the honour of voting on.

Americans scoff amongst themselves sometimes about why Canadians care so much, why we're stumping on our blogs, or what have you. I mean, Americans would never get invested in our elections, so it's understandable they're so baffled by our vicarious political leanings.

The grand dame of Can-lit Margaret Atwood once wrote, "When America sneezes, Canada catches cold."

I have seen disturbing changes in Canadian politics in the eight years since Bush took over. Our country has become divided and bitter in the wake of the Bush era. Conservatives have regained power over our country. Politics divides differently in Canada. The rural regions swing right and the urban centres polarize to the left. When the Conservatives retook Parliament Hill, they did not win a single seat from any of Canada's largest cities.

And when freedoms crack down and things go conservative, it's cities that get hit the hardest. It hasn't been fun.

Here, in Vancouver, the so-called "pot capital of the world", the Bush era has definitely impacted this city. This city has been changed as a result of the tough stance and pressure hurtled at it by Bush and the DEA, who were all paranoid about our pot industry. Since then, our city's cops and leaders have kowtowed to the DEA's pressure and we now have American DEA agents in OUR city, and cops are arresting for simple possession again after seven years of just looking the other way.

Americans don't care about our elections because our politics don't affect their lives. Canadians care about Yankee elections because it impacts us on more levels than you will ever, ever comprehend. Yes, we're invested. And that's not going to change.

***

Obama's a political genius. That speech was a masterpiece. I've never, ever seen a campaign's tone set down so forcefully and eruditely in one sitting. Things are going to get fun now.

Another reason Canadians and everyone else are so invested in the outcome of this election is, we miss America the world power. We miss the America that had integrity and respect, and whose opinion mattered on the world stage. We miss the America whose word was trusted and not considered dubious.

America doesn't need another maverick cowboy with an antagonistic streak at the helm. We want to see someone inspire us all again. If someone like that takes the stage in America, that political culture might be contagious to Canada, too. What a gift that'd be.

***

McCain's VP choice offends me as a woman.

It's no fucking shock that the first time a woman ever gets onto the Republican ticket is when the election is so close, on the heels of the "soccer mom vote" that won 2004 for Bush, that women once again are the swing vote (because we know which way African-Americans are presumed to vote, and I think the Pasty White Guy Party doesn't see them as attainable any time soon) in a year that a woman gets passed over for VP in the Dems, is just a little convenient. And because picking a black guy would've been way, way too obvious, even to a party as unsubtle as the Republicans.

Throw into that that she's a former beauty queen, has only two years experience but sure is feisty and cute, is known mostly for selling the Alaska's governor's jet on eBay and putting the dough back into state coffers, and has a disabled kid at home, and all the other "isn't that convenient?" attributes she brings, and it's just fucking ridiculous this woman got the nod.

She's more experienced than anyone out there? Really? She's tackled the major issues of our times? She's a foreign policy whiz? No, she is one of the most "popular" governors. I thought McCain was opposed to the notion of this election being a popularity contest? I thought he loathed Obama's celeb-appeal? I thought he was preaching that no one could take that seriously?

McCain is 72. He spouts off about shit. He can't remember how many houses he owns. He confuses who the Shiites and Sunnis are. He flip-flops on issues. He gets spastically angry. He's as tactful as a bohunk. He's a year younger than Reagan was when Reagan accepted the nod, and Ronnie had Alzheimers before he even got out the door. McCain's had cancer FOUR times. He was biopsied in recent weeks.

I love looking at life all sunny-side-up and whiskers-on-kittens, but, really... we have to prepare for the odds that McCain could very well be pushing up daisies before his term even came to a close. Or that his mental faculties might just fade away. Confusion, temper tantrums? Not great signs.

And beauty-queen, eBay-member, flute-playing, populist governor of a state that barely even exists on the national stage (with a population under 300,000) who has only two years experience, has no expertise in foreign policy, and who's currently under an ETHICAL investigation for trying to get her ex-brother-in-law fired from his $100,000 state job after he divorced her sister... ... she's gonna be the one who gets to step in and lead the most difficult, politically important country in the WORLD?

But she'll look fantastic doing it. And where DOES she get her shoes?

Get real. Yeah, as a woman, I'm offended. Holy pandering political and whoring, Batman. You couldn't pick a woman who really was a national stage player? Someone who had a little more depth? Who'd served in larger capacities? Who'd maybe completed a term? There are women out there who aren't as cute as a button and who are actually more qualified for a gut-wrenching high-pressure, globally-responsible job as the Vice President of the United States, you know.

Unfuckingreal. Really.

Trouble is, McCain and his cronies made the choice to get Hilla-- err, I mean Palin, as VP before they saw the political result of Hillary Clinton getting onside with Obama. I think they blew their choice. I think they underestimated Hillary's maturity and savvy, and her willingness to do what it takes to secure her own legacy. That speech of hers? A legacy speech. It doesn't often get better. And there's 65 days to go. How many more speeches can she deliver between now and then that are derivative of that legacy-making speech, and how damaging a punch can they collectively deliver against the Republicans and McCain?

If my suspicions are correct, I think that the Obama and Clinton camps may have collectively opted to muzzle the Clintons to create drama, knowing full well both Bill and Hill would go totally on page with the party in order to restore their then-tarnished legacies. The Democrats have never been good at creating drama; until now. Now it's apparent they've not only created it, but have heatedly stoked it.

I think the plan for a while now has been to have Clintons put a cork in it, drive up speculation, since the media's been so whorey this year and all, and to just absolutely shatter the speculation with a strong performance of unity at the conference. I think Bill and Hillary will be campaigning a lot this fall. I bet that, sometime in October, as an anti-October Surprise attempt, Bill and Barack will do a few-city tour together, trumpeting the whole "they said Bill was inexperienced, too, but look how similarly brainiac we are! 23,000,000 jobs! $7,500 per family! Per year! 5 million green jobs!" argument.

I think the Palin-bashing will now fall to Hillary, who's going to be sharpening knives and practicing her aim. Girlfight! Hillary's going to be outraged that the woman's under an ethical investigation and appears to be the token Beauty Queen brains-and-smarts sales pitch by a relic of a political party that just doesn't get it. This is equality? Pick the pretty, popular girl over women who are older, less cute, and more experienced? This flies HOW?

But that's just my take.

sailor's warning.

2008-08-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

i awoke shortly before six to find the sky afire in reds.

"red at night, sailor's delight, red in the morning, sailor's warning."

it's 7.17 and the rain's tumbling down now. a hard, pelting rain. it's gonna be a long fall.

the sunrise was incredible, though a fleeting tease of what we're not to have. but that's all right. i've gutted my schedule today and will stay home instead of a coffee date and brunch. i just want to sleep and chill. i watched some of the closing ceremonies from beijing. i wish i'd caught more of the olympics, but i always tuned in when it was stupid shit like archery or whatever. [click]

i've already had 19 hours sleep since friday. i'm going to aim for three or four more now. have a bath, go back to bed, get up at noon. rough life. i know.

but that's what happens when you cancel on people. :)

speaking of mornings, came upon a sunrise shot i took on galiano a year ago this week. think i wanna blow this up for my living room this fall.

2008-08-23T01:33:00.001-07:00

wahoo! napped for two hours, finished my glass of wine and movie, and now will change bedding and flip mattress for THE BEST SLEEP EVER.

that's positive thinking for ya.

fingers crossed? ooh. but a nap, that's fucking awesome!

sleep, sleep, perchance to sleep

2008-08-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

i was gonna come here and piss and moan, probably still will, but decided to pop into my email and got a really heart-warming email from a new reader. she wrote that she just landed on my page, i guess, and "FELL in COMPLETE love with your straight-forward, yet humorous advice".

aww!

i just wanted to write a little because i'm feeling really down tonight though. it's just been two weeks, maybe even three, since my insomnia started on a friday night, since i've had a really good night's sleep. at least i've had two 7-hour nights in the last week, but one was with a sleeping pill, and that wasn't as smart as i think i thought it was.

or maybe it's just the cumulative effect of all the fatigue. either way, i suspect i'll sleep well tonight. last night was my first 7-hour night since about, ooh, july 29-30 that didn't require a sleeping pill. promising -- but because i slept well, i've been even more exhausted today. perhaps it's a new exhausted, the kind that harkens a night of restful sleep.

tonight i picked up some vitamin-b complex per a reader's advice, since i know i'm not getting much b's these days, and since it's supposedly the go-to thing after kicking mood meds.

so, i'm down because i'm just so tired that i don't want to do a fucking thing. but i'll be much better by monday, i suspect. this feels like one of those 'darkest before dawn' moments, so i'm sort of embracing the 'blah' emotions 'cos i know they're on the out. or i'm damned well hoping. at least the rest of the week has been slowly improving after the horrible three-hour night on monday. ugh.

i think i'm not seeing anyone tomorrow or doing anything, really. get my hair cut, clean my place, do some yoga, and try to take some naps. i don't like this sleepless steff i'm becoming. i don't like her at all.

THAT said, i am marvelling at how well i've handled this insomniac phase of mine. i've done very well with it.

but i'll be thrilled when it's over. i've had bad insomnia like this twice before, both in the last five years. once with the head injury, the other time because i became freakishly light-sensitive in the mornings. the first time was a hard, hard trial for me. the light-sensitivity one just took a trip to the fabric store and an hour of my time with a glue-gun, black-out fabric, and my bamboo blinds.

next day i slept till noon.

anyhow, tonight it's diego murillo, michael clayton, and me. wine and a movie and an early night.

but that reader's letter? perfectly timed. :)

oh, there's an interesting realization... that i never, ever had insomnia until the head injury. the only other time was when i was 15 for about 5 days. hmm... every month that passes, i realize a new way that i'm not quite the same as i used to be. nothing horribly drastic. just enough that i hope i never take another knock to the noggin, is all. not like that. and three two-week periods of insomnia in four years, all since the head injury? hmm. ooor... it could just be that i'm over 30 and women's body chemistries change. that's a happier thought. :) and quite entirely possible. that's the problem with having a potentially life-altering head injury at age 30 -- it's the same period that you "change" anyhow. fucking stupid convergence of age and happenstance. i'm always wondering. "injury or chronology?" fuckin' hell! heh. :)

insomnia still, and thank god it's friday

2008-08-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

well, it's been two weeks with sleeping problems, but they kind of got to the worst point early this week, on sunday and monday, so despite the fact that i've begun finally getting about six hours a night instead of 3, 4, or maybe 5, the cumulative effect of all that sleeplessness has me feeling like a giant slug.

making it through work is mindnumbingly fucking hard this week. i don't have a job that's geared to skating through "stupid" days. toying with language is never mindless.

and yesterday ended with me having to edit the world's worst script, which, i think almost caused an aneurysm to explode.

whatever. i think i'll catch up on some rest this weekend. i hope that i will. i'm keeping my plans non-existent as long as i can in the hopes of getting two late sleep-ins and two early nights.

i'm officially at the "my writing's a chore" stage of insomnia, for sure. i recycled a three-year old post today on the other blog because the prospect of editing any of the nearly-complete drafts kicking around my system makes me want to puke. ha. how's that for honest?

but, hey. still taking extra calcium and i suspect it's why i'm finally beginning to get more consistent sleep.

***

i find it so, so, so convenient that, after seven years of constantly escalating gas prices, they start MAGICALLY falling just three months before an election? gee. i wonder why that might be.

oh, right, it's because the "speculators" have been laying off after murmurs of possible inquiries to be launched. whose speculators, anyhow? who are these mysterious troublemakers?

yeah, i'm not keen on people who think everything's a conspiracy, but this is really just too coincidental for the skeptic in me not to scoff and laugh derisively. very, very convenient.

Fuckin' McCain...

2008-08-21T11:31:00.000-07:00

In the Int. Herald Tribune:

McCain, for his part, has continued to campaign on matters of experience and national security. "Let me be very clear: I am not questioning his patriotism; I am questioning his judgment," McCain had said Wednesday in New Mexico. "Senator Obama has made it clear he values withdrawal from Iraq above victory in Iraq, even today, with victory in sight."

Yeah. Right.I seem to recall victory being in sight when Bush had his little tapdance on that Navy ship in the spring of '03.

Victory being in sight and victory being achieved, as we've seen, are two very, very different matters.

2008-08-19T22:44:00.001-07:00

GayBoy and I are history buffs, so he emailed me this tonight. Worth a chuckle. Stop! Hammertime!

Oh, Goodie! Fight! Fight!

2008-08-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

I actually feel really uncomfortable writing about American politics most of the time. I'm an outsider, my knowledge is peripheral, and I know it.

But I have to say, I'm absolutely thrilled to see this story in the Times tonight.

I have been surprised at the restraint of the Obama campaign. I suspected they had some gritty hard-fighting mentality behind 'em, but that it just wasn't the right time.

I got to thinking about it and I figured it'd be wisest to save the hard-hitting punches until the convention kicked around, or even just after Labour Day. There's enough ammunition to take McCain apart.

Really, I don't think this election's going to be as close as everyone thinks. I think Obama can take it by 8 or 10 points, depending how shrewd he plays this.

I said a while back that I think, if you keep giving McCain rope, he's going to hang himself. He's not Bush's carbon-copy like everyone alleges, but he's close enough, and that's a liability.

Obama's biggest detriment right now is that he has NOT been fighting back. When it's the "Leader of the Free World", polite and articulate isn't what it's all about. It's also about kicking ass, taking names, and protecting the American brand. When Obama's being all polite and accommodating, that's not going to be something Americans think he can do.

But you go back and you look at certain moments in Obama's career, like his anti-war speech in late 2002, some of his more candid moments, his political skullduggery getting elected in Illinois. This isn't a Boy Scout, and it's a mistake to think he is one.

Which is the mistake made by the McCain camp.

I was thinking about making an allusion to Obama reminding me in some ways of a boxer who allows his opponent to have at 'em in the early rounds of a fight, to wear him out, like Muhammad Ali often did. Let them show you their strengths -- and weaknesses -- and all the while you figure out just how to beat that strategy.

McCain has been desperate. His ridiculous turn-about on offshore drilling is a good example. Sending his lapdogs to Georgia on a "fact-finding" mission is another example. He wants to call Obama a flip-flopper and presumptuous, yet adopts both those tacts himself? And he doesn't think this is going to contribute to insanely good fuel for Obama?

This week is when everything gets interesting. Summer presidential campaigns? A yawn and a snooze. Labour Day weekend? Giddy fun!

Obama's going to come out fighting. He's got the piss and vinegar, now he needs to show it. Gloves will be off.

And McCain's best month of fundraising, July, was still half of Obama's $51-million haul that same month. The Times observes that the attitude will be "Sure, let's spend it, let McCain try to keep up."

Yeah. Good luck with that. Like I say, fun times to come.

I Want My MotherFucking Sleep.

2008-08-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

Oh, kill me now. Excessive insomnia of late. Fell asleep at about 3:45 am last night and have to head in to work shortly. Today will truly suck.

My job is NOT one that can be done well on auto-pilot. My files for review will have a note that reads "After three nights with a total of 12 hours sleep, my quality is dubious, my apologies."

Today, I resort to copious coffee.

Tonight, I resort to a sleeping pill.

Fuck. I hate insomnia. In about six hours, I'll be segueing into "cunt" mode.

I suspect it's a couple things -- I had a lot of back issues last week, my low back went out twice. Any time you have any sort of physical trauma, it leaches the calcium outta you. I don't get enough calcium anyhow, and I know that, in the past, too little calcium has caused me sleep issues. Like, massively.

I took a bunch of calcium late last night and have done so again today. I'll probably do the sleeping pill tonight 'cos one good night makes all the difference, right? Whoa. Sigh. UGH. I suspect the calcium would be enough to get me 6 hours sleep tonight, but that ain't enough at this point.

But most of the problem with the sleeplessness is that my anti-depressant was also a sleep-aid, so, for the first time in two years I'm sleeping without the chemical component, and my sleep schedule is just WHACK as a result of it.

It's been three weeks, I suspect another two and I'll be doing better. Just a matter of enduring it.

I'm happy with all the other changes in my system from getting off the mood drug -- and loving the writing I've been doing since, too -- so this is the price I pay. I'll sort it out. The longest I've done insomnia for is about a month, and I've survived. I'll get past this, too, and probably quite soon.

But, for now, I'll be pretty fucking grumpy about it. But that's insomnia for ya. You been WARNED.

Politics Quickie

2008-08-18T07:57:00.000-07:00

See, I'm glad I'm right. I said, "No fucking way" would Obama name his VP pick ahead of the convention, and, similarly, that McCain would be a moron to pick someone before he saw the direction Obama was taking.

Here we are, two days from the convention, and it looks like I'm right.

As for whole dreaded Clinton's Last Stand thing to occur Wednesday night, I'm not sure what to expect at all!

This could be an interesting week for political junkies, depending how hardcore Clinton wants to make her last kick at the can here. Bad timing, man. But we'll see how it all unfolds. Interesting dynamics afoot...

What fun.

Oh, and McCain dispatching envoys to Georgia? Fucking pretentious twat! Holy shit, was that ballsy!

Barbecue sunset pics

2008-08-17T17:22:00.000-07:00

If there's anything that's been incredible about this heatwave we've been stuck in, it's the sunsets that have come with it.

Tonight the air could be cut with a knife -- or lightning, which is forecasted. (And not altogether a common thing in Vancouver, so this humid, thick, "bring on the storm" weather is very unusual for a town on the Pacific ocean.)

Here's the sunset from last night. It's Vancouver's Kits Beach, one of a dozen or so significant beaches in the city, and thousands upon thousands were there last night, but they were polite enough to step off for my photogging efforts.

I've barely been doing photography this year... my apologies. Not that inspired? Oh well. :)

Help with Wordpress switchover?

2008-08-15T10:24:00.000-07:00

Anyone have advice for how I can make seamless transition from having a Blogger blog and switching it to Wordpress? Sick as fuck with the FTP publishing hassles on Blogger, and I want a more powerful platform.

But I'm clueless. Halp.

My Day to Come, and Writing High

2008-08-15T08:56:00.000-07:00

Another sweltering day. Another bike ride looms. I'll shower soon, then head.

I'm not doing anything tonight -- taking it easy, making a nice meal, and cooling off on my couch... that sounds like heaven.

Tomorrow's another scorcher and I'll be on the beach for hours in the afternoon and evening, for a big ass barbecue and party. It'll be good, but tough, in weather like this.

Sunday's a cleaning and resting day because next week is going to be a busy one. That's all right. We like busy sometimes.

I may also try to start spending more time on my blog this weekend. Now that I'm getting up earlier, I need to better use my time. Especially now that I'm making a point of Twittering religiously to drive up interest.

I'm also slowly starting to read blogs again. Who knew? And commenting. Slowly but surely, it'll all yield dividends for me.

I write good comments, for the most part, and it was how I got any traffic (and respect) in the first place in blogging. Not a lot of people are great at comments, methinks, so it's a good way to publicize yourself. Trouble is, there's not much point in commenting if you're not one of the early ones, so you need to happen upon the right post, at the right time, and say the right thing. It's tricky. Works like gangbusters when the trifecta happens, but it's tricky to make it happen.

Unlike a lot of others out there, the one thing I never had to look for too hard with the good bloggers was credibility. A lot of the so-called big sex bloggers like me and my very vanilla life but liberated views on sex and freedom.

I think I'm pretty plain jane in the sex blogging realm, but I'm honest and real and I say what I think, so I guess that was always appreciated. I just don't really know how to bite my tongue and probably speak the truth on a lot of things people think and just don't say. I guess it appeals sometimes.

It's nice to see how quickly some of the respected blogging figures are subscribing to my Twitter feed now that they see I'm back in the blogging game again. Especially since some of them have the wherewithal to make my reentry into the realm that much easier and faster.

You wouldn't know it here, but I think my writing's the strongest (on the other blog) that it has been in more than two years. 51 months, to be precise.

Not sure where the suddenly clarity has come from, nor the roll with words, but I'll take it. I find it suspiciously coincidental, however, that the clarity and profundity has come immediately on the heels of my antidepressant chemicals beginning to flush out after getting off the pills about three weeks ago. (And the decline of my writing began when my chemical depression began in May '06. HMM.)

There's something awesome about that. It means my writing never sucked. It means I was sabotaged by drugs and chemistry. :) YAY, writing. Boo, chemistry!

Yeah, I cannot tell you how good it feels to be enjoying my writing daily again. I just can't tell ya. Ultimately, you know, it's nice to get read. It's nice to get emails from people saying X rocked because of Y. It's awesome to get comments from random strangers, or know I have 250+ people subscribing to my feed again.

But.

None of it matters jack shit if I'm not happy with my own work. In fact, I hate having any success at all if I'm not satisfied with my output, because a) it makes me complacent, and b) it makes me nervous about performing. And c) it means I don't believe anyone when they like me. Nothin' like feelin' a fraud, eh?

For the last couple of years, nothing has felt like it was working. I thought it had to do with my life just being stretched out that thin. Or that I was unhappy and it was getting in the way of writing. I don't know. I just felt like it was my fault, like I was failing to connect the literary dots.

But for the cloud to have eroded so quickly? Yeah, sounds like the drugs to me.

Fucking A, baby. I'm loving this. It's good to be back.

Absentee Blogger Reporting

2008-08-14T23:06:00.000-07:00

My bed assaulted me during Monday night and I awoke on Tuesday with a gimpy back that made my day quel unpleasant.

Yesterday I visited my fave chiropractor and all is right in my world again.

Last night I cycled to see Wall-E, which was fucking awesome. I would pay full price to see that again, JUST FOR THE SPORK SCENE. Spork!

Is it a spoon? Is it a fork? I'm with Wall-E.

All I knows is, it's probably the perfect utensil for Chunky Soup, no? If you could find one. No one has sporks anymore.

Today, I cycled to and from work. Great workout on what's going to be a record-breaking hot day when midnight rolls around and this one sinks into the history books. Fuckin' hot. But I did well with the cycling. Yay for me.

Gonna do it again tomorrow, but I'm unlikely to do a longer route after work. I mean, just being active on a 30 / 90 degree day is good enough for me. For 85 minutes? Fuckin' A. Anything more? Not that smart.

Saturday is a barbecue. Sunday is for screwing my head on straight.

And that's my week.

Next week? Hoping I hit the 50-pound loss mark. We'll see. :)

***

My apartment building: Oy. I don't want to write about it tonight because I'll get the heebie-jeebies but I need to tell you about Bug Dude. And then the illegal search and seizure done by the fuckwit building manager.

I've LOVED this building. These cocksuckers are fucking it up.

Like, omigod, it's a post!

2008-08-11T22:57:00.000-07:00

Oh, wow, I haven't posted in about a week? Whups. Hi!

Heh. I've been good, busy, and you? Ha. No, seriously, busy. Yeah, well, here I be now.

I'm about to bail for bed, though. It's been a long week. What do you mean it's only Monday? Goddamn it.

Call it an antipodean week.

So, work, eh? We had this flood, oh, I don't know, months ago when a wanker tenant above decided it'd be fun to adjust essential plumbing when he was moving out. Like piping's something you're supposed to take with you. "But I attached it."

Really? You're THAT stupid? What, did the state sponsor a lobotomy for your 10th birthday or something? Eugenics gone awry again? Fucking twit.

The laminate flooring all got damaged. (Thanks for filling the landfill, FUCKWIT. Enjoy your pipe.)

The floor's now is all pulled up for a flooring job... well, most of the laminate is pulled up. My office is a mess of concrete, dust, and general disarray.

You see, we have some of those classic labourers who don't seem to wish to labour.

I'm not going into details other than to say that these guys, when pouring the concrete to level shit out, managed to pour it into all the taped-off power outlets. You have no idea. And they're not even done levelling yet. And it's been a month. It's a 2,000 square-foot office.

The contractor says, "Well, I warned you there'd be complications--"

Complications? That's not a complication, that's incompetence!

Friggin' idiots. "Bob, make sure you get it in the junction box, too."

Yeah, showing up at work was fun. Real fun. Every Monday is another excited-apprehensive moment. "Did they do anything? Is it better? Will I stop inhaling concrete dust at long last?"

This is week four. They've done nothing but fuck shit up.

I lament the passing of the work ethic. Clearly its time is nigh if these fuckwits are the standardbearers. (Please tell me they're not?)

Some of us still try to do good work. Pity about the fuckwits.

It's The End of An Era and I Feel Fine

2008-08-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

Today's the anniversary of Mom's death. So, nine years now. Hmm.

Read an article the other day about how they've discovered that there's actually a biochemical/neurotransmission difference in people who experience the profound, unrelenting grief.

And it's something that's unaffected by medication as yet. Interesting, eh?

That's the kind of grief I had. I was a mess before she died anyhow, and that just sent me in a tizzy. I was fucked up long time. And today, I'm not that bothered. A little sad. I think whenever we have good things happening to us, we tend to miss our departed parents more, especially our mothers.

I think she'd be really happy to see me making a go of the lifestyle I've got these days, the health I'm gaining, the weight I'm losing, the finances I'm sorting out, etc, etc. So I'm sad I can't get an "I'm proud of you" out of her, but that's life.

Mostly, though, today I'm thinking of how far I've come considering all the fucking adversity life threw my way in those nine years. I sank myself into stupid debt, I'm almost out of it now. I'm at a weight I've not been in at least 15 years. But, the only important thing is, I'm pretty content with my life. I like what I have going on. I'm grateful for what I have, working towards what I want, and that's really all anyone can ask for, isn't it?

I'm glad. I think she'd be happy I'd found a way to turn the anniversary of her death into a milestone of growth for myself. I think she'd applaud that thinking. I know she would.

So that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

And I'm having a really, really good week that I think will be getting better, if things go right, but so far I'm enjoying my week. More later.

2008-08-06T10:16:00.001-07:00

For the first time ever, Paris Hilton amuses me.

"I'll see you in the debates, bitches." I actually laughed out loud. At Paris. With her, even. Holy shit. That's new.

Muffins, Muffins, Must Make Me Some Muffins!

2008-08-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

Ahh, a muffin day.

Haven't made muffins since before I got sick, so three or four weeks. There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by blueberry muffins, I'm afraid.

The oven's warming up, which is to say generating grease smoke in my kitchen. Note to self: Must clean oven. No more chicken-roasting until oven has been degreased. Fire is bad. Very bad.

Mornings are getting easier -- a couple more weeks and I'll be on a whole new schedule.

I've been off my meds now since early last week, and I feel I'm getting onto a more even keel now. I'm sleeping less, which is good, since I've been wasting about two hours too many on sleep every day for the last two years.

I was always very much like the line from a Bret Easton Ellis short story -- "Richard never used an alarm clock. He was comprehensively alarmed." I was always able to go to bed, say "I need to be up at 6:30am", go to sleep, and I'd wake up without an alarm by 6:27.

The last two years? Not even close. Getting out of bed has been fucking arduous. Love the sleep. I still love to sleep, but if I wake up, I get up. Simple. Once I wake, I can't sleep -- if I'm not on meds.

So, basically, I've just been given two extra hours for each and every day. Wow. Whatever shall I do about it? Whew. But thank GOD. I've always liked mornings, but they've been a lot harder when I've been chemically feeling groggy for so long. Nice to be getting to my old self again.

Well, the smoking has subsided in the kitchen. Must be time to bake some muffins. :) Sunshine and muffins and cheddar and coffee and reasonably good day lies ahead. There really isn't a more pleasant start to a morning.

I Would Pay Money For...

2008-08-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

...A space-age kitchen gadget I could poke into my Italian bean stew and zap it, thus evenly distributing all the beautiful Italian sausage throughout, so that when I freeze it in individual portions I will never again suffer the travesty that befell me last time, in which my last serving was completely devoid of sausages.

Like, I'd pay serious money for a spacing zapper. Really. Wouldn't you?

More Movie Talk

2008-08-04T10:56:00.000-07:00

Before I overspent my ass on the weekend, I bought two DVDs: The Great Debaters and There Will Be Blood.

I already hit on the latter earlier on the weekend, but now I'm watching The Great Debaters -- again, during housecleaning breaks today. I was shocked by how much I just loved that film when I saw it Friday.

The movie's about Melvin Tolson, portrayed by Denzel Washington, who was a teacher and a poet influenced by the Harlem Renaissance -- the movement that gave rise to poets like Langston Hughes, who I love -- who taught at Wiley College down south. His debate team in 1935 picked up a tubby little kid named James Farmer Jr, who later became a monster voice in the American civil rights movement, and went on that year to be almost undefeated, and became the first black team to ever debate Harvard. This movie's about that time -- but it touches on brilliant issues of race and politics in the Jim Crow South, and it's so moving and well-acted, and engrossing.

Unlike all the Dead Poets Society/Lean on Me type movies, this one's set in a pretty remarkable political time period, and the era has a huge impact on the theme of the movie.

Me, I've always been interested in race and the struggle of blacks in America. My dad started that interest for me a long, long time ago. When I was 10, he went on a hockey trip to Victoria, came back, and had bought me a young readers' book on slaves and the Underground Railroad to Canada. That did two things for me -- it made me understand how cruel we can be to others just on looks alone, a huge lesson at the age of 10, and it made me love that my country was a safer place for those slaves to escape to. The book blew my mind.

If you check out my shelves these days, you'll see lots of typical white writers, because that's sort of how I roll, but you'll also find the amazing Remembering Slavery book (published in partnership with the Library of Congress -- a monster work) in which slaves told their own stories of their experiences, and several books by South African writers like Andre Brink, and Chinua Achebe, Soledad Brother, Uncle Tom's Cabin, and the list obviously goes on.

One of these years, taking an African Studies course would totally blow my mind.

Why? I really don't know what fascinates me, but everything about Africa -- and this horrible story of human trafficking and the social (and physical) repercussions that continue to haunt African-Americans after all these centuries just interests me to no end.

I wonder sometimes if it's because of my very scientific cause-and-effect interest in human behaviour, sometimes, that fascinates me about social struggles like this. I find Adam Hochschild's Unquiet Ghosts: Russians Remember Stalin to be an incredible work, for instance, because it looks at the social climate that lives with the shadows of the past lingering daily.

Like, Hitler -- I know what he did; I understand what happened; I don't need to see WWII shows for the rest of my life to understand the horror of it -- I'm much more interested in the work of people like Primo Levi and Eli Wiesel, because they've been in the eye of the storm, survived it, examined it, and put it into a rearview mirror context before moving on with their lives.

We all endure tragedy and consequence in life; it's how we recover that matters. Or, like the great philosopher Rocky Balboa said, it's about how hard you can get hit, how hard a beating you can take, and still keep fighting your fight. That's life in a nutshell.

But when the system is completely against you, every inhumanity that they can conjure is thrown at you, and all hope seems lost, people can still endure. Look at slavery in America. It's taken more than 100 years, and African-Americans are still fighting to become equal, but look at the beautiful people that struggle has produced. Langston Hughes, Sam Cooke, Martin Luther King... the list goes on and on and on.

I had just not looked into The Great Debaters enough to realize it was a true story that takes place 20 years before the Civil Rights Movement began, nor how political the movie really is.

I give it two enthusiastic thumbs up. Perfect movie? No. But damned good.

[Still, I've always been a sucker for the "inspiring teacher" movies -- from To Sir with Love to Dead Poets, I'm just a sucker. :) ]

Giving feels great... even if I'm broke

2008-08-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

I'm broke off my ass this pay period and got a note saying my $25 Kiva loan to an African woman to start her softdrink business had been paid off in full.

Instead of cashing it out, I've decided to keep the love flowing and have loaned it now to a Cambodian couple with four children who are trying to buy land to open a grocery store. Awesome! :)

If you've never had the fun of spending $10-50 or more just to positively change someone's life somewhere else in the world, then you really need to check out Kiva! Something like 98% of the loans are repaid over a few months. It's awesome.

The Morning Movie Show

2008-08-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

I'm into my coffee and watching There Will Be Blood for the first time just now, and I'm deliberately stretching it out. Daniel Day Lewis is getting his first whiff of Eli Sunday and I can see the climax starting as the act breaks and gears start to shift.

Daniel Day Lewis. Now there's an incredible guy, huh? Best actor of his generation, decides he's fed up, walks away, and becomes a shoe cobbler in an Italian village. What?

Actually, I totally get it. I understand that. Just walk away and resume the simple life? Fuck yeah. That'd be my kind of post-Hollywood lifestyle. But I've liked Daniel Day Lewis since the wayyyyy early days -- My Beautiful Laundrette. Yeah, saw that in, what, 1988 on video? I saw it before My Left Foot was released, though.

So, those movies had me as a huge fan long before In the Name of the Father was a movie poster I lived with for three years. :) When he just walked away from everything, god, I was disappointed, but I got it.

But he's back. And, damn, is he still good. Just better and better. Making shoes seems to have agreed with him.

One of these years, I should take a film appreciation class or something. I'm pretty darned knowledgeable about films and old-school cinema, but it's all very rough and unpolished. But maybe that's part of my appeal.

But it's like in Easy Riders, Raging Bulls, that great book about the golden period of American indie cinema, the '70s -- the movies are fantastic, right, but when you put them into the larger context, that's when it's mind-blowing.

Something like Taxi Driver is, was, will always be, brilliant, but when you put it into the "safe and predictable" Hollywood that was only then really being dismantled in favour for a new movie industry -- one where widespread simultaneous movie openings was to become a new model, as opposed to the old system where films went "on tour" for a long time -- and Hollywood was really, literally, beginning to take risks on films... It's amazing it ever got made at all.

Me, I'm a huge old-school Scorcese fan. He's still pretty great, but he's lost his touch with the real people, the real world. Too rich and successful for too long -- too much distance from his Mean Streets, both literally and metaphorically. But Scorcese was also a product of his time -- the incredibly turbulent and raw decade of the '70s.

I've been hoping for a new '70s -- a new time of unrest and surprise and revigoration in Hollywood. I thought that the birth of digital media, the new ease with which movies can be made and distributed, and the viral potential of the internet might be the beginning of a new time in Hollywood.

See, the problem with media and art is, we've never really known what people truly thought about 'em. Now, with the net and the viral voice the population has, we better know what people want than ever.

And they apparently want Little Miss Sunshine and Juno. They apparently want their Mad Men and Breaking Bad and Californication. They like their moral ambiguity. They like their deeply flawed protagonists caught in real times, in real lives, with real challenges. They like their sordid and their murkiness and their off-the-cuff humour that doesn't come laced with grade-four fart jokes and guffaws.

It's almost like this small thread of truth is beginning to unravel in the independent film biz. Like this pulse-of-the-nation has been taken by writers like Dakota Cody and others who are bringing these smart, savvy stories out.

But there's still stupid shit coming out in Hollywood. There's still a failure to realize that most people are smarter than it might seem when one considers for which the media is created by the bigwigs.

Last year had some great movies, though. This year has been all right, too. I guess there'll always need to be crap, won't there? Ahh, well.

Me! Whee!

2008-08-01T10:20:00.000-07:00

So, I've finally crossed that threshold with lifting weights where it's no longer bothering my many-cases-whiplash neck... and holy shit are the results awesome after only a week of really kicking it up. My face is looking better, leaner, dare I say almost getting angular?

My shoulders are awesome and all my jackets are not hugging around my shoulders/biceps anymore. It's crazy! I mean, I'm seeing serious change in myself these days. Happy! HAPPY. Tomorrow I weigh myself now that I'm at the end of my period, so we'll see if I'm down the 5 or 6 pounds I think I am since last weigh-in.

And, if not, I can tell myself it's muscle. ;)

But I'm so fucking glad I'm getting more powerful in my upper body! AWESOME. Yay, yay, yay. Plus, I'm finally well enough to try cycling tomorrow for the first time in two weeks. I'm feeling doughy. Must cycle! I've not done *any* cardio -- barely even any walking -- in 2 weeks. Bad Steff.

But my arms are rockin'! Whoop, there it is!

(PS: "Me! Whee!" is Mohammad Ali's infamously short poem.)

Burn One Down: Like Stupid Policies on Pot

2008-07-30T10:08:00.001-07:00

Well, there you go. Some Yankee politicians are chatting up the necessity of abating the war on marijuana, saying that there is a difference between use of a drug and the abuse of a drug. When it affects your work, your life, and rearranges your priorities, it's abuse. When it's something you do to chill and relax and you know it has its place, and you're a contributing member of society, that's use.

I hate that, by smoking a joint, I'm labelled a "drug user", when I'm fucking better behaved on pot than I am on two glasses of wine. It's ridiculous. "Drugs", to me, are heroin and crack and cocaine and everything else out there. I won't touch them, never have, never will. I've never knowingly taken acid, wouldn't if it was offered.

The Carlos Castaneda fan in me and my penchant for all things native has always left peyote as a "Hmm, that'd be interesting" thing in my head, but I swear, it'd have to be the perfect alignment of events for me to go there. Like a Jim Morrison moment in the desert with some shaman holding my hand and a tribe doing a sundance in the distance under a brazen sun and my mother's ghost waving to me from stage left. But, yeah, that's gonna happen anytime soon? Right. It's on my "if the stars align, sure, I'll try it" list of to-do's in my lifetime, at best, but it's waaaaay down on the list, somewhere along with "riding in the space shuttle" and "camping in Mongolia".

But pot? A worldwide scourge? The plague of our times? Demon weed? Right. Sigh. Whatever.

I mean, I live in British Columbia. Worse, I live in Vancouver. For a while known as "Vansterdam" it's ostensibly been the "real" pot capital of the world, where the best dope comes from and is found everywhere. Then the Americans started cracking down and pressuring Vancouver to fight pot more.

When Senator Larry Campbell was in the Mayor's office, that was never a problem because, as a career cop, he knew that pot wasn't the scourge Americans wanted it to be; heroin was our problem, and had been for the last 20+ years. Being the first port from Asia, and a country with softer laws for traffickers, heroin lands here and at times can't get out for a while. Take a wrong turn downtown and you'll land on the Downtown East Side, where it's the highest urban rate of HIV/AIDS infections in the world, and 30 square blocks of some of the worst poverty on this continent. THAT's heroin for you. THAT's prostitution and theft that stems from needing to feed habits. We have a higher personal theft rate than NEW YORK CITY -- I assure you, addicts aren't stealing your fucking bicycle to pay for a dimebag of pot, okay?

I cycle home from work and I can tell you all the little places on the seawall cycling route that tonnes and tonnes of runners and cyclers duck into to smoke up on their route. It's hilarious. I used to feel all slackery, stopping to smoke dope on a ride, and then I realized I've been *so* not the exception, and some of the obvious health nuts out there who are doing the same just crack me up. This mentality that potsmokers only smoke up and sit on the couch couldn't be further from the truth in this city.

The city's not the same, though. Cops crack down on folks sometimes, you can't get away with it in venues as much as you once did. It's just silly. Stupid American politics really wreck the fun for everyone.

But the biggest problem has been that Sam Sullivan, our rather unpopular mayor who's been cut loose by his party and who's out of a job this fall, just bent over and took it from the DEA and anyone else who pressured him. "Why, Massa, it's such a shame you bin put out by ar policies, why sho' we can crack down a little -- can't have all y'all put out down there, now."

I mean, god, just because America's fucking dumb enough to still be waging a war on pot doesn't mean we should have to go there too.

I suspect that it's more that Sullivan, who seems to think HE won us the Olympics... (never mind all those people who worked behind the scenes on it for nigh on a decade before he duplicitously won the Mayor's seat and just happened to be in the office when the decision came down for Vancouver to be 2010 Central) ...just wanted to make sure the city was more of an Ikea catalog of perfection before the Olympics happened. You know, shuttle the homeless to New West, hide 'em in shelters that'll finally be open 24 hours a day so the public can't see the "lesser" peoples of our fair town, crack down on those evil vile potsmokers who get press around the world all the time, looking so sickeningly HAPPY with life -- because the rest of the world can relate to the problem with meth and heroin anyhow, and if you cordon off the Downtown East Side for those 10 February days in 2010, you can keep the tourists out of the Ugly Parts of Town.

So, you know, maybe if America gets their fucking priorities right, the asshat who takes office after Sullied Sam might also figure a fucking thing or two out, as well. We NEED to fix this heroin and meth problem. It is a world-class travesty that we have still failed to tackle this problem in a way that helps these people afflicted with the DISEASE of addiction. They're members of our society too, whether we want to forget about them or not. It's one of the biggest, most haunting social problems facing CANADA today -- up there with the huffing of gas by Native youngsters back east and the plague of crack addiction and police corruption in Winnipeg.

Heroin, meth, coke = problems. Pot = a smart way to keep the constituents happy.

Stupid, stupid, stupid politicians. Sigh. I'll be happy when those in power start fighting the wars that really need fighting, rather than inventing ones they think they can win (ie: Iraq, the war on pot, etc) because it looks better than fighting something that's possibly unwinnable, unconquerable, like, say poverty, destitution, true addiction, and marginalization... after all, the truly poor, destitute, addicted, and marginalized, have bigger worries on their hands than getting to polling booths on election day, no?

2008-07-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

Joke posted by someone on a Washington Post blog story about the death of the much-loved Scrabulous (FUCK YOU, HASBRO) from Facebook:

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Heh, heh.

Foodie Monday!

2008-07-28T19:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I headed out of work and thought "I should pick up some veggies" so I thought I'd swing by a produce shop, but then I got this urge to get chicken. Then I thought "Why just chicken? Why not ROAST a chicken?"

All of a sudden it's 7.30 and I'm waiting for my oven to hit the magic temperature, and then I'll be roasting a bird. So, 8:30, maybe 9 for supper yet again? But it'll be a GREAT one.

After all, I picked up three wee beautifully ripe tomatoes -- one Rosso Bruno, a yellow, and an orange, all heirloom varieties. The three ran me a little over $3, and aren't even a pound. I bought a nice bocconcini cheese ball, and will just have the tomatoes marinated with the cheese, a little bread with oil and vinegar, and my tasty chicken. Upscale peasant's supper.

But while checking things out at the market, an old friend from a summer course three years ago spotted me! Which is great, out of all the people I'd met in that course, two are of interest to me, and she's one. We fell out of touch, but great to see her again.

Even better, though, is the jaw-dropping "You look absolutely amazing!" reaction I got. :)

THAT makes my day a fuckin' stellar one. Add to it that I'll hook up with my friend again sometime, and things are just ducky. A fine start to my week, period and cramps aside. Ha.

Now... to pop this chicken in, babydoll! Hey, it's only 3.5 pounds... it'll be done in 45 minutes. Wahoo.

(Quick-roast method at 400. I don't find that quicker compromises things. I usually prefer to do it slower if I have time, since I tend to invest more in birds, but this is half the size I usually get. :)

AGAIN with this crap?

2008-07-28T07:08:00.000-07:00

HELLO! Anyone, anyone! Can we get my order right? That was HEALTHY with a side of FEELING GOOD, please? Take this shit back to the hack that conjured it!

Fuck, dude. I'm over my cold, now what happens? Motherfucking period shows up.

And I had this dream last night where I had the most horrific eye infection in the history of the planet, with my eye all distorted and gross, and another gift of huge nodules of puss all over my neck, leaking and UGH. I bounded out of bed this morning, flashed to the mirror, and have never been so glad to see my face in all its cute glory!

But now I have cramps. And I'm bitchy. And I just want a few days of feeling good! Jesus.

Actually, I want weeks and weeks and weeks and months and months and the rest of my life feeling good. But I'd settle for a few days. Grr.

It's the BatMAN!

2008-07-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

Saw The Dark Knight today. Yeah, that's some good stuff. Sigh. THAT's how you make a superhero movie. That's how you think outside the bad guy box. Way to fucking go out, Heath. Bastard. Do something that good and then go and die. The fan girls of tomorrow have their new-gen Jimmy Dean. But us film fans have a taste of something no one else was smart enough to think of before now, and that everyone's going to be doing tomorrow.

I always thought Nicholson was overrated and boring as the Joker. Heath just nailed that. I laughed and laughed and laughed at him. Quiet, simple, weird, homoerotic, quirky, evil, everything an oddball freak of a villain should be, but that no one's ever been able to conjure. By playing it on the subtle and restrained side, his Joker's about the freakiest baddie I've seen.

But I'm still pissed at him for dying. Motherfucker.

Chris Nolan just gets better and better, no? And to the stupid critic who said he should be channelling his energies to original works, not "franchise fare": Pfft! Get a life. I bet this has been a dream of Nolan's all his life, to direct a Batman movie. I say ride that puppy as long as it's fit to be ridden. I mean, he WROTE this movie! It's possibly the single best comic book/superhero movie ever made, and he not only directed it but wrote it! He can spend the rest of his life making serious "original" movies. This is like those four years you live in residence in university. Sure, it's hard work, but it's fun as hell.

Go make serious movies? Fucking dumb-ass pretentious critic. What he said, precisely, was: "Shouldn't Nolan, marvellous as his directing here is, be creating original films rather than rebooting and retooling franchise fare?" (Sandhu, The Daily Telegraph.)

Yeah, fuck off. Give us our trilogy, at least, then he can wander off and be the whorey boy of independent filmmaking again, all right? Jesus.

Too Funny Not to Share

2008-07-25T10:13:00.001-07:00

God help me that I don't have a camera on me when I freak out over something dumb-ass! Oh, wait, I have. Fortunately I was on MUTE. That was when I crashed my car into a parked truck on a mountain highway with a fucking NEWS camera five feet away, catching me throwing my arms up and miming something ridiculous. But still... I was on MUTE. Praise be. The video still got played at a couple parties. Motherfucking "friends"...

Dude, I have to update my links on this place sometime. Wow. That story I posted in the spring of '06 on here, but I haven't updated the sidebar since fuckin' 2004! Heh heh. Oh, boy. One day. (Part one of my car crash story is here. Part two is here. And it's really, really long, but some of my most fun writing ever.)

Here, enjoy.

Of Milk, Politics, and Pundits

2008-07-23T08:19:00.001-07:00

Well, it's 8:20 and a day of work looms after two sick days. I've done some figgerin' and I figger it's my recent switch to drinking lattes every morning that got me sick. I know, sounds like a reach, but when I was a kid I was taken off milk for 2 years to fight chronic bronchitis, so milk products and I have always nurtured a dubious relationship.

I've drank milk intermittently since then. The richer stuff, like whipped cream and ice cream, has been on my no-go list for a couple years at least. Hell, I haven't bought ice cream in at least two years. I thought skim milk would be all right, though, but since I got sick when no one I know is sick, nothing's spreading, and my health's better than it's been in eons, well, I did the math.

Kind of shitty. I have issues with soy milk because a) it costs twice as much, but also, b) the demand is just insane and far too much of the planet's croplands are now dedicated to soy, and with the demand continuing to escalate, well... I don't like to be adding to the problem. Almond milk is out of my budget ability, but I have it from time to time as well. But between soy, palm, and corn, farmlands are getting to be at a premium, just so we can grow these bio-fuel/oils, and with the world's population skyrocketing, I sometimes wonder where our priorities are... or at least I lament how rough it is to have clashing priorities.

I tell ya, it's tough to be an ethical consumer these days. You get it comin' and goin'. (Don't even get me started on the foolishness of ethanol.)

***

Speaking of foolishness, boy... I bet McCain would like a do-over for last week, huh? Some fond words to Phil Gramm: Don't let the door hitcha. God, poor McCain. Bein' a war hero only goes so far. Sometimes you need to be an actual campaigner. Too bad there's that hurdle before taking office, eh?

As far as Obama's little summer vacation goes over there on the other half of the world, I couldn't have planned it better myself. I came close to posting what I thought would be the perfect sojourn for him to take way back in May and then decided to write about something else, but my thinking then was, "Start with the heavy lifting by tackling Middle-East politics and all the requisite leader chats there, and end with a rockstar tour of France, Germany, and the UK."

But then I thought, oh, they won't waste time doing the fluff stuff in France and Germany because, aside from glamour-boy shots with all the fawning fans, how much diplomacy's really needed over there anyhow? I'm glad I was wrong about the downside, though, because, really, you can't plan better than they have, and Obama may have the pollsters' lead now, but we all know how foolish it is to count eggs before they hatch.

A few shows of what a great thoughtful-looking, articulate would-be president Obama can be when chatting with all the Eastern bigwigs, followed by displays of how an actual American candidate can draw thousands upon thousands of Frenchies and Germans and Limeys... You couldn't really pray for better in a presidential candidate's jaunt.

I'm sort of pissed, though. I guess the pundits and pollsters are waiting until Obama's little Eurojaunt has come to a conclusion (and McCain takes a break from self-destructing) before they do another poll... which'll probably be very close to a 10-point spread by the time it's done.

It's been at least a week since a serious poll, so it's feeling like some kind of political junkie's Sahara right now. "What? No polls again? Holy crap!"

Well, whatever. We're a month off from the Democratic conference, when I'm sure they'll be announcing a running mate for Obama -- something I'm still completely begging off from making predictions about. Clinton? I think it's more of a possibility now, but it's still a slim-as-hell chance. I think it'd turn off more people than it would draw, but it'd draw more independents.

I personally think the most likely candidates are Sam Nunn, Joe Biden, and Wesley Clark, but I confess to being more ignorant of American politics in general than I am of anything related to the Executive Office, so I'm probably blowing smoke out of my ass on that count. I still think Al Gore might consider it, too, and would be a popular choice, but I don't think Obama wants to go for popularity. I think it's about picking a very tried and true political stalwart to run with, to give him that air of experience that everyone's whining on, you know?

But I think Obama has more to gain from naming a running mate than McCain does in the grand scheme of things. But McCain's campaign's at a sink-or-swim point, and if they don't start treading some water, they'll be right fucked in no time at all.

Still, as to the rumours of McCain and his supposedly soon-to-be-announced Vice President, what the fuck is the press thinking? I mean, McCain can't possibly be stupid enough to paint himself into a corner this early in the game. I don't think there's anyone he can choose on the Republican political landscape that can elevate his game at this point. There's no sure-fire choice that will energize the electorate, defeat his critics, negate the "old" and "out of touch" slags of late, or jumpstart his campaign. Not Jindal, not Romney, not Huckabee. None of them will give that edge that McCain needs.

In fact, to name a running mate now would just give Obama a month to fire up a great attack and unleash that at the Dem's conference. Naming a running mate in September is the pragmatic way to go, and a great defensive move. They're just not in strong enough of a position to take the chance on naming someone this early in the game -- there's too much that's attack-worthy there. McCain's not in a good position, and one more kick when down right now could be the difference in Obama crossing the 10-point spread threshold, leaving McCain desperately flailing and trying anything they can think of to catch up.

But that's not to say there's no reason to name a running mate now. There are a couple thin-ass reasons why now might be the time to do the naming -- a) McCain sucks ass at fundraising, and b) he's proving just how incredibly shitty he is at campaigning, so someone who's good at campaigning might help prevent the campaign from losing even more momentum (but I think it's arguable that there's little, if any, momentum left for the Republicans to wrangle...).

So, yeah, I think the media's present speculating on the mysterious "rumblings" of McCain's supposed choice for Veep is borderline moronic, and smacking more than just a little of a slow time in news coverage. Some speculate it's the McCain camp just trying to get some voices nattering about the possibilities, so they can guage public thought, but I still say it's fucking lame for the media to take the bait.

As if it's worth as much air time as it's getting. Like there's so little to report on in the world.

Then again, why am I on it? Because it's so much more fun to write about than all the unpleasant stuff going on in the world.

But, fuck, my sick ass needs to work for a living, so I'm outtie. Groan.

(Oh, and I hate to say it, but after a few months of Obama trumpetting the two-wars' argument, reminding everyone of that small mess called Afghanistan, and suddenly the violence there has escalated to overshadow that of Iraq, well... if anything goes to support the argument that foreign diplomacy is at least as much about judgment as it is experience, then this would be that. I've always, always supported the Afghan war, even now, despite my opposition to Iraq.)

One Sick Blogger

2008-07-21T05:31:00.000-07:00

It looks like I'm calling in sick to work. Jesus, I couldn't have had a worse sleep if I tried. I mean, it's 5:31 in the morning and I'm blogging.

My last stretch of sleep was a whopping 3 hours, but I've been waking up every 90 minutes before that, as if I was somehow comprehensively alarmed or something. God forbid I hit a rollicking second hour of complete sleep!

I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm bitchy, my head hurts, I've got vertigo, and I am NOT a happy camper about it. I'm going back to bed in a few more minutes to hopefully get another couple hours.

I mean, it's JULY. Who gets a nasty head cold in July? BAH.

Well, on the upside, I've not been sick since last September, so it's been nearly a year, but STILL.

It's bad timing. Isn't it always bad timing? It's bad timing. Fucking head cold. But it's the vertigo that's pissing me off, too, because that's what'll keep me home more than anything. I've had some bad patches yesterday and Saturday that I've been lucky to be at home for. Nothing like a rush of dizziness and nauseousness that completely overtakes you for a spell. Vertigo sucks.

And, as far as I know, there's really very little that can be done for vertigo. But at least I know I've had it when being sick before and it's always cleared up ahead of getting completely well, so I'm not worried.

Just pissed off. Mmf. :P Well, back to bed. I usually love heading to bed, but when I've had a bad night's sleep it's always sort of dejecting to return to bed with this scant hope of rest. Grr.

2008-07-18T22:14:00.001-07:00

OF COURSE! It's a full moon today! Now it all makes sense. :)

Of Wine and Movies

2008-07-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

I find the more weight I lose, the more helpful staff in stores are with me. I'm not really understanding that, but I'm appreciating it.

Tonight a liquor store fella rushed off to fetch me a bottle of wine when I said "I'm waiting to be inspired by a cheap red" in the Spanish section.

Let's see. What'd he get me, anyhow? Ah, yes. A 2006, Montalto, Nero di Avola Cabernet Sauvignon, hailing from Sicily. $10.98.

The tannins are smooth, it's robust but not heavy. A fine wine. Reasonably priced. Tragically, I see my favourite go-to cheap wine of the last three years has vanished from the shelves. A 2001 I was drinking at $10.90 or less for three years. Fuck, was it drinkable.

This may be my new Pergolas. Check it out. Ask me when I have a couple more glasses. ;)

I have an invitation to a party tomorrow. I don't really want to go, but feel I should. It's just my anti-social bent trying to beg me off from being in the crowd, but it's probably one of those parties that really oughta be attended. But it's time I take in a bigger social event with my shapely new ass, no?

Oy. Yes, probably.

I may go cycle to a matinee of The Dark Knight. I can't wait to see that. Housecleaning can certainly be ignored for that! Not sure I want to see it with anyone, either.

I remember being very disappointed to hear that, for whatever mysterious reason, Darrin Aronofsky lost his contract on Batman Beyond. I had liked Memento, but felt it was highly overrated. I thought it was a coup de editing, but over all, it felt a little heavy on the "I'm so smart, look at my unique film idea" direction, which smacks of pretension and can be found in earlier endeavours by greats like Paul Thomase Anderson et al. So I thought Chris Nolan was a good director but an overrated one, and felt he might try too hard and wind up blowing his wad on BB. Needless to say, he pleasantly surprised me. Now I'm eagerly anticipating the spectacle of the sequel. Much as I generally assume sequels to lose at least 20-30% of the predecessor's strengths and all.

And while everyone else is hotly waiting on Heath Ledger's incredible performance, I'm dreading it. I'd heard about his performance long before his death and I was stoked that maybe, just maybe, this guy allowed his boundaries to have been pushed sufficiently to have him really nail a break-out role that might define a fantastic career to come. I had always liked him, saw something intriguing in him when he did his earlier stuff. Had him pegged as "to watch", much like Josh Hartnett and his ilk.

So, when he bit the bullet in January, I was really fucking angry. Angry he was dead, angry I couldn't watch his performance with optimism instead of sorrow. I don't fuckin' know. I was angry.

But... you know... if you're gonna die young, die on the heels of your best, most brilliant work, so everyone is left truly mourning your loss. Leave your mark. Go out in that proverbial blaze of glory.

On that count, nice timing, Heath. Really.

So, really looking forward to that while simultaneously dreading it.

But anticipation outweighs dread. I mean, when I heard Christian Bale was gonna be Batman, I thought "Fuck, they finally really CAST a superhero role. Nice one!"

Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker? Not bad. What's his face as the new Superman? Good try. Robert Downey as Ironman? Totally didn't see that coming, but fuckin' A.

Not, might I add, until after the out-of-left-field surprise casting of the always enigmatic Christian Bale -- American Psycho Christian Bale -- as Batman, though, eh? Then Hollywood started thinking, "Okay, who can really, really act? Oh, right, Downey... and he's funny. And has at least 5 years of 'cute' left..."

Tobey Maguire wasn't a huge stretch, really. Peter Parker's a dork, so... Fitting, but as much as I like Maguire, he just doesn't nail that role. Something's missing. Perhaps it's just Maguire. I don't know.

Hmm. Maybe I'll see The Dark Night tomorrow after all. :)

pissing and moaning and pondering and reporting

2008-07-17T08:45:00.000-07:00

i really, really, really do not want to bike to work today. i don't. i'm done. i don't have the gas.

but i secretly know i do. i know this is part of the head game. i know my mind's fucking with me. i know i can make that hill my bitch. i know i can do it in 40 minutes or less. i know i contribute the same hard ride every fucking time out of the gate, and i know i don't even take breaks on the route there or home anymore.

it doesn't mean i want to do it. but it's like they say, knowing's half the battle. like a friend said, "you gotta get to work anyhow, might as well do it in style".

i think the mental conditioning of athletics is far harder than any course you can attempt. it ain't the course that beats us, it's our head. i mean, you consider something like that guy pinned under the boulder in the rockies a couple years back, he had to hack his own arm off with a knife and then hike for hours (days?) to get out of the barren desert area to find help for himself. any one of dozens of variables could have mentally told him "give up, hope's lost" but he found that unnameable drive that forced him to save himself.

there's that demon we lock ourselves in a room with, mentally, when the going gets tough and the fight needs to rise. either we outsmart it, or it outsmarts us.

every time some car's waiting for me to get up a hill and i somehow find that extra jump to take it up a couple notches, or i somehow start sprinting for the fuck of it after a couple of blocks of groaning and lagging, i remind myself that i had the gas to do it this time, so this "can't" bullshit's often just another trip getting laid on me that i'm believin' when i shouldn't.

but this is the part of it that i hate, the morning dose of "i don't wanna" and the inner dialogue that goes with. it's so hard to shout down on some days. fuck of a lot easier to do so when it's 22 and sunny, though.

i'm going to try real damn hard to motivate myself to do it tomorrow, too, but i'd need to be on the road by 8 and the chances of that are similar to opening a Baskin-Robbin's in hell.

ay yi yi.

well, i have my new energy drug for cycling, though. starbucks has a new protein shake -- banana-chocolate, which is similar to one i do at home with yogurt, soy milk, chocolate, banana, but i add peanut butter for that extra whump. starbucks' drink, the vivanno, has 16 gr protein, 5 gr fat, and 5 gr fibre, so it's a pretty awesome energy jump, for 270 calories with about 40 calories from fat. all in all? great choice, better than most. mine's better, tho.

to make it at home:
1/2 c plain or vanilla yogurt
2 tbsp chocolate syrup [ie hershey's]
2 tbsp peanut butter
1 banana
1 cup choco soy milk.

blend till happy. drink till happy.

so, on the upside of things, it looks like my digestive system is sorting out. i've had bad things happening for about a month now, and i think it's because i'm developing a sensitivity to wheat, particularly white bread. i've switched to a flourless bread, Squirrelly Bread from Silver Hills, and my system's settling down rapidly. i've felt like i've had gut-rot for a month, but chatting with my doc, he and i thought maybe nixing the white flour for a while and taking a fibre supplement for a bit would help strengthen my system after perhaps an excess of wheat of late. no drugs, just better fibre choices, is all. smart guy, my doc.

also, boldly proceeding to dechemicalise my life. the weening off of antidepressants began a couple days ago. two weeks from now, i'll be done and off. i just wanted to reduce from 30mg to 15mg for the next several months.

my doc said, "just quit it now. take 'em for a month, then stop completely." i began to say 'but--' and he continued. "depressed people don't lose 40+ pounds with no professional help, no gym membership, and no eating disorders. i think you're doing fine. have a little faith."

so, you gotta dig a doc like that. i sure do. so, i'm hesitant yet keen. i would rather they be out of my system, for sure. i needed them, i really did. they probably came close to saving my life but definitely my sanity two years ago, and when i increased them last summer, it was then i found the focus and drive to change my life. i needed them. i think i don't anymore. maybe a bit. but maybe not enough to warrant the price i pay.

after all, they affect a few things -- they reduce salivation and make you more susceptible to cavities, they cause water weight gain, they make me less of a morning person. stuff like that. it'll be nice. i'm a little scared. it's easy to say "yeah, well, they help so much" and all, but...

it's time to go it alone again and just keep a good keel on things. it's just time. pretty exciting stuff.

bah. fuckety-fuck fuck. time to do a little stretching, shower, get the funk out, and cycle to work. aim to arrive noonish again since all my projects are coming in "late" today and tomorrow, so it works out a little better to start late today. tomorrow's going to be an early one. some drama about getting the floors completely replaced on the weekend. eek. we'll hope the workstations are reassembled right, but... eek.

groan. cycling mode activated. i think i can, i think i can, i know i can...

Boy, Have I Got Some Satire For You

2008-07-15T08:10:00.001-07:00

So, the New Yorker got in shit for doing a not-so-subtle satire of Obama all dressed as a terrorist on the weekend.

Jonathan Swift has had a chuckle, I'm sure. Me, I don't have too much of a problem with the cover because I get it, but I certainly get how some yokel somewhere's gonna go, "See? Toldja. Never trusted that 'coon."

I mean, really. You know that's going to happen.

But satire's never been swallowed very easily. Hence why we still know about that 30-page (give or take) essay, A Modest Proposal some 400 years after the fact. It's why it's still funny when referred to in the context of, say, Sealab 2021 and joked like "Mm, baby back ribs!"

It is always supposed to make use feel uncomfortable. It's always supposed to make us question our judgment and our choices. That's what satire is. It's not about respecting boundaries and bending over for convention.

The campaign may condemn Remnick and the New Yorker for its take on "the Politics of Fear", but I'm secretly waging a bet that the Obama clan is squirrelling a copy away for chuckles some decade down the line.

The cover's a horrible offense, yet the Republican party chanting all these lies and rolling them out one after another isn't similarly disgusting? I mean, are we not missing the point here? ALL of those things have been said about the Obamas. ALL of them.

Maybe Jonathan Swift isn't so amused after all. 400 years later and we still don't get the point of satire.

RANT: Just Another Stupid Comment

2008-07-14T09:21:00.000-07:00

First off: When someone gets into a big long treatise or essay all provoked by what I've written, I'm flattered. When readers get into arguments with each other over something I've said, I'm flattered. When people take the time to write me to say why they identify with something I've written, I'm flattered.

THAT is why I love to write. All of those comments. They're so awesome to get. I love them.

BUT...

This might be totally cunty of me, but I've got to say I'm getting really tired of people commenting and leaving me unsolicited advice when all I'm doing is blogging for the fuck of it.

Like I'm complaining on the other blog about my mild hangover after too much tequila on Saturday night and I get the whole "You're probably dehydrated, you should drink more water" brilliance thing happening in the comments.

Yeah, thanks, Sherlock. You fuckin' think so? God, how did I ever get to age 35 without knowing being dehydrated is a major component of hangovers? Wow, why do I never get these memos?

Holy overstating the fuckin' obvious, Batman. Thanks for that pearl.

I know people mean well, but it's really fucking irritating as a blogger, when you work hard trying to keep a blog with new stuff for people to read all the time, and instead of getting a comment that's the equivalent of a pat on the back or something, we get emails telling us what we're wrong about or some obvious stupid thing that the reader seems to think we need to do.

Obviously I'm dehydrated after drinking tequila. I thought I'd spare you from the obvious and write about the funny part of it rather than the what-every-person-with-a-brain knows, that one should drink water after getting drunk.

A week or two ago someone left me a comment about how to make an em-dash. See the assumption is that I give a shit. In fact, I don't. I feel kind of badly for writing that reader back privately and telling him to stop with the fucking "helpful" advice that, instead of being helpful makes me feel like I'm being condescended to, not appreciated on the basis of the CONTENT of my blog rather than just its grammar, or any other number of feelings.

Fuck, people. I work hard enough, working 40 hours a week, exercising up to 10 hours a week, writing and editing another 10 hours a week on top of that, doing the basic caring-for-myself eating/washing/shopping/house-cleaning that takes another 25 or 30 hours of my week. The last thing I need to start giving a shit about is putting a proper em-dash into motherfucking Blogger, for whom alt-characters don't work. Life's too short. A double dash works fine for me.

Besides, my job uses double dashes because of its 1980s software, so I may as well stay in a frame of mind more conducive to getting my job done faster. But does the reader take any of this into consideration before saying what I SHOULD do as opposed to what's been working fine for me? No. Does the reader assume I even KNOW what an em-dash is? No, they condescend to explain what it is. I'm an EDITOR for a LIVING. I get PAID to understand the constructs of the English language. And this guy isn't the first dude to jump to ignorant conclusions.

I don't get PAID to write this blog. I do it for the LOVE of it. So I take shortcuts. So fucking what? Don't make the assumption that I'm somehow unhappy with what I'm putting out there, because that's an insult, as if I'm somehow settling for something crappier, when all I'm doing is choosing my priorities.

There's the whole "Oh, just ignore it" mentality that someone else may want to suggest I have about those comments. You know, sail through life in "ignore" mode. Whatever. Or I could just tell people to fuck off and have it done with.

So, let me say this on behalf of any serious bloggers out there:

When we WRITE blogs -- not just throw up four links and call it a fucking post, or use some easy picture as filler with a 15-word wisecrack and call that a day's content, but we really, really WRITE blogs -- and we put our fucking hearts and souls into it, COMMENTS are the juice that get us energized and keep us going. So, when the only comment you get after, say, two days of no comments or a week of no comments, is something about grammar or punctuation or "drink water", the first reaction is, "Have I got a bitch-slap for you!"

Like, have respect to write about the content rather than just throwing advice or grammar tweaks at us, or don't write at all. We don't need it. Really.

I just wish all blog readers would get it through their minds that giving the blog writer advice when all they're really doing is getting some thoughts out of their head, is usually not very appreciated.

If it provokes a thought with ya, comment. If you liked what was said, comment. If you take issue with what was said, comment.

If, however, all you want to do is patronize the blogger by assuming they don't know the advice you're about to give them, then maybe you should do both of you a favour and assume they might just be smarter than you're giving them credit for and, for whatever reason, just let it ride.

I know I'm getting really fucking tired of these few readers assuming I'm just some stupid chick who needs a little extra hand-holding to get across the street. Seriously.

Although, back when I was angry about my scooter getting towed, a couple nice readers offered helpful advice and provided links for fighting tickets, and that was sort of appreciated because I knew they were coming from a good place.

But "drink water"? Gee, YOU THINK? Sigh. Fuck, man. Wanna tie my shoes for me, too?

Gotta Do WHAT with the Fridge?!

2008-07-13T13:19:00.001-07:00

I've lucked into many good movies on television this weekend. Woman of the Year, Good Morning, Vietnam, 61*, Gandhi, Lean on Me, etc. Solid stuff, right? Nice variety. I played me some bocce ball last night after a good day of getting my place pretty tidy, some laundry done, a nice walk taken, and had planned on a great bike ride today, but the kitchen breaker blew last night (except for the stove breaker, thank fucking god) so I now have only one plug for the "west wing" (snicker, snort) of my apartment. The fridge is in the centre of the 4x4 floor, plugged into the oven.

And, disgusting, might I add? Was, I should say.

Right in front of my fridge--like, abutted to my fridge, shimmied in on an angle that begins exactly where my fridge ends, wedged right hard between the wall and cupboard, is a RADIATOR.

My fridge is in there tighter than tight, man, cupboard on one side, wall on the other, and a radiator beginning literally 1/2 inch from the front of the fridge. Pulling it out? Not easily done.

So, I last did it when I painted five years ago.

I think it was wine and soy sauce all puddled under there. And the dust, oh, the dust. Found my coffee scoop and Mom's lame-ass '70s pot trivet I love so much. This is good. Disgusting, but good. Oh, was it bad.

I've now spent, oh, much of the last four hours (with tv breaks but working through the weaker acts and scenes, and all the commercials) scrubbing the fuck out of my kitchen.

Yes, all the accrued fuck. There's no other word. It's not dirt. It's not filth. It's not grime. It's much, much worse. It's fuck. Kinda how you feel when you see it. Fuck-fuck. How you feel when confronted with the task. Fuck. How you react as you take your first swipe at the congealing grime soaked with your cleaner of choice. Fu-u-u-u-u-ugh-ck.

I have scrubbed the fuck out, baby.

Awesome. I've been wanting to do that for a while, actually, so I'm doing as thorough a job as I can. I've scoured all the walls, the appliance. I still need to vacuum the disgusting back of the refrigerator, though. All that dust--a whole family tree of dust bunnies--is probably some kinda combustible fire hazard or something.

In between, when watching tv, I'm bein' all crazy and doing stomach crunches and weightlifting. Knowing I'm down 40 pounds now is such a fucking power surge. I can't explain it. I'm so stoked to start pushing harder at this again. Getting a second wind, as it were. It means my metabolism has finally shifted. I'm keen.

I'm trying to use this whole fridge thing, for example, as a sort of psychological boon. Telling myself I'm wiping clean my culinary sins of the past, and starting fresh. Next weekend I think I'll gut my fridge and get rid of anything I think questionable. Time to get real with all this. Maybe I'll do that tonight.

Like, I want to toss all my spices in the next month (it'll be $30-40 to replace 'em en masse, so I'd rather stretch it out) so I have zesty, fresher seasonings. What I got's so old it's just pointless to use it. Ooh, boy, another weak-ass dish. Yippy skippy.

I want to make some rubs for meats and fish, so I can keep eating well.

Speaking of: I officially really dig cod. Who knew? So I'm buying a big bag of fillets this week and making myself some more lemon herb butter and some funky rubs. Found a brown sugar, cinnamon, chile, and cardamom rub for fish that I want to make with fresh seasonings, for instance.

So, yeah, cool. A kitchen do-over. Smells better in my house already. Cleaner. All I've used was my scrubbing compound and vinegar, so, yay enviro-me!

I'm sure as hell getting a workout, too. But, cool. It'll be done. Awesome.

But I think I can start eating much more fish now. I liked the cod. This is good. Alaskan, eh? Tuesday's Costco Day!

This posting has been brought to you in part by making lemonade from life's lemons. Have a good one. I, oddly, am. (Weird. Enjoying cleaning. Nay, enjoying accomplishment!)

Your Van Did WHAT?

2008-07-11T21:30:00.000-07:00

So, that's the last time I ever, ever write anything positive about my brother. Or negative, or anything at all maybe.

I go and say how well he's doing this morning, and what happens tonight?

I get the phonecall saying how his van decided to spontaneously combust on Canada Way -- while he was moving his massive DVD collection out to White Rock.

Apparently his van made a funny noise and bad things started to happen, so he pulls over to check the engine, lifts the hood, and WHOOSH, fire roars up at him.

It took 20 minutes for the fire department to get there. He likened the interior to a fire pit after a really big night of partying with a bonfire.

Poor motherfucker.

"But wait'll you see the insurance settlement," I say, trying to lighten the load a little.

Fuckin' hell.

He never reads this blog anyhow, but whatever. God.

"How's your day?"

"Fine till that impromptu barbecue on Canada Way."

Geeeeeeeez. Wow. Needless to say, my schedule's cleared up handily for tomorrow. I nixed the bike ride at the last second this morning when I heard crackling in my hearing aid, and being as I can't afford repairs for a while, I decided the priority was to visit them for some preventative maintenance that they do free.

Now I can cycle tomorrow. Ha. AWESOME. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Somewhere different. Likely by the river. Not feeling very in-with-the-throngs and seawall-ish right now. Away, madding crowds. Away!

Or... maybe the university. Hmm. Trails? Ooh. Options.

It's Easy Being Me!

2008-07-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

Dude, how good is this weekend going to be?

Awesome, methinks!

Let's see. Cycling night tonight, not much of a sleep-in. But when life's this good, who needs sleep? Fuck, I LOVE this weather we're getting! GOD. Vancouver in the summer, babycakes. Vancouver in the summer!

Get to go help my brother pick out paint chips for his soon-to-be new home in White Rock. He's had a tough, tough few years and White Rock's home for us. He's gotten a sweet deal on a place and will be renting rooms out to people. The landlord's footing the bill for my brother to renovate the whole place, in exchange also for a slightly cheaper rent (so my brother actually might make money off it every month, affecting his income by more than $1,200 to the positive monthly, when he's a divorced dad paying child support every month--and he really does pay it, and is an awesome dad).

I couldn't be happier for him right now and think this is the start of something good for a guy who's deserved better for way, way too long now. Yay for the bro unit! And picking out paint colours is quite ze knack of mine. Cool. I think this will be one of the nicer times we've spent together in a long while, and I'm happy to be thinking that.

Then I have a date. Mildly optimistic about this one. I have a good feeling. I hope it pans out. Fingers are crossed. It's not often I care about dates, actually. Not many of the men I've met really inspire much in me.

I may have self-esteem issues sometimes and I may have had a shitty few years where I didn't have a lot I felt I could offer anyone, but that was then and this is now, and now I'm a fucking catch, so my standards are loftier than they've been in some time.

That said, I'm tired of averagely smart men. I'm tired of men who are completely unhappy with their jobs or just doing what it takes to get by. I'm tired of men who have no passion in their lives. I'm tired of men who keep me in my cycle of eating badly because of their shitty diets and my weak will; I want someone who's healthy, fit, and will really help me stay on this path. And I still want a literary man. And preferably a little less of a science geek, more of the arts fiend.

This guy fits all those bills. So, we'll see.

And despite thinking I was screwed this paycheque, I've managed to spend $90 and get five new pieces of clothing, and all of them are awesome. I think, anyhow. How good is that? God, I've needed new stuff lately.

I know I've been broke and whining that I needed clothes while spending money in other areas... but I don't think I would re-prioritize anything I've done in the last few months. I think my money-spending has met a lot of important needs of mine in my recent path, and very little of what I've spent has been "blown".

Let's see. Repainted half of my apartment. Bought a new bed and two night tables. Got some lovely bathroom fixtures. Lots of panties, thanks to all the weightloss. (Nothing says "My, you've lost weight!" like your panties slipping down under your jeans as you wander off for lunch at work. Eeps.) Bought a barbecue. I've spent a lot on salmon and Alaskan cod when I've been cheap in every other area of my life, but I feel that's been worth it. Acupuncture, chiropractor, weekly or bi-weekly for both. Got towed. Not optional there.

All in all, yeah, been broke, but my life's been coming along nicely. Not too shabby for three months of spending. Oh, and I've caught up on all my bills. So, getting there, getting there.

But fixing my home up really made living lean a lot more rewarding, I tell you. Having a good home is so, so important. For me, anyhow. The better the home, the better my writing. Weird how it works, but it works.

And now I have three CUTE new shirts, a great pair of jeans, and adorable shorts. Plus at least three weeks to go before I need a haircut. And Tuesday's payday.

And today's Friday and 24 degrees and sunny and I'm about to cycle off to work on a belly of espresso and fresh-baked blueberry muffins.

Aside from the 7.5 hours to be spent at work (or, as I like to call it: mandatory watching of tv in air-conditioned spaces while tinkering with language, with a few nice people around) I'd have to say life doesn't get much better than days like today.

It is a damned fine day to be me. Oh, and I finally weighed myself:

After three weeks of living the slack life, eating what I wanted and lots of it, drinking several bottles of wine, and knowing I'm retaining water today... I've lost 40 pounds. :) So, a loss of 40's my new normal that I can maintain in day-to-day life.

Fuckin' A. Bring on 50!

State of Cycling Report

2008-07-09T21:56:00.001-07:00

Well, the goal was to cycle three times this week for a total of 90 kilometres, and I think I'll make it just dandy. As of today, 55 down, and we're three for seven days in the week, since I sometimes work weekends. ;)

Tonight I came home the slightly longer way, even though I was pretty wiped, and noticed that I've shaven about 5-6 minutes off the "longer" ride since I started it in May. That works for me. Especially in heat when wiped.

I had this horrible "Why did I go shopping today?" experience yesterday that just gutted my confidence. But I guess it really was the heatwave because everything about me looks better today. Everything! Yay. But thinking I looked like shit yesterday was good motivation to get cycling when I wanted to do anything but this morning. :)

But I do notice I have more energy at the end of my rides. THAT is huge. My skin's clearing up, my eyes look clearer. I think I took the right break at the right time, and laying off the last two or three weeks has been a great call.

Thank god. I still have a long road ahead of me, and I was getting kind of concerned about my lack of energy. Nice that I seem to be slowly sorting that out through diet and rest. Good on me. Yay for not feeling like death. Feeling alive, even. Shocking and weird.

Another couple weeks and there's hope yet for me. Whew. Anyhow, the goal is to continue cycling three times a week to work. That's actually only 75 kilometres, but I'm hoping to cycle a huge ride Friday night, some photography and me-time, and that'll cap my week.

But... if I decide to just cycle home, I'm so fucking cool with 75 kilometres. I'll make up for it with weights and stomach crunches on the weekend. Whatever. 75 clicks is about 4.5 hours of decent cardio. Throw some weights and stuff in there, and shazam. Damn fine week.

But that's the goal for the rest of the summer. Until I'm dead and need a week off, then the cycle continues, I'm hoping until... November? December? Less, but still cycling once or twice a week, I hope. There's always the dreaded stairs.

Yeah, Cut the Bastards Down! Trees? Who Needs Trees?

2008-07-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

I consider myself a pretty big environmentalist. I've been recycling for a long, long time. A couple decades now, easy. I try to be conscious of packaging choices for things, and try to watch my waste. I never, ever throw out recyclable stuff.

When it comes to nature and the trees, I'm pretty keen there. I've given my nephew the "A single ingested plastic bag can kill a baleen whale so don't throw that shit on the ground" speech. I certainly am passionate about the reduction of logging in British Columbia, livid about how forestry happens in this province, for the most part.

So it's very, very surprising to me that, deep down inside, I'm kinda happy they're cutting down the 70 trees at Queen Elizabeth Park that obscure the breathtaking view of the cities and mountains. How horrible am I?

Truth is, though, that having lived here all my life, I know that there is, hands down, no better place in the city to watch the sunset. (Second place is Spanish Banks, Jericho, but only for 6 months of the year, because then the sun sets further to the south, so again: QE Park, hands-down.)

Or, it was, until the trees started obscuring it.

And it's been 20 years since I've seen a great sunset there. That's how long the trees have been blocking it. And it sucks, you know, to cut down trees anyplace, especially in a place like that park, but my hope is they take down the giant evergreens and replace them with smaller trees that will never soar and block the scenery.

So, yes, a nasty controversy, and, yes, a lousy way to solve the problem, but what else do you do, right? Sure, let them keep on growing, have no view, but then what's the cash cow of QE Park going to do? It's one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and THE best view of it available from within the city, and the only vantage point has been mostly grown over for more than a decade, but obscured for two decades now?

Life's tough. Especially when you're an ill-placed tree.

To the people who originally planted the trees in the park: Fuck, were YOU dumb. Good job. See what you made us do? Fuck, man. If only you thought before you acted!

(That's called passing the buck, or as we Catholics like to think of it, guilt-management. I feel better already!)

Figuring Out a Masterplan

2008-07-07T07:49:00.000-07:00

Ay yi yi. On the weekend I took a look at a blog or two of those who were my contemporaries two years ago. Man. I've had some of them write on my blog and to see how popular and how successful they've become, while I actually allowed myself to just fall away from it all.

What a shame. So, now I have to start the good fight I know is ahead. Now I need to rekindle those relationships, start doing all the commenting I used to do on other blogs, spend the time reading them, et cetera.

What I drastically have to do is to replace all the reading I do of news sources and start reading blogs mainly instead. I have to come up with a very calculated reading list, and start maximizing the use of my time, and writing on the things I find that I believe will most yield results.

It's really exhausting, but I know I'll be excellent at it right off the bat... just as soon as I get going.

Part of it is, I know I'm not yet ready for the success I thought I was running from. I'm getting there. At least I'm working towards it. At least I'm starting to want to want it.

I spent the weekend redoing my apartment. Cleaning everything up, but also re-cleaning all the areas I had done back in March but then mucked up since -- linen closet, storage, other closets, etc. My place, as a result, looks fucking fantastic today. Now, all I want to do is write. Clutter makes me a) bad at writing, b) bad at editing, and c) not fond of doing either.

Now that all my to-do's around my place are pretty much off my list, writing is the next thing I feel compelled to put into spotlight #1. Getting my action plan in place, learning how to carve my spot in the web again, learning how the fuck to do SEO (it confuses the hell out of me, or maybe the people I've seen are just shitty fucking writers, but more research is totally necessary) and how to do keywords for SEO.

I'll have to do the reading-the-important blogs with high reader counts things, and getting comments in early but also being fantastic at writing the comments. It MUST be a good comment or people won't click to read your blog. I mean, I used to take 5 or 10 minutes to come up with something witty. And it worked, man.

Now is the perfect time to get going on this, though, because the fall will be the busiest time of the year for internet readership, and I can really get some momentum on my side if I've got the right writing and the right commenting going by Labour Day.

Then, the other thing is, I need to start cracking on the book I want to write. What book is that? Good question. I need to figure that shit out. I have an idea, but now I need to figure it out.

Must begin with a gameplan so I can get to writing in the winter.

This is no overnight project, any of the above, obviously. I've been avoiding starting because I know that, once I start, I cannot stop again. This is going to be my new lifestyle for a very, very long time. I figure this is a one-year plan, minimum. It took me only six months to hit my peak before, though, and it might be arrogance, but I think I can do it again.

My writing's been hitting the mark every now and then of late, but man has my editing been fucking attrocious. My trigger finger is ridiculous, and I need to slow down my process a bit and take my work up a few notches through editing. I CAN edit well, I just don't enjoy it, don't have the patience, and don't take the time. And that is really, really, really stupid of me. That's getting moved up the priority list something fierce.

Oh, so, biggest mistake ever? Listening to my ex-boyfriend who seemed to think I needed to get a .com address and get off the fucking blogspot.com extension. But some other people were hopping for their own domain back then, so it seemed like I was silly to keep my blogspot URL. How fucking dumb.

I should've stayed strong and kept my motherfucking address, because that move just fucking killed me and it's after that that I lost everyone.

One particular contemporary of mine from '05/'06 kept her blogspot address, gets a million readers a month and has her own book now. Sigh.

In any case... right now, my home is a place I can really see myself enjoying hunkering down to write in. That's the important thing that just hasn't been true for a long time. I've been close on many occasions, but I've never been this completely organized. Ever, I don't think.

Now comes the fun part of my total-life-makeover challenge, I guess. The writing. God. This will be hard. But good for me for continuing to make strides in each area. Plug-plug-plugging away.

Great start to a week, I tell ya. Now, about those blogs... Eeeps. Yeah, I can do this shit. I know I can. I just don't relish the long-ass motherfucking climb before then and now.

But I know I can do it. I have my secret weapon: Me. Ha.

I Found My Mom's CD.

2008-07-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

I'm having a music day, I guess. I have a whole bunch of CDs I need to manually enter into iTunes, unless I can figure a way to copy them that recognizes the file names. Whatever.

But one I didn't want to wait on. I found my mother's memorial CD. When we had her funeral, nine years ago now, I had the sense to pick 15 songs I think represented her life and love of music. I'm listening to it now and I'm just welling up with emotion, just really remembering her. But in a good way.

I personally picked all the songs, and I'm really enjoying listening to them now. Some of these, my mother would just belt out whenever she could, and she had such a beautiful voice. Really. I was told that, just three weeks before she died, she was at her brother's funeral and sang a song that left shivers in everyone at the church. That's my mom. She always regretted not seeking a career in singing.

So it made sense to me to make a memorial CD and give it to all the family and her closest friends. I know many people still listen to the CD often. My brother has it playing when I visit, sometimes.

But... I've listened to it less than maybe 5 or 10 times since her death.

I found it yesterday, and I read the little blurb I wrote about Mom under the track listings and promised I would listen to it today and celebrate, not mourn her. And I'm just loving it. The tracks:

The Rose - Bette Midler
The Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler
Love Rescue Me - U2
Imagine - John Lennon
MLK - U2
Chariots of Fire - Vangelis
I'm Calling You - Jevetta Steele
Blue Moon Revisited - Cowboy Junkies
Greensleaves - Loreena McKennitt
Everybody Hurts - REM
Blowin' in the Wind - Joan Baez
Mummer's Dance - Loreena McKennitt
I Will Never Be The Same - Melissa Etheridge
I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan
Rainmaker - The Power of One soundtrack's opening number

A couple obvious ones in there, but some nice surprises, too. Listening to them today, I can almost hear her singing along. Nice.

Well, back to my domestic goddess duties. Loving the music of late, though. Good thing.

The George Michael Concert Review

2008-07-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

I saw George Michael last night. As good as I'd expected, or hoped, but better than I thought, if that makes sense.

George is about as consummate a performer as it gets. The trouble with George is, people look at him and think he's cocky or arrogant and elitist. When you see him in concert, you see that's totally not true. He beams and bounces and gets all schoolboy excited with the crowd roaring around him. You can see he just feeds off it and loves the adulation, but in a 13-year-old fat kid's "I can't believe it's me they love!" kind of way, even now after all his years as a star. It's pretty cool to see that youthful joie de vivre still popping out.

I remember George around the time of Faith, 1987 or so, had met up with Michael Jackson to talk about doing a duet with him, but George had no qualms about shortly thereafter saying to some magazine, "He was too weird. Working with someone like that..." and basically calling MJ a total nutbag back when everyone was still thinking Jacko was a genius, not so much a Whacko. He didn't go in for the bullshit, not even at his peak.

So when George is up on the stage, saying "It's good to be across the border from the States again. I'm so less likely to be shot up here," or "I'm fucking EXHAUSTED! Whew!" before he belts out another stunner, his bubbly nice-guy attitude just commands the night and you're left thinking "I'd love to have a beer with that guy."

No "I Want Your Sex", but most surprisingly was no "Jesus to a Child". Still, a great show. The first of two encores began with a stirring, beautiful, haunting version of "Praying for Time", a song he'd first recorded 17 years ago but is still freakishly apt about society and the environment. If ever a song cried out to be re-released, it's that one. Fantastic lyrics, awesome melody, but a very important message.

Waiting on the last encore, the crowd began chanting "Freedom, Freedom, Freedom". So, naturally, he delivered. He played a song they said they'd never played before, that was from 20 years ago, so right around Faith, but I didn't recognize it. Maybe I will when I see the name on the set list he'll put up on his site next week. Speaking of "Faith", the entire audience sang along and hit every word. George looked beside himself he was having so much fun.

He's still got his sense of humour, too. At the beginning of the concert he began playing this ridiculous over-the-top remake of his old Wham! standard, "I'm Your Man". The audience politely got into it, clapped along. Then he abruptly ends it, says, "Nah, I couldn't do that to ya!" and the bouncey bass of old kicked in and the crowed roared as he reverted to the original version -- complete with Wham! video footage on the screen behind him, including shots of Andrew Ridgeley.

The set, much has been made of in the press. Awesome in its simplicity and its scope. Using video in a whole beautiful new way. Sleek, sexy, just like George's old image. Fabulous. You'd have to see it to get it, but the entire set was a movie screen, from the rolling curved floor up to the rafters, with incredible footage featuring everything from burlesque dancing and JFK with Marilyn to an incredible video essay of Amsterdam's red light district, when he did his beautiful rendition of "Roxanne" from Songs From the Last Century. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

All in all, everything I wanted. And I nailed it and guessed all the songs he'd sit on a stool for (heh): A Different Corner, Kissing a Fool, One More Try, and Roxanne. Don't you love guessing at stupid shit and being right? It's so fun.

I'm very glad I went. I'm sad he hasn't toured more. He's one of those rare pros who doesn't just do it 'cos he's a professional, but because he still clearly just loves it. It so shows.

Sigh. I'm sad, 'cos there's a good chance I'll never get to see him in a gig again, and what a fucking shame that would be. Who knows. But at least now I've seen him sing his music. I've only ever seen his cover tour, and while I STILL remember his fucking incredible covers of Superstition and Play that Funky Music and Lady Marmalade... it's nice to hear his awesome catalog getting played, too.

And his VOICE... better than ever. Wow. The sound quality was exquisite last night -- easily the best-quality sound in a large stadium show I've seen in a very, very long time. Just crystal clear. But his voice, wow!

Ahh. Good for George. This tour will put him back in standing with the music world, I think, who sometimes forget what a great writer and vocalist he really is. One of the best of his generation, easily, if not the best vocals, I think. Probably why no one ever tries to cover his music. He seems very underappreciated, and I think the time has come to show the guy a little more respect. But I think he's going to get it now. Good. :)

An Article on Google that Might Surprise You

2008-07-05T01:38:00.000-07:00

There's a really fantastic article about Google's incredibly fucked-up, ass-backward decision to raise the cost of its daycare for employees by 75% right here. Joe Nocera at the New York Times makes some brilliant points.

When companies like Google fuck up their priorities, and they're supposed to be the gold standard of employment today, it should raise alarm bells, methinks, so Nocera hit the nail bang on.

On Music and Moods

2008-07-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

Bed's not long off. I think an earlier night is in order.

I'm still copying music. I'm just finishing up on my Lloyd Cole and the Commitments in my A-I binder. Heh. Fun, fun. Let's see, what's iTunes say now? Right, 140 days off. I'll have to take a six month sabbatical and listen to some music. God.

I know, everyone goes through this, but they should bitch about it too. It's irritating. Mmf.

Okie, in with the Cowboy Junkies now. There's a band I'd like to see again sometime. That's like crashing a really good living room practice, it's so comfortable. What a great performance they give, but it was so down to earth and casual. Loved that.

Hey, wow, they're on tour in the States. Stateside readers should totally check them out. Here are the dates. I'm not a big country fan, but their blend of mellow country meets alt-rock sort of works for me. Maybe I'll listen to some now. The Trinity Session.

I think the Junkies would be good writing music. If I get back into writing fiction, I'll need to replace my Loreena McKennitt music. My mother's, actually, but hey. One of the best things I ever wrote was a timed-writing story I wrote to her The Visit album. I think I channeled some lovechild of Atwood/King/Denis Johnson ghost there and wrote this awesome death sequence that involved an anchor and a pair of flip-flops. I know you're not supposed to love your own shit, but, yeah, well, fuck "supposed to".

I've always thought I could flesh that into a book, too, a good dark Canadian novel. But I think I need to be 45 before I can do it, the way I want to take it. Maybe never. I don't know. As flash fiction it's strong, but how much does anyone really care about flash fiction beyond "it's GREAT in the bathroom!" anyhow?

I'm not sure what my favourite writing music is. I don't think I have any right now. It's been so long since I've given a shit about music that I'm not sure what works for something like writing right now. I suspect I should give some Tom Waits a listen to for writing sometime. There'd be some pretty cool mood. I'd like to get some good old dirty blues, a few compilations so it's all across the board, since I need me some schooling in it. Everyone from John Lee Hooker to Robert Johnson, Earl Hines, Pine Top Smith, Count Basie, Muddy Waters, and the fucking list goes on. All people I've mumbled and muttered that I wanna look into but I've never gotten around to it.

But I'll get there.

Now it's all about bed, so I'm outtie. Letting "'Cos Cheap is How I Feel" play out here by the Junkies.

Tomorrow is George Michael. Heh heh heh. Silly, but I'll really love it.